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Funky Winkerbean, 5/1/15

Guys, I did not have a particularly fun time socially for a lot of high school. At one point I got voted out of my lunch table. Once I did start making friends, as a senior, many of them were kids I met through debate who went to other schools. When I was 28, I got an email via Classmates.com (haha, remember Classmates.com?) from my graduating class’s power couple, who were somehow still together and organizing the 10-year-reunion; even though I didn’t have any interest in going, my girlfriend at the time told me to write back and ask to be put on the mailing list in order to get all the good gossip. Despite my request, I was not, in fact put on the mailing list.

So you’d think I’d be primed to identify with Les in the current Funky Winkerbean storyline, in which the most popular girl from his graduating class is skipping town and strong-arming him into taking her place and organizing a reunion for a bunch of people who used to hold him in contempt. The fact that I feel not an iota of sympathy for him is a testament to his true unlikeability as a character. Even if this today’s strip is your first exposure to him, I think you can get a sense of this. Look at that face! That face is a smirk so intensely smug that it’s crossed the line into full-on muscle spasm.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/1/15

Seems that today’s Snuffy Smith was determined to do its own version of the classic “How do you get to Carnegie Hall?” gag, only to end up grappling with the fact that the only job in this impoverished subsistence-farming community that requires any degree of formal training is the lone clergyman’s post — and sadly, the current parson is a theologically unlearned grifter.

Mark Trail, 5/1/15

Oh, hello nice bureaucrat lady! Did you think you could defeat nature with some well-meaning government programs? Well you can’t. Nature is full of floods and flames and it will not obey you.

Wizard of Id, 5/1/15

Meanwhile, in the Wizard of Id, the king is going to fuck some money.

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Mary Worth, 4/27/15

Mary gleefully explains love using the familiar language of commerce: “There are no guarantees, so how about a trial period? You could check out lots of free samples — and before you commit, be sure to line up all the coupons and rebates you can. Maybe you could even negotiate a discount for that bum leg. Under the circumstances, you should probably spring for the service contract. There are also some really good deals to be found when you buy in bulk — does Adam have any brothers? Check out the accessories, but don’t let anybody sell you something you don’t need — I know from my experience with Dr. Jeff that the rustproofing is a ripoff. And remember to shop around, including online. And don’t rule out barter! Say, what does Yelp have to say about this guy?”

Mark Trail, 4/27/15

OK, how much does everybody love hapless, never-to-be-married Wally Wood? Seriously, this guy couldn’t buy a hap at World of Haps Outlet Store on Presidents Day. Maybe Mark Trail will spin off The Trials of Wally Wood to compete in the coveted “misery porn” bracket now dominated by Funky Winkerbean, featuring guest appearances by Mark to get things rolling:

Mother Goose and Grimm, 4/27/15

And the comic strip makes three. Or maybe they just killed the wrong dog.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Slylock Fox (panel), 4/26/15

Slylock ditches his jet in an African zoo and is completely baffled. Max has more immediate concerns.

Gasoline Alley (panel), 4/26/15

Walt is now at least 115 years old. Statistically, the number of people who die at that age is vanishingly small — and actually declines with further increases in age! So whether he’s ready or not, we’re likely to have Walt around for a long, long, time.

Mark Trail (panel), 4/26/15

Again with the bugs! If these plagues keep up, we’ll be lucky to make it until Josh gets back on Wednesday.

Say, I’m no etymologist, but wouldn’t you have to release one hell of a lot of sterile males to compete with the wild ones? I thought there also had to be some selection bias toward the sterile males, like unusually firm probosci, or they secrete Hai Karate or something. Unless somebody can look up the answer by Wednesday, we’ll never know.

Rex Morgan, M.D. (panel), 4/26/15

Yeah, Sarah, this is the part about you being a kid that nobody else likes, either.

— Uncle Lumpy