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Apartment 3-G, 1/11/15

You know, all week I’ve sort of felt the urge to feature Apartment 3-G to update you on the doings therein, but no individual strip has struck me as interesting enough to feature on the blog. Fortunately, the strip has a longstanding policy where they spend Sunday rehashing the week’s developments! So, it’s like this: Sam told Margo at lunch that Margo’s mom is under the sway of some psychic lady who is interfering with wedding plans, and then Margo left lunch and almost fell in front of a car, but then some mysterious gentleman stranger who somehow knows her name saved her! Is he part of the league of psychics who have their claws in Gabriella? Is this some indication that Margo really is the center of the universe and her whole reality is an elaborately constructed Truman Show-style simulacrum? Probably not, and the actual answer will be a million times more boring than either of these possibilities, but the last storyline in this strip involved Tommie and some other lady talking to each other endlessly about a usually off-panel baby deer and an even more usually off-panel emotionally withholding large-animal vet, so it can’t possibly be duller than that.

Mark Trail, 1/11/15

You know what’s not dull at all is today’s Mark Trail Teaches You About Nature installment. Horrible cannibal fishes distract each other so they can eat each other’s babies! You drag each and every one of these monsters out of the water and leave the lake to good-hearted, God-fearing organisms like kelp, Rusty.

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Hi and Lois, 1/5/15

Oh, man, those knowing looks Hi and Lois are giving each other in panel one are chilling me to my very core. What erotic scenarios have played out in the Flagston household that include food and praying? Lois’s deflated expression in panel two confirms everyone’s longheld belief that the bevy of Flagston children mainly exists to get in the way of the title characters’ varied and active sex life.

Mark Trail, 1/5/15

I’ve never murdered anyone or been murdered, but just based on what I know about humans and how they operate, probably if you’re actually going to kill a few people in cold blood for money-making reasons you don’t necessarily spend a lot of time telling them about it, right? And the people who do keeping jawing on the subject maybe aren’t the most serious about the whole affair. What I’m trying to say is that, as a rule, you shouldn’t up and smack some armed dude who’s planning to kill you, but Cherry may not be completely off-base on her ability to get away with this here.

Slylock Fox, 1/5/15

Hmm, let’s just check out the solution here and “Slylock used his sense of taste” OH MY GOD HE LICKED IT, HE LICKED THE BOAT, I know he’s a fox and all but it sure reduces his Clever Detective cred now that we know he goes around licking things, right? “Used his sense of taste,” honestly.

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Happy New Year, faithful readers! I have returned from my year’s end journey and am ready to amuse you once more with my comic-mocking wit, which I’ve been inflicting on you all for ten years now and which I’ll never stop ever, probably. As usual, I intended to take a break from the (electronic simulacrum of the) funny pages over vacation, but upon return felt compelled to catch up with my beloved soaps and some of the other strips, and have curated the best and dumbest here for you!

Dick Tracy, 12/25/14

In one of several plots I haven’t been keeping you updated on in Dick Tracy, Dick’s son Junior and his wife Sparkle Plenty are having a baby! Which was apparently delivered on Christmas Day, accompanied by a biblical quotation implying heavily that Dick’s new grandchild is the new Messiah, the Anointed One who will usher in God’s Kingdom on Earth. Will Dick resist the new divine order with all the violence at his disposal, or will he serve as the agent of his holy Descendent, mostly by shooting His or Her enemies?

Gil Thorp, 12/25/14

In a treasured Gil Thorp holiday tradition, Gil and Mimi pose for a Christmas picture that does not include the hideously ugly children they used to have.

Judge Parker, 12/25/14

Judge Parker wished us a Merry Christmas from the eerily empty Sonoron Desert, which, with any luck, our heroes’ RV will soon wander into, only to break down again, leaving them exposed to the elements.

Apartment 3-G, 12/25/14

On Christmas Day, Margo showed the true holiday spirit: she knows there’s no greater gift a boss can give her harried and almost certainly underpaid employee than to allow him to buy her dinner.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/26/14

“Either way, it’s definitely going to be your fault when I relapse! Aren’t you glad you came back?”

Mary Worth, 12/26/14

Mary Worth’s promotion of a healthy and active sexual lifestyle for seniors has now dovetailed with its firm belief in filial piety. Remember, it’s acceptable for a mother to cockblock her daughter, but not vice-versa.

(Also, psst, speaking of Mary Worth, faithful reader Wanders’s Mary Worth And Me blog is hosting the Annual Worthy Awards! Go over and vote!)

Mark Trail, 12/26/14

Wait, Mitchum, didn’t you hire local thugs in order to keep your fingerprints (both metaphorical and literal) off of this brutal crime you have planned? And here you are showing your face to your victims! Whatever you do, don’t explain to everyone who you are and why you’re doing this!

Mark Trail, 12/27/14

God damn it, Mitchum.

Curtis, 12/29/14

Traditionally, this time of year Curtis graces us with a nutty Kwanzaa storyline, featuring things like bat-winged bears and giant telepathic otters and adorable tiny primates stabbing witches in the neck. Unfortunately, this year in lieu of such delightful madness, we are instead getting days and days of Curtis’s dad sitting on the couch and kvetching about how Kwanzaa is getting so commercialized these days, which, in addition to being super boring, is, I’m reasonably sure, not even remotely true.

Mark Trail, 12/30/14

I guess Mitchum and his thugs are wearing matching shirts as a sort of Eco-Terrorism False Flag Uniform, but for a brief moment I had hoped that, upon deciding to punch Mark, Mitchum’s hair peeled off the top of his head to form the bald-ponytail combo in panel three — that his decision to assault our hero had in other words caused him to literally flip his lid.

Apartment 3-G, 1/1/15

Margo Magee’s management secrets … revealed!!!

Mary Worth, 1/2/15

Welp, it looks like Hanna and Amy aren’t so apocalyptically angry at each other anymore, and Hanna is using her powers of witchcraft to summon up an image of her new boyfriend for her daughter to admire. Meanwhile, though, Gordon has been reunited with his true love, the television set.

And I have returned to my true love: entertaining all of you! Normal-style comics blogging resumes tomorrow! Happy 2015, and may God have mercy on our souls!