Post Content

Beetle Bailey, 9/22/15

I am very interested in how exactly the process in the Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC writers room came together to generate this alleged humor product. “So, we’re agreed that the punchline to Tuesday’s strip should be that Otto, a dog who wears clothes and walks upright and thinks in complete sentences, will be peeing on Lt. Fuzz’s garden. Any pitches on how we punch that up a bit?” “How about if he gets a really mean face when he thinks about urinating on the flowers. Like it’s a threat.” “I like it, I like it. Do we want to make it seem just a little sexual? The pee-threat?” “Yes. Yes. Now we’re talking.”

Mary Worth, 9/22/15

I know we have a few months left, but I’m calling it now: Mary saying “Toby has many friends” with a facial expression that clearly indicates that she knows that Toby has no friends, even Mary is more than an acquaintance, really, just someone she talks to because of physical proximity, so why don’t we cut to the chase, why don’t we end this charade, human connection is impossible on this side of the veil, is definitely the panel of the year.

Shoe, 9/22/15

English is of course the international language of business and diplomacy, the equivalent of French or Latin in their heyday, so we can’t fault marginal cultures like the bird-people of Treetops for adopting it and the advantages that come with it. But still, it’s sad that, in only a few generations, they’ve completely abandoned the ancient language of birds. Do they ever look at the dusty old books of Bird-Speech, the impenetrable symbols taunting them with the reminder of their ancient cultural heritage, now lost forever?

Mark Trail, 9/22/15

Oh hey over in Mark Trail Mark is about to tangle with some bad guys in that radioactive wreck! In the close confines of that boat it’d be dangerous to actually fire his spear gun, so I guess he’s just going to stab them in the gut, one by one.

Wizard of Id, 9/22/15

Oh, did summer go by too fast for your tastes? I guess you don’t really know how to do summer! I guess you should be more like this smug cartoon wizard here!

Pluggers, 9/22/15

It takes highly advanced and extremely expensive science just to keep pluggers alive.

Post Content

Gasoline Alley, 9/18/15

Good news, everyone! Gasoline Alley’s beloved Mildly Rude Salesman Character, an homage/straight-up barely mediated depiction of Frank Nelson’s character from the Jack Benny show, is back! He’s appeared in the strip a couple times before, and this callback to a character who was most popular in the 1950s and who hasn’t appeared on TV in nearly 35 years hasn’t taken off like you’d think it would, but you know what they say: third time’s a charm! Just keep having the guy show up over and over again in your comic despite nobody knowing exactly what his deal is, despite the fact that most of your audience won’t recognize him at all and a small percentage will just say “I feel like I’ve seen this guy” but not bother to research it further! I mean, why not? Who’s to stop you?

Judge Parker, 9/18/15

Having already imparted the valuable lessons of her experience to Sophie, Abbey is now schooling Neddy: use your wealth and beauty to convince as many boys as possible to make out with you! Don’t get married young! Husbands are smug, sexless black holes from which no joy can escape! Have you seen Sam?

Gil Thorp, 9/18/15

Gil Thorp continues to prove that it has its finger on the pulse of the modern teen by introducing characters named Dory Darwin and Breck Darwin, which are exactly the sort of dumb names that modern teens have been cursed with. I sincerely hope that whatever B plot these guys get saddled with ends with them dropping out of school to become Vine stars.

Mark Trail, 9/18/15

This storyline’s bad guys just unleashed their sinister plan: distracting Mississippi Ken from his important screen-looking-at duties with their sweet, sweet yacht.

Apartment 3-G, 9/18/15

“Sorry it took me so long to get here! I was busy growing my hair out.”

Post Content

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/13/15

Oh, boy, everybody, Milton’s son Hugh is back! I barely touched on him in my summary of the last Avery International storyline a couple weeks ago, but trust me: Hugh is hilarious. He tried to take over the company once, already! He was so annoying that Rex decided to mess up his schemes, not out of feelings of friendship for Heather but out of pure spite! He wandered around a parking garage aimlessly with Rex, then had to sit in the Morgans’ ice-cream befouled car! He doesn’t even like his dad, with good reason! He doesn’t really understand what a nurse is! He insulted June’s wine! He flailed around amusingly when he realized he’d been scammed! He got hilariously drunk and maudlin, and was subsequently hilariously hungover! He pathetically begged June to be nice to him! He was visibly unsettled when his stepmother practically flashed him, but soldiered on with his apology! He almost got blown up! Then … I actually don’t know how it ended up with him? I thought he and Heather sort of made up, but now he’s trying to take the company away from her again? Or maybe this is another Avery son, in which case I’m going to feel pretty dumb for having spent the last half an hour hunting down all those links. Anyway, just to remind you that the person attempting to gain control of the company by marshaling support among the stockholders who ultimately own it is the bad guy in this storyline, and we’re supposed to be rooting for the person who had her mentally incompetent husband appoint her a company director.

Mark Trail, 9/13/15

“People aren’t born being naturally afraid of snakes! They learn to be afraid of them when they find out that many of them can inject you with deadly poison with their long, terrifying fangs. Anyway, you know who isn’t afraid of snakes? Mongooses! That’s because snake venom doesn’t affect them. You should probably be afraid of snakes, though. THEY HAVE MOTHERFUCKING POISON TEETH”