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Dick Tracy, 8/23/17

Hey, uh, so remember the Nitrates, a brother-sister grifter team in Dick Tracy whose whole thing was that they mocked up fake version of lost classic film reels and sold them to unwary collectors, and this was an extremely lucrative scam niche, somehow? Pretty sure I only mentioned them once during their last plotline three years ago, to point out that the sister (named Silver, or possibly Sprocket) is also a hippie who goes barefoot all the time. Now they’ve got a new con going, pretending they have a long-rumored early recording of Abraham Lincoln’s voice.

Anyway, if you’re like me, you’ve had a hard time working up much enthusiasm for these characters, but you’ve also occasionally thought to yourself “am I gross or is there a vaguely incest-y vibe to these two?” And today’s strip lets us know that it’s not just you, or at least that the vibe you’ve been getting from them isn’t technically incest-y. It’s still not that exciting, though, and Dick’s distracted “They aren’t?” as he works through the paperwork on yet another police-involved shooting where he was the police who was involved is well justified. “Ugh, who cares about their relationship,” he’s thinking. “Do I get to police-involved shoot them or what?”

Mark Trail, 8/23/17

In case you were worried: yes, this Mark Trail plot is in fact going to climax as our heroes and villains shelter from tornados in the bear-infested tunnels under a Great Plains ghost town! That old bear is named Samson, and he’s ready for some tunnel-mauling.

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Gil Thorp, 8/16/17

OK, see, when it comes to my nostalgia-fueled love of returning former Gil Thorp teens who are now All Grown Up, even I have my limits. Like, Trey and Jaquan, a couple of guys who hadn’t appeared in more than a decade? I’m jazzed as hell, man! But True Standish, the star quarterback who graduated last year? Ennnnnnh. Under True’s steady hand, the ranking of the Wake Forest Demon Deacons offense apparently dropped from 114th in the NCAA Football Bowl Subdivision to 124th, but at least this summer when he crushes his receiver’s hopes and dreams, it’ll be the outcome everyone’s rooting for.

Mark Trail, 8/16/17

Oh, hey, remember when Johnny straight-up rode over a cliff on his horse? Well, surprise, that was just some fancy illusion work from Mark’s old buddy, and he’s not dead at all! Unfortunately, back two months ago (side note: Mark and this motley crew have been out on the Dakota prairie for two months??? Jesus) when Mark and Johnny plotted to use Johnny’s trick riding skills to defeat their enemies, they were still under the impression that the she-kidnapper was a hostage (despite Mark’s big talk about knowing all along she was on the side of evil), so probably Johnny is about to chivalrously ride to her rescue, with disastrous results.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/16/17

You know, some people view me with pity just because I somehow retain huge swaths of plot and character detail for Mary Worth or Gil Thorp in my head, but in my defense those plots and characters are, for the most part, fun. Take Funky Winkerbean in contrast: despite the fact that I’ve read it and been annoyed by it every day for more than a decade, I routinely forgot a lot of its byzantine world-building, because honestly why bother. So, like, for instance, up until today I would’ve sworn that Darrin’s pal/coworker Mopey Pete was another one of the strip’s seemingly endless supply of clinically depressed Northeast Ohio natives, but nope, I guess he’s a “New York and L.A. guy,” a proud bicoastal elitist who nevertheless dresses like that. Anyway, I’m sure he’ll find something that interests him in Centerville! Probably a lady, for sex.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/16/17

Sorry, gag-a-day strip writers: no so-called “punchline” you could come up with would be funnier than panel three of today’s Rex Morgan, M.D., in which we see the gears of June’s mind spinning wildly in her attempt to avoid the responsibility of raising her dying childhood friend’s toddler.

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Spider-Man, 8/11/17

Oh, man, looks like we’re about to learn what the most powerful force in the Newspaper Spideyverse is. It’s definitely not various relative attributes of a spider, that’s for sure! Nope, it’s love, which has transformed our Plutonian tyrant into a sweet suitor for a kindly widow. The question is: will it do the same for his successor? Sadly, no! An tyrant with a healthy relationship with his bride would talk through their differences, and see if there’s a way for them reconcile her sentimental affection for weddings with his need to ruthlessly smash every aspect of the former regime to cement his power. Crossing your fingers is for nine-year-olds, dude, not eternal undead Roman emperors who are [checks wikipedia] probably around 1560 years old but nobody’s sure because our sources for the Latin west in the late 5th century are pretty spotty!

Hagar the Horrible, 8/11/17

Oh, this is a nice touch: today would’ve been Hagar the Horrible creator Dik Brown’s 100th birthday, so his son, current artist Chris Brown, has put a portrait of him on the wall of Hagar’s hut! (Here’s a pretty great picture of him.) Unfortunately, the colorist doesn’t really seem to have a handle on what’s going on with Dik’s beard, so he looks like he’s covered in gravy.

Mark Trail, 8/11/17

Uh, guys? I know we’re all doing a lot of posturing about who guessed who’s identity and everything, but, uh, have you considered not standing out there in the freezing rain? Your skin is an unhealthy shade of blue. Maybe seek some shelter, see if you can light a fire … guys? Guys?

Mary Worth, 8/11/17

Sheesh indeed, Jared! It’s like you can pull out as much charm as you want with a girl and she still thinks it’s OK to make eye contact with other men???? I personally blame feminism for this!

Family Circus, 8/11/17

Oh no, who let Billy know about the devil’s metric system