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Hi and Lois, 1/21/10

Uh oh, it looks like that damn Women’s Lib has ruined storytime forever, am I right, fellas? Used to be little girls would hear medieval tales about being rescued from dragons and becoming some handsome man’s property and just eat it up, but now they want, like, social and economic autonomy and shit. The befuddled look on Hi and Ditto’s faces shows that they know that patriarchy has been fatally undermined.

Of course, Hi appears to be reading not so much out of a storybook as from a few pieces of loose-leaf paper folded down the middle to form a crude booklet with “ONCE UPON A TIME” scrawled across the front. Perhaps the inside is filled mostly with Hi’s rantings about how the 19th amendment brought about a gynocentric tyranny, which makes Dot’s response all the more reasonable.

Herb and Jamaal, 1/21/10

Herb seems to have been possessed by an extremely mellow demon, which has compelled him to casually pull the Bible off the shelf and spit on it. The holy book responds to this assault by releasing thick clouds of acrid smoke. Who will win this low-stakes battle for Herb’s immortal soul?

Mark Trail, 1/21/10

Meanwhile, the sinister Parker Brothers have struck at the … dudes … in the canoe … who I don’t know who they are … by running their outboard motor at them? I guess? Oh, that’s a punching for that, that is.

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Mark Trail, 1/19/10

Since we last checked in with Mark Trail, we’ve learned that the contours of 2010’s first storyline will involve disputes over land use and land preservation and a sinister, charismatic Senator and a restaurant that serves wild game and … uh … that’s about all I can tell you. I’d like to say that you should go back and read the archives to connect those dots, but I don’t think you’ll be able to make much more sense out of it than I have, because it’s pretty incoherent. My guess is that the Mark Trail brain trust was ordered by the syndicate to tap into prevailing anti-politician sentiment by making the next villain an elected official, but since nobody involved in creating the strip understands politics outside the context of “forest law,” by necessity that part didn’t make much sense.

Anyway, now the strip is on much firmer narrative ground: rustic ruffians who want to interfere with good-hearted folks’ enjoyment of nature! “I thought we warned you to stay out of this end of the lake! We’re the Parker Brothers … do you think we’re playing a game with you?” Ha ha, get it, because … Parker Brothers … erm. Anyway, the main question now is whether these two outboard-motoring thugs will be punched separately or in a single mighty blow.

Judge Parker, 1/19/10

I haven’t been covering Judge Parker here either, but its action has been much easier to follow. Rocky and Godiva are having marital problems, so Sam convinced Rocky to stay by describing how financially ruinous their divorce would be! Sam and Abby are all smiles while discussing this, because their sexless sham marriage works out so well for them that they can’t see why others wouldn’t enjoy one as well.

Apartment 3-G, 1/19/10

“You seemed quite comfortable” is obviously newspaper-comics-we-can’t-show-it code for “your penis seemed quite comfortable … in my vagina,” which is unsettling because (a) Bobbie and the Professor have remained fully clothed and (b) there’s no furniture in this apartment, which means they must have done it up against one of Bobbie’s beloved radiators. Just in case this pills-for-sex deal wasn’t tawdry enough for you! I hate to keep bringing the pills back up, but honestly, there’s no explanation other than powerful prescription tranquilizers for the disconnect between Bobbie’s sharpening tone and her blissed out expression in the second panel.

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Your top comments are coming shortly, everyone, but there are some ITEMS to enjoy first! We begin with an EXCITING NEW BLOG PROJECT brought to you by Rifftrax writer Conor Lastowka and yours truly. It’s called “[Citation Needed]” and it consists of hilariously bad prose culled from Wikipedia and other wikis. It’s updated when we feel like it, more or less daily, sometimes several times a day (depending on how much time either or both of us spending “doing research”) and you’ll read it and you’ll love it. Check it out!

Also! Faithful reader Mr.??? has pointed me in the direction of the University of Nebraska’s Government Comics Collection. Find out what foul propaganda Big Government has forced your favorite comics characters to spout! Highlights include Rex Morgan talking to you about your unborn child, Dennis the Menace learning how to kill with poison, Mark Trail fighting to save America’s waters, and Dagwood taking out his workplace frustrations on his family. Don’t miss ’em!

And now, ladies and gentlemen … your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“If you look carefully at Zig’s triangle, it’s clear he’s wearing a thong. He is taking baby steps towards pants-wearing — sexy, tiny baby steps.” –Crankenstank

And the runners up! Very funny!

