Post Content

Funky Winkerbean, 9/20/11

Have you ever had the experience of seeing a word in print and thinking, “Wait, I thought I knew what that meant, but now I’m not so sure! Did she really steal a piece of metal from the machine shop, spend every night in her cell slowly and methodically carving down one end of it into an incredibly sharp point, and then stab her English paper in the kidney and leave it to bleed to death in the prison yard?” It turns out that “shank” as a verb can also refer to a bad shot in golf, so I guess she means that she screwed up on her attempt to write the paper, because if there’s one thing teenage girls go in for when they’re talking to themselves in their room, it’s golf metaphors!

In other news, remember how after the Funky Winkerbean time jump we were supposed to spend more time getting to know the next generation of high-school aged characters? Instead, we’ve mostly gotten Les being smug and maudlin and self-righteous and lusted after by various deluded women. But at last, we now have a genuine teenage plot! It will involve Crazy Harry’s daughter plagiarizing her English paper off the Internet, which will give Les an excellent opportunity to be self-righteous.

Judge Parker, 9/20/11

You know your opening gambit in a negotiation is the right move when it makes your adversary vomit in terror.

Post Content

Slylock Fox, 9/19/11

Good lord, what has that fiend Count Weirdly done now? He’s hypnotized these innocent rodeo dudes and forced them to dance about for his entertainment! And the only way Slylock can free them is to unscramble the magic word, which is … money? Huh. I’m thinking that Weirdly didn’t “hypnotize” the cow-poking gentlemen so much as pay them for their dancing services. You know, rodeoing doesn’t pay the bills like it used to, and if a cowboy has to make a little money on the side by showing off his square-dancing skills for a private customer, well, there’s no shame in that. Why are you trying to get in the middle of this wholly innocent and consensual private transaction, Slylock?

Judge Parker and Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/19/11

Say, what’s up in the Woody Wilson-penned soap strips? Well, it looks like Sam and Abbey will be buying a monstrously oversized three-bedroom behemoth that probably isn’t legal to drive on any road in the United States, and Sam, who certainly doesn’t have the specialized certification needed to operate it, is preparing his trademark negotiating technique that will take full advantage of this rapidly bankrupting motor home dealership’s dire financial straits. Meanwhile, the Morgan family is coming to grips with the fact that they also own an indulgent and impractical vehicle that none of them know how to steer. The fact that Sarah’s egregious act of ass-kissing in the face of all reality results in her immediate promotion goes to show that loyalty is more valued than competence within the Morgan clan, which should result in some nautical good times for all of us as the S.S. Rex sinks in some spectacular and hilarious fashion mere minutes after it hits the open seas.

Post Content

Judge Parker, 9/4/11

Oh, hey, have the mega-rich of Judge Parker stumbled into yet another opportunity to maximize their already unspeakably hegemonic spending power? Sure looks that way! I look forward to a solid week of this oddly bearded man simpering and groveling, hoping that the sudden appearance of some wealthy people who want to buy a stupid RV on a whim will keep the business solvent and his health care benefits in place for another few days.

Family Circus, 9/4/11

Wow, Billy sure is looking ludicrously smug as he thinks fun thoughts about the summer just passed. You’d think that he’d be sad about the coming school year, but perhaps he’s looking forward to regaling his unwilling classmates with smug tales about how much better his summer was than theirs.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/4/11

Miss Prunelly is in such an ecstasy over the gift offerings she’s receiving from a long line of worshipful students that she isn’t even bothering to correct their nonstandard use of “brung.” It’s sad, really.