Post Content

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/16/11

You know, I thought I had already unwillingly contemplated all the ways in which existence among the inbred, illiterate wretches of Hootin’ Holler would be awful, but here comes today’s strip to prove me wrong! Can you imagine what life must be like for what I assume is the community’s sole undertaker? Day after day, he must deal with the town’s filthy, hirsute dead, and some dim sense of how civilized people look and behave drives him to provide them in death with a modicum of the dignity that they cared nothing for in life. I’m actually kind of surprised that Loweezy and Elviney even recognize Travis, and don’t hiss at his strange, hairless face, fearful of whatever devil-magic cleaned all the grime off of it.

Mark Trail, 5/16/11

Ha ha, what if all this “there’s a crazy man living in the woods” business was just a distraction from the real story here: namely, that the bears have finally decided to rise up against us? One shouldn’t doubt their capability to put their revolutionary schemes into effect, as they’re clearly intelligent to eliminate the Mark Trail, the only human who could stop them, before moving against the cities.

Post Content

Beetle Bailey, 5/13/11

Now that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell has been repealed, the love between Sarge and Beetle that Dare Not Speak Its Name is no longer the most poignant human relationship in this strip. That title now belongs to the Halftracks’ marriage, aka The Love That Could Freely Speak Its Name Were It Not Cold And Dead And Shriveled Up At The Bottom Of A Ravine. At one level their relationship is fairly simple: he drinks and makes doomed passes at younger, prettier women, she nags him, and neither of them would think about leaving the other because what else is there in life but this? And yet within these basic parameters, endless permutations of pain and hatred are possible.

Today’s skirmish is particularly amazing. Can you imagine the trouble Mrs. Halftrack must have gone through to have an enormous liquor bottle custom made? The expense? The meticulous attention to detail needed to get label just right? Not to mention the hours and money spent pouring gallon after gallon of scotch into the thing. And yet, by the way her expression of feigned helplessness in panel one smoothly transforms into a hardened glare in panel two, we can tell that every minute and dollar was absolutely worth it, just to rub her anger in the pathetic old drunk’s face. Good luck moving it out of the living room where your guests can see it! Oh, wait, you don’t have guests, because nobody likes either of you.

Funk Winkerbean, 5/13/11

Uh, Summer is aware that Les’s book is about her mother’s slow, agonizing death, right? Or maybe she knows how Hollywood works and realizes that by the time Lisa’s Story hits theaters in three years or so, it will be about a sexy, ruthless secret agent dedicated to tracking down and capturing a terrorist mastermind code-named “Cancer.”

Mark Trail, 5/13/11

“Yes, it’s wholly possible that John is a dangerous armed lunatic! That’s why I’m going to let you walk six feet in front of me, Andy. Try not to get shot or fall into any pits or whatever!”

Post Content

Spider-Man, 5/5/11

I was about to give this dreary Spider-Man vampire plot credit for its first genuine bit of horror, as Martine and Morbius’s eyes are suddenly and without explanation transformed into awful, toothy mouths, but then I realized that their pupils have just turned into bats — very, very crudely drawn bats — and it’s supposed to be, like, symbolic or whatever.

Apartment 3-G, 5/5/11

Ha, and now that Trey’s softened up the old man, Margo comes in to apply some brutality. “I hope the money’s coming from Herriman and Fowler! Just make that check out to ‘Trey and Margo’s sex vacation fund,’ or my associate here will be forced to do terrible, terrible things to you, and not the fun kind.”

Funky Winkerbean, 5/5/11

Have you been thinking, “Damn it, I wish Les would stop toying with these two women who for unexplainable reasons are attracted to him and just pick one to share his lovemaking stylings with”? Well, I’ll bet you’re sorry now.

Mark Trail, 5/5/11

As Mark squirmed into his cocoon, he thought of the many long-haired and bearded men whom he had defeated via fisticuffs over the years. But little did he know that he would soon be facing his greatest nemesis ever: Jesus Christ.