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Apartment 3-G, 6/23/12

“No paramedics, Scott!! They follow their rules, not ours.”

Ahem. Let’s just enjoy that line again, shall we?

“No paramedics, Scott!! They follow their rules, not ours.”

Oh, man. I mean really, it’s too delicious! “No paramedics, Scott!! They follow their rules — their medically sound rules, based on a century of science and years of training and experience dealing with people who need medical attention, not our crazy patchwork of imperious and contradictory commands and whims that we’ve developed over the course of a lifetime of wealth and privilege — wealth and privilege that have kept us isolated from anyone who might tell us that we’re wrong about anything, ever. Damn it, if I want this baby sucked out of me through my bellybutton by powerful magnets, then that’s how it’s going to be! Who do we know with a medical degree who’s weak-willed enough to do exactly what I tell them to, no matter how stupid that might be? Oh, right, Tommie Thompson. Call Tommie!”

“No paramedics, Scott!! They follow their rules, not ours.”

Excuse me, be right back, getting that tattooed on my ass.

Mark Trail, 6/23/12

It actually makes me feel kind of bad for Mark Trail, because on most days his “Hmm, I’m being pursued by armed killers, let’s wake up this hibernating grizzly bear, that can only result in positive outcomes” plan would be the most deranged and hilarious thing on the comics page. But not today, my friend. Not today.

Mary Worth, 6/23/12

I’m not sure if this is the narrative intention or not, but I am 100% more interested in Mary’s upcoming stint as an Ask Wendy pinch hitter than I am in Dawn moping her way across Italy or whatever. Mary is finally beginning to realize that this newfangled “printing press” technology will allow her to meddle in lives on an unprecedented scale, forcing people to bend to her will without ever having to meet them in person! And the rest of the world is also rejoicing at the news, as the front page of the Santa Royale Gazette indicates: stock markets are going through the roof now that Mary will be dispensing advice in the newspaper, and I have no doubt that the “RESULTS ANNOUNCED IN NEW POLL” indicate unanimous support for Mary’s appointment as dictator for life.

Judge Parker, 6/23/12

Uh oh, looks like Avery’s about to fall to his death! I certainly hope that he’s had time in the car to write a new will that leaves his vast fortune to Sam.

Ziggy, 6/23/12

OK, so here’s a funny story! I was pretty much all ready to write a joke along the lines of “These birds yearn to feast on Ziggy’s flesh” and move on with my life, when something about that seemed naggingly familiar; sure enough, a little Google searching revealed this Ziggy cartoon from four years ago:

…and at the time I in fact made the exact joke I almost made about this panel. The weird part is that this isn’t just a repeat panel — it’s completely redrawn, which makes me wonder if, much like me and my birds-eating-Ziggy joke, Tom II thought of this joke again and forgot that it had already appeared in his strip and completely redrew a panel for it. That sort of problem is frankly forgivable and inevitable, for who can avoid repeating themselves when they need to produce seven jokes a week, every week, every year, for the rest of their lives?

Actually, I’m sorry, that wasn’t so much a “funny story” as a “depressing” one.

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Luann, 6/19/12

Thank goodness Luann has recently made some ham-handed attempts to condemn bullying, because now we know how to recognize bullying in action. These two friends are playing a trick on someone they don’t like, which will probably leave her feeling humiliated and ashamed! Oh, wait, what’s that? The two friend characters are defined as good within the context of the strip, and the other one is defined as bad? Whoops, sorry, it’s not bullying at all, just a gal who’s too sexy having her sexy feelings turned against her! Sorry for the confusion. We hope that today’s final panel can at least inspire you with erotic feelings as well as deserved satisfaction at this harlot’s comeuppance.

Gil Thorp, 6/19/12

In today’s Gil Thorp, a cunningly placed word balloon labels a teen mom (whom other players’ parents tried to force off the team lest she inspire the other softball players to sluttery) as a MILF, which normally would be pretty horrifying but after that Luann ick it just kinda seems like good clean fun.

Apartment 3-G, 6/19/12

OK, I’ve never experienced labor myself, but my understanding is that one does not go directly from “I am feeling discomfort that could be reasonably construed as the stomach flu” to “Oh my God I am in such excruciating pain that I cannot get myself downstairs to a cab or even crawl into the hallway to alert other people in this apartment building to my plight.” Though I suppose it’s possible that Nina has long ago alienated all her neighbors with her imperious behavior and so she figures it’s better to give birth alone than to beg one of them for help. Anyway, our poor little rich girl seems to be bucking up in the final panel, which is too bad considering that she’s sitting in a rapidly spreading pool of inky blackness, which presumably heralds the arrival of whatever hell-demon is gestating in her womb.

Mark Trail, 6/19/12

“He’ll never be able to outrun us! Not with those absurdly tiny feet!”

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B.C., 6/14/12

One of the things I think is funny and interesting in B.C. (is it on purpose? let’s say it’s funny and interesting on purpose) is its mix of sentient predator and sentient prey animals, actually depicted preying on each other, as with the ants and anteaters. I find today’s strip particularly intriguing on this score. If you don’t really think about it much and accept the outside-the-anthill perspective the strip gives you, it’s a silly bit about an anteater getting his tongue tied in a knot, ho ho! But take a minute to imagine the scene inside: the gathering of innocent ants, going about their business within the larger colony, when suddenly an enormous, slimy tentacle bursts through the wall of their home, slithering to and fro. Who knows how many hundreds of unfortunates were snared by foul mucus that covers the monstrous thing and dragged back screaming into its snout, where they will be digested, alive, in agony? The carnage continues until one heroic young ant defeats the beast using the skills he’s learned in his scout group; the monster retreats in confusion, but the colony members look around their shattered home, weeping for their loved ones, wondering how they’ll be able to put their lives back together.

Mark Trail, 6/14/12

“Well, we flew close to him and tipped over his canoe and probably he fell into a fairly calm river within easy swimming distance of shore. That should take care of Mr. Trail!” Bush pilot Mike Harris is the most half-assed murderer ever. Maybe someone should check in on Al Chavez, he might turn out to not be dead after all.

Ziggy, 6/14/12

Finally, Ziggy has been proven to be genetically inferior, with science.