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Judge Parker, 7/19/18

Prediction time: my guess is that this whole Godiva murder storyline is actually Neddy’s screenplay that she’s been working on since moving to LA! I’ve been suspecting it for a while (there have been narration boxes that are scene headings), but today has really pushed me over the edge into believing it. Think about it: they say “write what you know,” but like most screenwriters, she’s writing what she wants to know, e.g., martial arts and how to make friends with her cooler, savvier boss. It’s nice at least to see a shoutout to the backstory on the Spencer-Driver foundlings, who were homeless and living rough with their grandfather when they accidentally set up camp on Sam and Abbey’s vast estate, and then their grandfather died and Sam and Abbey adopted them, presumably without too much legal fuss. (Abbey promised their grandfather would be buried in a beautiful clearing and definitely not ground up into a special treat for Abbey’s most handsome stallions.) Through the magic of fiction, Neddy is imagining a world where her tough childhood left her with near-superhuman abilities of self-protection, rather than just a host of emotional problems.

Gil Thorp, 7/19/18

I was sort of pretending to myself, just to force the world to make some kind of sense, that Barry’s big intervention was happening over the summer, that Gil Thorp was experiencing the same summer that we all were here in the United States, but nope, it looks like high school baseball is still happening! Is Gil going to risk defeat by starting Jay Bhatia on the mound today? Who cares, we’re more than halfway through July, how can any of this possibly matter.

The Lockhorns, 7/19/18

WHEN ZIP-A-TONE ATTACKS

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Family Circus, 5/17/18

I feel reasonably confident in asserting that this art is repurposed with only the punchline changed to be more “contemporary,” which of course leads me to wonder what the captions were for the innumerable previous times it ran. Here are my best guesses:

• 2009: “I wonder if Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall because he couldn’t believe the 3-D effects of the hit movie Avatar.”
• 2001: “I wonder if Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall because he forgot 9/11 and didn’t support our troops.”
• 1993: “I wonder if Humpty Dumpty fell of the wall because he was busy doing the Macarena.”
• 1985: “I pity the fool who falls off a wall!”
• 1979: “I wonder if Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall because of” [checks Wikipedia] “stagflation and the Iran Hostage Crisis.”
• 1974: “You know who was a real bad egg? Richard Nixon!”
• 1968: “Daddy says if you don’t vote for Nixon you’re probably a Communist, just like that stupid egg that fell off the wall.”
• 1960: “I wonder if Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall because he he drank too much of the soda Daddy keeps in his pocket!”

The Lockhorns, 5/17/18

Sure, we all know the Lockhorns will go to any length in their attempt to destroy one another emotionally. But violating HIPAA? Too far, Loretta. Too far.

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The Lockhorns, 4/21/18

You know, I have this vague idea that the names of foods sometimes have historical or religious meanings embedded in their etymology, so I thought that maybe there was some tenuous connection between martyrs and minestrone soup, but no, it just means, basically, “stuff that’s served” in Italian, so, yeah, this panel is literally just Leroy telling his guests “the meal we’re about to feed you sucks, so I sure hope you get some psychological kick out of suffering,” with no wordplay or jokes of any kind.

Shoe, 4/21/18

Haha, remember blogging? Remember when it was a whole thing, that people talked about and cared about, and it was going to change the world, somehow? Thank goodness those days are over! Thank goodness nobody is left who would think that substituting the word “blog” for other vaguely similar words in common English phrases is something that would be funny at all, or worthy of publication! [aide whispers in ear] Oh no. Oh my god. I’ve just been given some terrible news.