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Mary Worth, 9/1/17

Dawn may be clueless enough to believe that Dr. Ned is divorced, but at least she isn’t so naive as to fail to recognize that Jared has been lusting after her for the entire length of this storyline. Probably that time he said “If you’re at your apartment alone, by yourself, I can show up at a moment’s notice!” was the subtle “tell” she picked up on. I feel like the way Dawn is holding her bagel in panel two is extremely relevant here: it’s completely ridiculous if she intends to eat it, but it’s a perfect grip to, say, hit chuck it at someone and hit them in the mouth at point-blank range if it becomes sadly clear that they’re about to confess romantic feelings for her.

Spider-Man, 9/1/17

Why do you think Tyrannus needs to take a sip from the fountain of youth before he orders Spidey and Mole-Man’s deaths? Upon my first read of this strip I thought he was going to do the dirty work himself and needed youthful strength, but no, he’s just going to order the Dectopus to do it. Does this ten-limbed beast from deep below the earth’s crust refuse to take orders from anyone who doesn’t radiate the vitality of a twentysomething? Has the surface world’s cultural obsession with youth penetrated even down to the subterranean realm?

Mark Trail, 9/1/17

I sincerely hope that what Sheriff What’s-His-Name is going to pull out of his saddle-bag is a bouquet of flowers and bottle of champagne, and we’re about to get a long, rambling speech that includes the phrase “See, the way to deal with a grizzly bear is you have to romance it” at least twice.

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Mark Trail, 8/25/17

It appears that the time for trick riding is done. It has its place, of course, like when you need to trick a particularly dim kidnapper who can’t be bothered to look down a cliff to see if you’re dead at the bottom of it, or if it’s really a cliff at all and not just a gentle slope. But now it’s the draft horses’ time to shine. They’re calm, and they’re strong. That’s the attitude you want a horse to have when you send it to fight a bear in a cave. Horse vs. bear, deep beneath the earth’s crust: the greatest spectacle nature has to offer. I for one am ready.

Mary Worth, 8/25/17

As predicted, Dr. Ned has been off smooching with Dawn (and presumably every other comely young temp in the hospital) despite the fact that he’s still married, to his wife, from whom he earlier claimed to be divorced! And now Jared is about to stumble upon this shocking fact, which there was really no reason for Dr. Ned to ever lie to him about, but whatever. Will Jared able to warn Dawn in time???? He might have an easier time convincing her of his good intentions, if he weren’t such an off-putting dweeb who’s been blatantly trying to get in her pants since day one!

Marvin, 8/25/17

You know, I get the conceit of Marvin. I really do! I get that it’s funny to imagine that preverbal infants and toddlers might have fully formed adult thoughts and personalities inside their little heads, and that it’s funny to extrapolate how adult thought processes would map on to a baby’s everyday concerns. You follow that train of logic and then, sure, you get to a point where you realize you could get a laugh out of someone using grown-up language to complain that his parents don’t want him to shit himself anymore! Then you do that joke at least once a week for 35 years.

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Dick Tracy, 8/23/17

Hey, uh, so remember the Nitrates, a brother-sister grifter team in Dick Tracy whose whole thing was that they mocked up fake version of lost classic film reels and sold them to unwary collectors, and this was an extremely lucrative scam niche, somehow? Pretty sure I only mentioned them once during their last plotline three years ago, to point out that the sister (named Silver, or possibly Sprocket) is also a hippie who goes barefoot all the time. Now they’ve got a new con going, pretending they have a long-rumored early recording of Abraham Lincoln’s voice.

Anyway, if you’re like me, you’ve had a hard time working up much enthusiasm for these characters, but you’ve also occasionally thought to yourself “am I gross or is there a vaguely incest-y vibe to these two?” And today’s strip lets us know that it’s not just you, or at least that the vibe you’ve been getting from them isn’t technically incest-y. It’s still not that exciting, though, and Dick’s distracted “They aren’t?” as he works through the paperwork on yet another police-involved shooting where he was the police who was involved is well justified. “Ugh, who cares about their relationship,” he’s thinking. “Do I get to police-involved shoot them or what?”

Mark Trail, 8/23/17

In case you were worried: yes, this Mark Trail plot is in fact going to climax as our heroes and villains shelter from tornados in the bear-infested tunnels under a Great Plains ghost town! That old bear is named Samson, and he’s ready for some tunnel-mauling.