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Family Circus, 8/20/08

Billy is continuing to tear his swath of contempt through our nation’s capital, and I for one couldn’t be happier. Today, we see that the New 21st Century Man, his soul purged of all feelings of patriotism or sentimentality or historical awe by the cleansing fires of our violent, amoral world, is incapable of understanding what emotions these monuments from a dying culture are meant to evoke, seeing only their physical properties and none of their symbolism. Jeffy, still too young to comprehend the hellscape that he will inherit from his elders, apes their belief that these piles of dead stone still mean something, and wordlessly holds a picture of the grotesque phallus that the Victorians somehow thought would honor America’s long-dead first leader.

Beetle Bailey, 8/20/08

Speaking of grotesque phalluses, there are few better illustrations of the term “creepster” than General Halftrack gazing rapturously heavenward as he imagines the erotic shenanigans that his young secretary is committing to her journal. Hopefully he’ll at least get into his office and get the door shut before he starts pleasuring himself.

Judge Parker, 8/20/08

NOOOOOOO! NOT THE CELL PHONE! WHY, GOD, WHY? Cut down in the prime of its battery life … *sob*

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Slylock Fox, 7/29/08

It took me a while to figure out exactly what the storyline was in today’s Six Differences — dog mauls little girl to seize her ice cream, little girl weeps for the loss of the treat that she’d been looking forward to all day, little boy laughs sadistically at her pain, squirrel is horrified by the quotidian cruelties that selfish humans and animals visit upon each other, bird lands on dog’s head and stares at the viewer with huge, soulless eyes. At first I didn’t make the connection between the fallen ice cream cone and the brown goo in the dog’s mouth, and just assumed that the mutt was eating his own feces; while I realize that this is more or less a daily event in kennels and dog parks all across this great nation of ours, I was shocked to see it in a family newspaper.

Ballard Street, 7/29/08

But then again, today’s Ballard Street is about a dog licking his own ass, so perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised by anything anymore.

Marmaduke, 7/29/08

This may be the first time I’ve used the phrase “I like” in relation to Marmaduke, but: I like the way the other dog is hiding behind his owner in today’s Marmaduke. It really helps emphasize the unspoken conclusion to Marmaduke’s owner’s sentence, which is “… considering the enormous, murderous hellbeast he’s become today! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH HIM NO NO NO”

Judge Parker, 7/29/08

In non-dog news, Sam Driver recently discovered that just touching this little red book has magically improved his golf game, in a sequence that involved Abbey wearing ludicrously short shorts but also involved Sam shooting golf balls at a driving range — possibly the most boring thing I can imagine — so I couldn’t bring myself to comment on it. Today, though, I’m intrigued by the fact that Sam has scored one of those bulkhead seats at the front of coach — you know, the ones that have twenty feet of open space in front of them. That’s just one of the benefits of flying Teal Seat Airlines! Another benefit: stewardess ass crack.

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Hagar the Horrible, 7/22/08

You know, the “joke” in this comic would have worked just as well (which is to say NOT VERY WELL AT ALL) if Lucky Eddie hadn’t been drawn to look like the Nazis in Raiders Of The Lost Ark right after they opened the Ark of the Covenant. As it is, we are left to wonder why Doctor Zook is handing out platitudes about a healthy diet to a patient who obviously either hasn’t slept in six days or has just been hit in the face with a brick.

Apartment 3-G, 7/22/08

“Ha, I knew it would be dangerous to bring my diary on this mission — why, it could have fallen into the hands of the Red Chinese! It was a stroke of genius to call my personal assistant on this landline and have her write in my diary for me, which is safely back at home in the U.S. Now the Chinese police will be none the wiser. I’d better use everyone’s full name, too, in case I forget who I was talking about years later when I look at what she wrote.”

Mary Worth, 7/22/08

As she finally resigns herself to this “human affection” thing she’s heard so much about, Mary Worth decides to try putting her head on Jeff’s shoulder, a romance technique she learned from a song on the local oldies station. A good first effort, Mary, but next time you might want to bend at the neck, not the waist.

Judge Parker, 7/22/08

You know, like Freud almost said, sometimes a golf club is just a golf club.

Not in this case, though. This strip is obviously about the fact that Sam and Abbey haven’t had sex since 1995.