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Judge Parker, 12/6/24

Oh, yeah, my prediction that Judge Parker Senior has his fugitive daughter Anne living in his basement turned out to be correct, much to Randy’s disgust. You see, by now being let onto this secret, Randy must, according to the Laws of Nuptials, inform his wife of his father’s misdeed. His wife. You know, the amoral CIA assassin who loves to kill? I think she’ll be fine with a little fugitive-hiding, actually. Anyway we also learned earlier this week that Anne has to sneak upstairs at night to go pee, which I think is the most problematic thing going on here quite frankly.

The Phantom, 12/6/24

Oh, also, it turns out that Diana has stumbled upon not just one guy who got punched out by the Phantom, but a whole subculture of guys who got punched out by the Phantom, and a new getting-punched-out-by-The-Phantom pub that’s opening up to celebrate the Phantom-punchee lifestyle. Her husband’s flown in to enjoy the proceedings incognito, and honestly, I think that’s great for him. All these having-been-punched guys seem like real delights now, and the Ghost-Who-Punches-And-Who-Punched-These-Guys-Specifically deserves to see how his particular brand of restorative justice punching transforms lives.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/6/24

Oh, also also, Merle is continuing to bleed out on the sidewalk of his suburban subdivision. Maybe the ambulance is going to get there in time, maybe not! Just thought you’d like to know what’s going on (what’s going on is bleeding).

Hi and Lois, 12/6/24

Your parents telling you no is supposed to give you something to aspire to or rebel against; but to Chip, it’s just a sign that he’s destined to be a non-motorcyclist forever due to family law, or possibly genetics. True loser behavior!

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Judge Parker, 11/30/24

Hey, remember at the beginning of this year, when we found out that the Judges Parker had a secret daughter (to Judge Parker Senior)/sister (to Judge Parker Junior) named Ann, who they hadn’t seen in 20 years? And it turned out that she was tied up in various criminal enterprises, and that’s why she had to flee again, and also maybe she murdered a guy on her way out of town? Well, Judge Parker Senior spent a lot of the Thanksgiving holiday pingponging being maudlin about how his whole family isn’t together and also being manic and thankful, which it looks like is leading up to the big reveal that he has Ann locked up in the family’s terrifying basement, for her protection (?). Probably he used to keep all kinds of people locked up down there, which is why Randy hated it so much.

Dustin, 11/30/24

Haha, yeah, I wonder who thought up one of the most widely used and beloved features on modern smartphones? Probably a girl, right? Do you think she got her girl cooties all over it?

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Gil Thorp, 11/13/24

Oh yeah, remember Coach Perm Gerads, who briefly seemed like he might be Gil’s new nemesis but then he got beat up by his own students? Well, this sent him on a downward spiral into madness that delivered him here, his perm now stringy and wild, promising to eat a shoe for the amusement of the sort of layabouts and yahoos who watch local TV during the middle of the day. Gil at one point was doing his own ads for this used car impresario, and if you need to know what this Valley Conference grandee thinks of the relative strengths of the Goshen and Milford squads, run the numbers on the proposed trade here: if Goshen wins, Fox promises to reduce their revenues by 50% indefinitely, which would swiftly bankrupt the dealership, and if Milford wins, Coach Gerards will livestream himself doing something humiliating, which will cost Fox nothing and also bring new subscribers to the dealership’s various social channels.

Judge Parker, 11/13/24

I would’ve thought that Problematic Age Gap Discourse was very late 2023/early 2024, but apparently we’re going to get some in Judge Parker, which is fine because I find Glen’s facial expression in panel one very amusing. Also I will note that he is supposed to be in his early 20s and has shown up for his date with his college sophomore girlfriend wearing a grey suit jacket and a white dress shirt, which may signal a Problematic Coolness Gap that the stubble simply cannot mitigate.

Gasoline Alley, 11/13/24

I feel like “Look at Saturn’s rings while you can, kids!” is a pretty ominous statement, like it clearly implies that this is the last they’ll see of them, and the final panel really doesn’t fully walk it back. What does Arty the AI know about certain Events that will happen in the next twelve months that will result in these children, and possibly the rest of our species, never seeing Saturn’s rings again? Guess we’ll find out, haha!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 11/13/24

Finally, after nearly 80 years, “Bunky” has returned to this strip. Who knows what sort of wild, exciting gags this will provide opportunities for? [LITERALLY ONE DAY LATER] Hey, you guys heard about this pumpkin spice stuff? You heard about this?

Dennis the Menace, 11/13/24

Aw, look at Martha’s face! Even after all these years she’s tickled by George’s bullshit. I think it’s sweet!