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Mark Trail, 9/16/11

I feel that this is a good opportunity to point out that Mark Trail is probably the worst comic strip out there when it comes to depicting responsible pet ownership. Remember a few years back, when a terribly depressed little girl got even more depressed because her puppy got kidnapped? Now, far be it for me to blame the puppy-kidnapping victim, but I felt that at some point during the proceedings of that storyline someone, possibly Mark, should have said something along the lines of “Hey, little girl, do you know why those kidnappers were able to kidnap your dog? Because you just let it run freely around your neighborhood at night! In fact, even in some kind of magical fantasy world where puppy-napping isn’t rampant, your puppy could easily have gotten hit by car, or attacked by a raccoon or coyote! Or maybe it just would have decided to run off with another family. Keep your dog indoors or in an enclosed yard, always!”

But of course Mark doesn’t say this, because he’s terrible. In fact, he just lets his dog Andy roam around and go wherever he wants! In this case, Andy has, after pursuing a lady dog named Princess (which implies that Andy hasn’t been fixed, another way Mark is a terrible pet owner), ended up in the hands of Sgt. McQueen’s mother, the lady who’s been putting the Bible bands on the geese. She’s shown her villainy by putting Andy in “prison” (i.e., a fenced yard) and trying to find out who he belongs to. This is exactly the same degree of evil as was displayed by her putting metal bands with Bible verses on the legs of geese, which is to say none at all.

Mary Worth, 9/16/11

Oh my goodness, sexy Bobby Long is on the “New York Blazes!” He’s on their “most eligible roster,” on-field and off! Which means, uh, what exactly? What the hell kind of soccer team has a “most eligible roster” on-field? Or off-field? Maybe the “New York Blazes” is actually a stable of male prostitutes, that soccer ball is just a prop to show he’s “athletic,” and Gina’s long-awaited reunion is about to get spendy.

Six Chix, 9/16/11

As America grows more diverse, our schools need to be able to embrace and educate children from a wide variety of backgrounds. Still, I don’t think I could blame a teacher for disliking a student who’s an actual demon from hell.

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OK, so here is my excuse as to why I was late with the first few days of this week’s comics, which is that I was in scenic Orlando, Florida. While in America’s #1 Central Florida tourist destination, I stopped by the Universal Islands of Adventure, and while maybe I was mostly interested in Harry-Potter-related activities, I was also keenly aware, thanks to a steady trickle of photos sent to me by faithful readers over the years, that there was a real live Mark Trail diorama to be found. And when I spotted it, it was all I had hoped and dreamed of … and more!

Yes, here we have Mark and Billy Keane interacting, for some reason! And what the pictures I had seen couldn’t convey was the fact that this display has an audio component as well! As I stood nearby and pretended to menace Mark with my feeble fist, his soothing voice was piped in from a speaker above his head, informing us that he works for Woods and Wildlife Magazine and loved nature. For reasons I cannot comprehend, Mark is the only character in the whole Toon Lagoon area who gets to speak! Do you think that any of that makes sense to anyone who visits the park, other than the soap opera strip obsessives who read this blog?

There were other characters on display there, and a weird grab-bag they were. They certainly weren’t the most popular characters, but they also weren’t from any one comics syndicate, which means we can rule out corporate synergy as a basis for the character choices. For instance, there’s this Shoe display! Kids love Shoe, right?

You also have the opportunity to stand directly under Marvin’s no-doubt poop-filled diaper:

And you can get some ice cream, if you aren’t scared off by Cathy’s looming crotch.

In summary, the Toon Lagoon section of the Islands of Adventure is a good place to spend a few minutes of ironic bafflement before moving on to actually fun parts of the park. (Although the Dudley Do-Right log flume ride is pretty great. I had forgot how completely pun-tastic that show was!)

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Ziggy, 9/6/11

What really makes today’s Ziggy work (and there’s a series of words I’ll bet you never expected to see in that order) are the facial expressions on our two dramatis personae. This could be yet another dumb cartoon about Twitter written by someone who’s heard about, but never actually used, Twitter, but I’m drawn in by how manic and excited Ziggy looks as he scribbles in his diary, along with the look of genuine distress on the face of his parrot (who is named Josh, by the way, and yes, it disturbs me both that Ziggy’s parrot is named Josh and that I know that Ziggy’s parrot is named Josh). What juicy tidbits might Ziggy unleash on the world, via Twitter? Is Josh unsettled by the thought that Ziggy might reveal his deepest parrot-secrets on various social networking sites? Or does just he just know that Ziggy’s innermost thoughts are repugnant to all right-thinking people and should never, ever see the light of day? Anyway, he needn’t worry, as Ziggy isn’t allowed to have an Internet connection, because of the court order.

Mark Trail, 9/6/11

OH SNAP SGT. MCQUEEN IS IN ON THE BIRD-BANDING CONSPIRACY! “I knew this day would come … the day when my pointless, incomprehensible actions would lead to the very mild negative consequences that only exist in my fantasy world. Princess, deliver this message for me … you know where to go … no, Princess! Don’t eat it! Damn you, dog, don’t pretend you don’t understand complex English sentences! Why would I spend so much time talking to you if you don’t?”