Archive: Lockhorns

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Metapost: Podcasted COTWs!

Hey folks! Your comment of the week in a moment, but first, a fun link: I was on the podcast of the great Nathan Rabin, an entertainment writer who you might remember as the guy who coined the term “Manic Pixie Dream Girl,” and we talked about two subjects near and dear to my heart: The Lockhorns, and the animated Garfield: His Nine Lives special. It was a super fun convo and you should check it out!

You know what’s also super fun? Your comment of the week!

“‘I’ll buy these NEW SNEAKERS and walk amidst the flora and fauna!‘ is a phrase that neatly makes it clear that Wilbur has never been outside before, or possibly even encountered a pair of sneakers? He’ll probably walk out of there holding a basketball.” –Jack Loves Comics

And your runners up! They too are enjoyable!

“I feel like this is the only place for me to talk about how uncomfortable that brush is making me. You can’t bring that type of brush into the shower with you! It will take forever to dry out enough to be usable and it will never dry out completely. Give it another couple of weeks and Wilbur will just be leaving a dusting of black mold on his scalp whenever he tries to fix his combover. This, more than anything else he has ever done, is clearly a cry for help.” –Tiffany StPeter, on Facebook

“‘Long before videos, folks spent an evening looking at exciting stereopticon slides in 3 dimensions!‘ Presumably, Walt is yelling this in the middle of a Starbucks where the customers are all on their phones.” –Joe Blevins

“‘Wonder eye’ certainly is today’s rage. Looking at it makes me absolutely furious.” –Hergen

“Rex is giving Justin that cup of water with the same heartfelt persuasiveness that the witch gave Snow White the apple.” –Pozzo

Just a sip of water … which you will earn once you pin me. Get up, barfy, this is for your own good.” –pugfuggly

“Ah, the two words Mary loves hearing the most: ‘You’re right!’” –Bryan J. Simmons, on Facebook

“‘Young man, you’ll sit in that corner until you learn to curb th’ wordplay!’ ‘Now I know why they call it PUNishment.’ ‘AAARGH!’” –Peanut Gallery

“Wilbur cried because he had no shoes. Until he met a man with no feet. Then he accosted the man with no feet to explain that his misery was greater, because his girlfriend left him just because of one little, look, it doesn’t matter why, the important thing is” –Dan

“I guess I tend to view Wilbur as rather a mopey sad-sack, but honestly, someone who looks like Wilbur — or just generally is Wilbur — yet doesn’t feel Mother Nature has played him very foul indeed must have a pretty positive outlook.” –Violet

“Is… is that poison? Maybe Billy is in a bad mood because the toxins are kicking in.” –Willow Jordan

N-No! Don’t want to fight! Only want to shove!” –Hogenmogen

“Just imagine if Mary Worth used the actual name of the sporting goods store. ‘Hey, Wilbur, good to see you here at Dick’s. Speaking of dicks, Zak sure has a nice one.’” –Andrew

“Not only is James Renner a real author, but ‘Ohioana Book Festival’ is a real event! This weekend! With Tom Batiuk in attendance, hawking the Lisa’s Legacy trilogy! Crankshaft has achieved Peak Tiresome. (James Renner won’t be there.)” –Uncle Lumpy

“Something this strip doesn’t get much credit for is its clever use of symbolism and hidden meaning. Today’s strip, for example, is actually an allegory for the history and consequences of the Industrial Revolution. Marvin’s friend represents the old artisan working class, as demonstrated by the block construction next to him. He is disturbed by the foul practices and pollution of Marvin, who stands in for new wave of production and power as suggested by the nearby locomotive. Marvin’s friend protests this unpleasant affront to his nostrils (which represent tradition, heritage, and comfortable nostalgia). In turn, Marvin speaks the prophetic truth of what the ‘nostrils’ of civilization must inevitably face in the course of progress, and then defecates in his own pants, representing the perils of arrogantly advancing without foresight.” –jroggs

“‘The general is mad as a hatter,’ said the men of Camp Swampy. They shook their heads ruefully as they sipped tea and brushed crumbs off tattered grey uniforms two generations out of date. ‘Thank goodness we’re still sane.’” –Escape Zeppelin

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Gil Thorp, 4/2/18

Sorry, Marty: while all-high-school-sports radio is more than willing to overlook a little light racism, they cannot abide the ultimate sin in broadcasting, which is accidentally blurting out swear words on the air. Anyway, today’s strip contains one of the greatest things any Gil Thorp can present to us, which is a panel of Marty Moon looking desperately unhappy as he realizes that he is once again the cause of every major disaster in his own life. This is even better than the time he quietly wept in his car after being golf-grifted by a Ben Franklin lookalike, because you can get a much better look at his face. His crumpled, sad, devastated face.

Judge Parker, 4/2/18

Wow, for a strip that has traditionally moved at about the speed of plate tectonics, Judge Parker has leapt from Randy doing some extremely mild flirting to Randy doing some smug and blatantly post-coital smirking in lightning time! Anyway, the important thing is that unlike certain soap opera hunks we could mention, Randy has nipples, thank you very much.

Blondie, 4/2/18

I’ve been a daily reader of Blondie for decades and … I’m pretty much wholly unaware of Alexander’s sports career? I mean, he sometimes wears a letterman jacket but I just assumed that was an ossified visual signifier letting us know he’s in high school rather than some specific reference to his varsity status. The sad truth is that Blondie spends infinitely more time dwelling on Dagwood’s relationship with various fast-food drive through speakerphones than it does on his relationship with his own son — which means that by prompting this chain of thought, today’s strip is really just reaffirming its own thesis, so, well played, Blondie.

The Lockhorns, 4/2/18

Sorry, Loretta, take it from a guy who singularly failed to cash in when he had the chance: the blog-to-book deal hasn’t really been a thing since, like, the mid-late ’00s.

Beetle Bailey, 4/2/18

Beetle definitely murdered someone with that hammer, right?

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Gasoline Alley, 3/24/18

Ha ha! It’s funny because alcoholism is a serious condition that can ruin lives!

Pluggers, 3/24/18

Ha ha! It’s funny because a few European countries used to control much of the world, imposing their political systems and even new names on subject peoples, but that phase of history is over now and pluggers simply don’t care for this new state of affairs!

Mary Worth, 3/24/18

Ha ha! It’s funny because Wilbur and Mary have nobody to hang out with except each other, and they’re each trying to make the other think they’re happy about it!

The Lockhorns, 3/24/18

Ha ha! It’s funny because Leroy’s … dead? I’m pretty sure the implication here is that Leroy’s dead, guys.