“I remember when I first laid eyes on her. I had been traveling with the Ringling Brothers Side Show as the World’s Most Boring College Student to make a few bucks. The previous Woman with the World’s Longest Neck had just met an untimely and somewhat grisly end in what would become known throughout the circus world as the Ceiling Fan Incident of 1973. Try as we might, we could never make it work. When it ended I actually thought about taking my own life. Sometimes even now I think back and get despondent. But then, I pick myself up, look around and see that I am with you Dawn, here at Charterstone and realize that suicide would just be redundant.” –Uncle Ritzy Fritz

“Is it just me, or is Wilbur actually attempting to retreat into his sweater as if it were a shell?” –Dragon of Life

“OK, I caught the anachronistic phone, desk lamp, and semi-anachronistic file cabinets, but somehow I totally missed that the desk has no computer! This is like a game, really. ‘Spot the 6 differences between this panel and the present.’ Can I count the haircut?” –MaryAnnTheRest

“The presence of the suit can only mean that this ‘Tim Moore’ fellow has a puppy to give away.” –Drew Funk

“I find myself tickled when strip pretends we care about anything than Mark punching things, especially make-believe things like Mark’s popularity.” –Josharella

“I’m curious just how lax the traffic officers or insane the drivers are in order for a pile-up, multiple cars full of commuters slamming end-on-end in one huge orgy of terror and steel, to occur in what sounds like an intersection downtown, where in most cities its impossible to crawl through at 20 miles an hour on a good day. Or why the carpoolers care, as they are currently miles away on a nearly abandoned suburb road heading away from the city. It can’t be because they give a damn about the heartbreak and loss of life. These are the same people who regularly watch goofy-hair there regularly collide with his postman, and presumably laugh and laugh.” –Taquelli

“Is the angle and placement of Leroy’s fork indicative that this encounter is a prelude to another angry session of Lockhorn lovemaking, with Loretta marching off to the bedroom part of the foreplay? Or is sometimes a fork just a fork?” –R and CT

“I just don’t want to share you with anyone else, which is why I’ve taken a firm hold of your face with my teeth.” –TruthOfAngels

“I’m enjoying an audio fantasy of what those 20 words of Mark Trail-ian dialogue sound like through those grimly mashed lips: ‘Iwowaneyemwowwy, wubiswubahdoo!’ ‘Awuswonwannashwahoowihannywonelsh!'” –Mighty Max King

“Well, of course, Wilbur’s schedule for the remainder of this week is completely booked with sandwich + computer + lustful nostalgic daydreaming. Next week is the earliest possible available time for fishing.” –Fountain Mountain Dew

“No, I hate both of you. I mean, ‘fishing.'” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“It’s as if, by pointing to his own eye, Odie hopes to say, ‘Guess what’s even less subtle than winking.'” –JohnsonDelegate

“Is the wife even in a dressing room? The shocked look on that plugger’s face makes me think it is a very, very public place, or that she has mistaken the sitting area near the dressing room as the dressing room. ‘Hurry … Please! The Mall Security is coming!'” –Jackuul

“Oh, come now, we all know lady pluggers don’t have their own credit cards! That’s why Mr. Plugger has to be there, to pay for whatever his wife decides to purchase (with a heavy sigh and a comical roll of the eyes toward heaven, no doubt). There’s nothing in that purse but crumpled-up tissues, a lipstick and a compact, and the latest issue of Women’s Day.” –Mollie

“And let’s not forget the General’s red, irritated, inflamed anus.” –Calico

“I think it says something profound about comics that crazy Bobbie from A3G is holding up a whole page full of swatches of colors and they’re all the exact same shade of yellow.” –Andy L

“You can learn a lot about a man based on the hat he chooses to wear fishing. However, in Kurt’s case, the bridesmaid white pumps tell me that all is not right here.” –Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™

“The desert in Crock is bright yellow because it’s pure sulfur, as they are in Hell.” –DeGroot of All Evil

“I swear to God, if Kurt’s next line is something about how sometimes he doesn’t feel ‘fresh,’ I’m punching this strip in the face.” –Ringo Beaumont III

“‘An uneasy restlessness’ = ‘No matter how well I hide the bodies, someone eventually finds them.'” –TheDiva

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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