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Mark Trail, 7/23/13

Guys, our sinister fake big game hunters have finally noticed that famous nature writer Mark Trail has literally gone “undercover” at their fake hunting lodge without wearing a disguise or even using a fake name. I guess they finally got that free trial issue of of Woods and Wildlife Magazine they signed up for, which they planned to leave lying around their fake hunting lodge to make it look more like a real hunting lodge? I like that Mark’s picture is prominently displayed at the top of the page; I assume this means that his editor Bill Ellis has given him a monthly column, where he offers his wooden, awkward thoughts on issues of importance to the outdoorsmanship community. Or maybe this is actually a copy of Outdoors Reporter, a trade magazine for nature journalists, and this a wooden, awkward interview with Mark instead.

Pluggers, 7/23/13

I’m going to mostly ignore the fairly baffling joke in today’s Pluggers (“ha ha, all you ELITIST LIBERALS are going to get LUNG CANCER from the SCIENCE CHEMICALS in your FANCY CARS, your so-called GREEN HYBRID is less ECO-FRIENDLY than you think”) and instead point out this plugger’s license plate appears to read “PLUGGRZ”. Which is problematic, because the s-for-z orthography is well known to derive from the rap music, which is anathema to pluggerdom. Perhaps it actually reads “PLUGGR2”? Just imagine our poor bear-man at the DMV, all excited as he waits in line by the idea of getting a plugger-themed license plate, then sighing heavily when he finds out that someone has beaten him to the punch and trying to decide if it’s still worth it or if he should just give up on it all together. I’m just a plugger, he thinks to himself. I guess I don’t deserve any little joys in this life, because I’m not quick enough. Then he goes back to his car and breathes in the plugger equivalent of those toxic fumes from a non-plugger’s new car interior. (The plugger equivalent is plugger farts.)

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Wizard of Id, 7/21/13

I don’t know if whoever’s currently writing Wizard of Id just got a big dog or just got bored with writing jokes about the same ten-ish characters who have been in the strip since the ’70s or what, but for the past year or so there have been a lot of Wizard of Id strips about Henry, the Wiz’s recently introduced pet dragon. As with Hagar and his cuddly bloodthirsty marauders, much of the humor here arises from the deliberately showcased contradiction between Henry-as-adorable-pet and Henry-as-terrifying-monster. I’d argue, though, that we’ve tipped a little too far towards the latter when we end a strip with an actual mangled human corpse dangling out of Henry’s mouth, with bits of blood and flesh falling to the ground like a soft rain.

Spider-Man, 7/21/13

Maybe I’ve fallen into some form of Stockholm Syndrome, but at this point I literally don’t want Spidey’s whiny, petulant battle of wits with a dickish eight-year-old to end. Today’s strip pretty much encapsulates everything that’s made it great: Spidey apologizing to the startled flight attendent by explaining that he only reacted to so violently because he thought she was a child; the kid taking every opportunity to remind Spider-Man that there are other, better superheroes in the world; and, of course, Spidey’s epic soda-slurping staredown with his scowling pint-sized antagonist. I am 100% certain whatever superheroic combat awaits our hero in Costa Verde will be infinitely less thrilling that this.

Mark Trail, 7/21/13

Harems? Sex fights? No wonder our society is coming apart at the seams, when immoral filth like this appears on the so-called “funny” pages.

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Dick Tracy, 7/17/13

When we last checked in with Moon Maid, she was fleeing to Dairyland after her attempt to return to the moon ended in failure. Given the traditionally Chicago-centric world of Dick Tracy, it seemed reasonable to assume that this was a reference to the nearby great state of Wisconsin. But today’s strip makes it seems like she’s wandered into Berlin circa 1945 instead. Is this the scene of a typically violent Dick Tracy storyline’s denoument? Is America’s greatest lawman just leaving ruined buildings in his crime-solving wake?

Mark Trail, 7/17/13

“If isn’t them, I don’t care, though. Fuck otters I don’t know personally. I hope he makes them into hats.”

Heathcliff, 7/17/13

“Also, your ‘tires’ are perfectly two-dimensional circles, somehow resting on their infinitely thin edge. Why aren’t they slicing through the pavement as if it were butter?”

(That “birthday” in the title is my birthday, by the way. I am 39! Enjoy today’s post while I mourn my lost youth.)