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Mary Worth, 3/27/16

You know, if you want proof that Mary’s reputation as a fixer of lives isn’t quite deserved, check out Dawn Weston. She’s been living in Charterstone under Mary’s watchful gaze since childhood, and still she’s as sad and pathetic as ever! But soon she’s going to be the coolest kid at her local junior college: remember, every great tale of social climbing begins with a unappreciated teen violently clinking coffee mugs with an old woman. Let the aggressive friendship-establishment montage … commence!

Judge Parker, 3/27/16

How often has this happened to you? You think your country music star husband has run off with his secretary … but nope, he’s just flown to Los Angeles to buy some solid gold cookware, probably as a gift for the Sultan of Brunei or something. Ha ha, what a kooky misunderstanding! Thank goodness the crack Judge Parker investigative team was on the case to figure this stuff out before things got out of control! And all they had to do to figure it out was abuse their wealth and privilege and use the power of the state for their private interests.

Oh, and, hey, remember that lady that Neddy sideswiped with her monstrously large RV without noticing? Well, she’s not a sexy lady like Neddy at all, but is instead a heavyset woman literally named “Mrs. Chubb,” so probably the whole thing was her fault and she’ll be writing the Spencer-Drivers a check soon enough.

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Funky Winkerbean, 3/26/16

Proof positive that Funky Winkerbean takes place ten years in the future: Everyone, even people going to see classic films in retro movie theaters that cater specifically to cinephiles, just talks at full volume right through the movie now. This is basically my nightmare scenario for the future, frankly. I’d rather have the killer robots take over. At least that’d be faster.

Judge Parker, 3/26/16

“Look, I don’t actually care about this arbitrary rule you broke! Why don’t you call someone over my head? Why don’t you hire my sister? Why don’t you contemplate how small my hourly rate is compared to your vast resources? DO I HAVE TO SPELL THIS OUT FOR YOU?”

Gil Thorp, 3/26/16

Oh, yeah, right, so this confrontation ended with rugby star Kenzie breaking one of the bad kid’s jaws, and now everyone feels bad and weird because you shouldn’t resolve your disputes through violence men should be violently protecting women, not vice versa. Now Coach Thorp is going to rouse himself from his usual torpor to Fix Things With The Teens, by use of clever thought experiments that definitely aren’t going give rise to lawsuits and/or lifelong emotional scars, no sir.

Hagar the Horrible, 3/26/16

OR MAYBE SHE JUST DOESN’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU GUYS, JESUS

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Crankshaft, 3/25/16

Oh, hey, whoops! It turns out Crankshaft wasn’t being coy at all about the year in which takes place yesterday. Crankshaft happens in 2016, which means Funky Winkerbean happens in 2026, which means that the next ten years are going to pass by in escalating gloom in order to achieve the full-on miasma of despair that permeates the future-strip. Lucky for Lilian, she’s suffering a massive heart attack in the final panel here, and so won’t have to live through any of it.

Judge Parker, 3/25/16

Call me a big government liberal if you must, but I think if you’re going to build your business model on squeezing the last drops of usuable labor out of the old and feeble, you should at least make a good faith effort at keeping them alive.

Crock, 3/25/16

Good to see Crock has given up on jokes entirely and is now just focusing on characters staring out at the reader while sassily spouting nonsense. He gave him the hump, if you know what he means! Do you know what he means? You don’t. Nobody does. But you can tell it’s supposed to be funny, from context.