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Mary Worth, 12/21/16

Ha! While Iris frolics with her boy-toy, look what’s become of Wilbur: he’s now a rugged, international man of action, pecking out the latest installment of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive!” belowdecks on some unheated tramp steamer, with only his faithful table lamp to keep him company. Sure, Iris, Zak may be aware that women can and should have orgasms, but would he put on fingerless gloves so he could heroically continue typing a syndicated newspaper column even when it’s cold? I think not!

Beetle Bailey, 12/21/16

There some clues here about what’s really happening in this strip. The endless void in the background, the way General Halftrack is lying back in his chair with his eyes half-closed, the fact that Miss Buxley has strangely gotten larger between the two panels: he’s dying, and not a moment too soon! Is his final moments, his brain is indulging his sexual gigantism fetish, the better to send him off into the hereafter.

Mark Trail, 12/21/16

Hey, were you worried about whether that island in Mark Trail was still blowing up? Well, here’s an update: It’s still blowing up. Stay tuned for further important developments in this exploding island story.

Six Chix, 12/21/16

It’s almost Christmas and you know what that means: Lots of jokes about Santa being horny!

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Curtis, 12/14/16

Curtis is a strip that I have many, many soft spots for, even when it comes to its eternal running gags, and since I admitted that I basically found this hemorrhoid joke in Crankshaft funny, I will admit this: I always laugh when Barry does something childishly disgusting to annoy Curtis. Panel three, with its extremely vivid nose-picking sound effects and motion lines, is all the more a marvel in that it managed to get past whatever remains of the comics pages’ editorial oversight.

Mark Trail, 12/14/16

Oh, in case you’re wondering, Mark and Abbey successfully leapt off that exploding island, into the ocean! Probably they’re about to be rescued by Cal, in Abbey’s stolen borrowed boat, but Abbey is taking no chances, and is clearly attempting to evolve into a magnificent cetacean, adapted to permanent life at sea, in the final panel.

Gil Thorp, 12/14/16

Ah, at last we get to the meat of the Gil Thorp basketball season storyline: the trial and tribulations of Aaron Aagard, who’s always first in alphabetical order for everything! Riveting stuff, I’m very excited.

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Gasoline Alley, 12/6/16

As is my wont with Gasoline Alley, I have no desire to bring you up to speed on the current storyline about beardy PA Chipper Wallet, and fortunately have no need to either, since nothing happening in today’s strip had any kind of earlier setup. I’m guessing that the strip was tied by some mysterious web of obligation to mention Reg Carter of the PA History Society — like perhaps the PAHS deposited a tidy sum into a certain Swiss bank account controlled by an intermediary shell corporation owned by Gasoline Alley intellectual property holder Tribune Media, or maybe Mr. Carter lost a bet. Anyway, obviously what this transaction needs to make it interesting is a little sex appeal, and what better way to deliver that than to have Chipper’s redheaded assistant practically throwing herself at him? Look at her fluttering her eyelids in panel one. That’s the stuff that gets red-blooded comics readers hot under the collar, I tell you what. The PA History Society’s really getting its money’s worth.

Mark Trail, 12/6/16

If there’s something funnier in the history of comics than Mark’s pose in panel two here, I can’t imagine what it might be! Since he’s talking, I’m pretty sure he’s not actually running yet, just posing extremely dynamically to impress upon Abbey how very fast they’re going to have to run in order to not suffer an awful death by lava.

Pluggers, 12/6/16

“Nothing gets a dog hornier for a chicken than the smell of fruit pastry” –a nationally syndicated comic panel, apparently