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Mary Worth and The Phantom, 11/4/15

Welp, here it is, as foretold in prophecy: the Mary Worth–Phantom crossover that none of us knew we wanted until we realized that we had it. Perhaps little psychic Olive will turn out to be the key in some great Phantom-style adventure, or perhaps Olive, like Shelly before her, will serve as the ostensible reason Mary went to New York but will be quickly discarded when someone more interesting comes along, in this case the cheerful, non-street-smart daughter of an immortal jungle superhero. At the moment, I’m intrigued by the fact that we’re seeing the same moment in the story, but with slightly different dialogue. Is this to emphasize, Rashomon-style, that an objective recounting of past events is impossible? In this case, what appears to be a straightforward narrative is actually a pair of later recollections: Heloise’s story is being read in the Skull Cave Chronicle Chamber by some descendant of the family in the unknowably distant future; Mary’s version is being recounted poolside at Charterstone over salmon squares to Toby, who’s been Xanax’d into sullen compliance.

Mark Trail, 11/4/15

Speaking of action-packed soap opera adventure, this current Mark Trail storyline doesn’t need to cross over with another strip to reach multiple audiences! Today, for fans of people wildly spraying automatic gunfire, we’ve got the guy wildly spraying automatic gunfire in panel one; and for fans of shapely asses, thighs, and calves, we’ve got Mark’s shapely ass, thighs, and calves in panel three.

Apartment 3-G, 11/4/15

“Gabby! This man nurtured his love for Margo during his years of recovery in a Tibetan nunnery, journeyed to New York to save her from danger that he had detected with his Buddhist mind powers, and has hovered by her bedside nonstop during her coma! Obviously his romantic interest in her is very tenuous, and any potential nagging from his beloved’s parents could push him away. For God’s sake, never ask him any follow-up questions about anything ever!”

Judge Parker, 11/4/15

Oh, hey, remember how Sophie wanted to go to military school and learn to kill, because the boy she liked was probably going to fool around with another girl at a party? Well, good news: that other girl didn’t even go to the party because she got in trouble for drugs, so Sophie’s going to stay in public school for now, explore her burgeoning teenage sexuality with a willing and now unencumbered partner, and figure out some other way to ruin the world while aggrandizing her own power at later date (probably the finance industry).

Funky Winkerbean, 11/4/15

Haha, true story: for a significant period of time after I read this strip, I thought Cory had sold the comic book collection his mother had lovingly assembled as a way to feel close to him because he needed to … buy a ring to propose to his mom? But no, I guess that’s to propose to his girlfriend or whatever, which everyone will think is perfectly OK. Remember, kids, throwing money at the wedding-industrial complex and the notoriously evil diamond industry is virtuous! Thank goodness he didn’t spend the money on a car or a house or something practical that he and Rocky might be able to use for years to come.

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Crankshaft, 10/13/15

You might remember the Crankshaft strip from last month in which our heroes jammed an inflatable kangaroo into a pothole for a campaign commercial. I found it completely baffling, but several commenters patiently explained that it was a joke about the potholes being so deep they reach all the way to Australia. At least one person pointed out that the more typical metaphor would involve “digging a hole to China,” which is indeed the theme of today’s strip/commercial, going back to that same well. I’m honestly not sure if the fact that Ralph’s one-note campaign is just repeating itself endlessly is itself supposed to be the joke or if we just get one of these a month because, you know, why not.

Six Chix, 10/13/15

Hey lady, relax: Talking Heads broke up in 1991, with a fair amount of acrimony among the band members. If by some chance they did reunite, they’d probably do a reunion tour, or maybe even record a new album, but at any rate they’d be much more focused on music than telling you that coffee’s bad for you, OK? If David Byrne says it solo, it doesn’t count, so don’t worry about that.

Judge Parker, 10/13/15

Let’s not forget that Neddy’s big plan for this factory is literally to hire old people who are already on Medicare and Social Security so she doesn’t have to pay for their health insurance or retirement. This seemed like a great money-saving scheme at the time, but she hadn’t factored in the need to build elevators to accomodate the dozens of rascal scooters that would soon be whirring all over the factory floor.

Beetle Bailey, 10/13/15

Remember, if only straight men work on building sex robots, then a huge potential market will go untapped.

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Judge Parker, 10/10/15

“He’s got some nerve, thinking this story is all about him, just because he’s a famous musician that people enjoy reading about, and also is providing 100% of the operating capital for the company!”

Mark Trail, 10/10/15

HOLY SHIT THEY APPARENTLY MAKE SEA-ATVS NOW AND THE BAD GUYS FROM MARK TRAIL ARE RIDING THEM INTO NAVAL COMBAT

Funky Winkerbean, 10/10/15

Someone to help you lug the crushing pile of stone that is your life from place to place: the Funkyverse’s version of happiness.