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Funky Winkerbean, 11/11/10

So for no reason other than to drive the narrative, Rachel here has been pitching woo very hard at sad, damaged PTSD case Wally, and earlier this week Wally’s ex-wife slipped her a note on how Rachel could better “help” him. Naturally it was a list of his favorite pornographic films, and now Rachel is going to debase herself further by going and renting (or, God forbid, buying) these from the smut store when there is plenty of perfectly good free pornography on the Internet. This attempt to establish carnal relations will founder like all the others, though, as Wally is, perhaps understandably, less keen on watching dirty movies and screwing and more immediately interested in getting food into his house while avoiding the possibility of having a psychotic break and shooting up the supermarket. Presumably Rachel will find the whole scenario to be a libido-killing level of depressing, and the two of them will just spend the evening at opposite ends of the couch, silently watching Hot Army Lesbos 8 or whatever. Happy Veteran’s Day, everybody!

The Lockhorns, 11/11/10

Somehow, The Lockhorns manages to mine sexual incompatibility for laughs somewhat less depressingly. Who are these party guests in the background? Did Loretta really want her friends to see whatever stab at “sexy garment” a tasteless schlub like Leroy would come up with? I like the way the woman on the left has her gaze cast downward, avoiding eye contact with everyone as she tries to make herself invisible in the midst of all the awkwardness, while the woman on the right is staring directly at Leroy, quietly judging his inadequacies.

Mark Trail, 11/11/10

You know who’s not inadequate at all, though? Mark Trail! Can Mark scramble down a cliff to pull a guy out of a car that has burst hilariously into flames? You bet! Does it matter that Mark already punched this guy out earlier? Nope! Mark giveth (punches) and taketh (you) away (from burning cars)! Mark does it all!

Mary Worth, 11/11/10

If you need proof of how super-lame Adrian is, consider how the scene in panel one, in which her fiance smarmily and obnoxiously invades the personal space of her hateful, critical supposed friend, results in her look of near-religious ecstasy in panel two. “Yay, my man and my best girl friend are finally resolving this conflict that has torn me up inside!” she seems to be saying, when she should think “Jeez, I gotta meet some new people.”

Sadly, from Jill’s whisper-balloon in panel two, it appears that this is not going to be a battle of implacable archetypes who need no motivation other than their own inborn nature, but rather a dispute over, like, love or something. Presumably Jill’s hostility towards Scott and Adrian’s relationship is based in her secret love for the former, and her knowledge that her sharp, strong personality would be a better and more interesting fit for him than bland, boring Adrian. (Normally, it would also be possible that she would be in love with Adrian, but that would be interesting, so it won’t happen.)

Family Circus, 11/11/10

The funniest thing about this to me is the fact that Big Daddy Keane is wearing a completely different set of clothes than his wife and son. “I’ve decided to make dinner tonight!” he announces cheerily. “Does anyone know when ‘tonight’ is? Is it ‘tonight’ right now? I’ve done a lot of meth and I’ve been awake for days!” Billy and Mommy, meanwhile, have been doped up and lolling around the house in the same filthy pajamas, in and out of consciousness, for the better part of the week.

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Mark Trail, 8/10/10

Well, now we know why Mark’s neighbor has erected that fence: he needs to make sure that the lifelike androids he built to simulate his murdered wife and daughter are 100 percent realistic before allowing them to interact with humans. “Damn it, this naturalistic speech problem is the greatest programming puzzle I’ve faced yet! There’s got to be a way for the wife-robot to distinguish the shades of meaning that define the proper context for ‘too’ and ‘also.’ And why did I even bother programming the subjunctive mood into the little one?”

The Lockhorns, 8/10/10

Leroy’s generic job, his glum co-workers, and his drab, featureless office look to be almost as depressing as his home life. Fortunately, he has one thing there to cheer him up: a picture on his desk of someone who is quite clearly not his wife.

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Blondie, 7/9/10

I imagine that the guy who draws Blondie gets tired of hearing about the strip’s title character’s unusually large and shapely bosom, both from the “oh God it’s hot it makes me so hot” camp and the “you’re a pervert creating unrealistic body images” camp. Look, can’t a guy draw a dame who’s stacked without getting an earful about it? I’d like to think that today’s strip is supposed to be some kind of response. You want to see a broad with big cans? Check this one out! She’s a freak of nature! A biological impossibility! I guess she’s supposed to be heavy-set — thus the wacky food-obsession banter — but with her relatively svelte legs, she just looks top-heavy, like she’s going to tip over in one direction or the other at any minute.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/9/10

“BPH,” for those not in the know, is benign prostatic hyperplasia — basically an enlarged prostate, which makes it hard for Funky to pee. So, you know, Funky is either experiencing a bizarre time-travel phenomenon or an intense, lucid dream, and after about twenty minutes it’s all come back to physical discomfort and potentially cancerous body parts. He can’t even contemplate that tiny cup of refreshing water without thinking of the hours of agony he’ll be spending in front of the urinal later. Might as well make sure his past self is good and glum too, while he’s at it!

Lockhorns, 7/9/10

Leroy’s carpool apparently reacted to his “practical joke” by beating the crap out of him. Or perhaps it was a reaction to his unpleasant personality.