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Mary Worth, 7/28/09

Oh, for … are you telling me that Delilah isn’t even going to be allowed to enjoy some revenge flirting, never mind revenge sex, before having her nose rubbed in the festering singularity of human degradation that’s at Charley’s core, obscured by his smooth moves and his chest hair and his stripey shirt? Delilah is clearly not used to seeing the female form in anything less than a jumpsuit (she turns the lights off when she showers, obviously) and has been brought to the brink of vomiting by whatever piece of specialized artwork Charley has hanging in his foyer. This masterpiece is kind of hard to see, but let’s zoom in for a closer look:

My God, it appears to be a female human wearing a one-piece bathing suit! Do you expect us to believe that depraved monsters walk among us who actually collect “that sort of thing”? What do we pay taxes for if not to ensure that these sex-demons are rounded up, chemically castrated, and interned behind barbed wire in pervert camps out in Montana somewhere? Won’t somebody think of the children?

Oh yeah, the children! Charley can hang up repulsive cheesecake shots (and, worse, decadent modern art like the painting in panel two) because his love pad is a no-kids zone, which obviously makes him an inhuman devil-thing! Remember, kids are for “other people” — specifically, people who don’t live in an all-adult condo community like Charterstone, where children are specifically forbidden in rules laid down by the board. Hmm, you know, there’s another character in this strip who was married but apparently lives a childfree lifestyle … doesn’t seem the worse for it … older lady … doesn’t have her character assassinated … can’t quite place her …

Wait, I’m s sorry, I was letting my mind drift from the core message of this strip, which that Charley is a child-hating sex criminal with terrible taste in art, and that Delilah will soon enough be running away from his wall-mounted centerfolds and back to her lonely, empty apartment, where at least her virginal eyes are shielded from such horror. Let’s take another look at that painting so we can condemn it further, shall we?

You know, now that I’m looking at it again, it seems that the lampshade is almost the exact same flesh tone as the model in Charley’s awful picture. Maybe that’s what’s got Delilah so worked up — it’s part of Charley’s “ladies I have skinned” collection. “Kids are for other people, Delilah! Sure, there are kid specialists, but there just isn’t enough raw material in your average child to make a nice lamp or even a book binding. Frankly, I don’t have the patience to capture enough to meet my needs!”

Gil Thorp, 7/28/09

Hey, Gil Thorp, you know how excited I was when I realized you’d be bringing back beloved characters from the past? Well, I’d appreciate it if they weren’t from before December of 2004, when I started reading this strip. Fortunately, faithful reader dannymo has the story, which, in a nutshell, is that Marty DeJong led Milford’s baseball team to the last championship anyone can remember, but ruined his arm in the process, leading him angry and brooding and hungry for fiery revenge against Coach Thorp. I predict Gil will somehow get him to coach the hobo little league, completely displacing Ted Pearse, who will respond by burning Gil’s house to the ground.

Marmaduke, 7/28/09

I’m a little concerned about precisely what vaguely spherical head-sized object Mrs. Hitler has in that sack; I worry that it is, in fact, a severed human head, and this is part of some plan of hers to teach her unruly dog a modicum of manners. “Look, he’s got to understand that human heads are not toys! It’s the only way he’ll learn!”

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Apartment 3-G, 7/15/09

CONFUSING TIMES IN APARTMENT 3-G! It seems that Tim Mills, brother to Margo’s touch piece/maybe future fiance Eric Mills, is the American whom the Dalai Lama has trotted out in this Dharamsala press conference/dog-and-pony show. Last we saw of Eric, he was leading a younger lama to freedom over the Himalayas. Where is Eric now? Who is shouting “TIM” with three exclamation points of loudness off-panel? And, crucially, what is it that has blown Margo’s mind so completely and utterly? Surely it can’t be Tim’s rescue, or even his reunion with his wife, who is no doubt the “TIM!!!”-shouter, as those people are not Margo, nor people from whom Margo wants something. My guess is she has spotted some gorgeous trinkets on sale in a local market stall, which she intends to buy in bulk on her father’s credit card and resell back in New York at a healthy markup.

Spider-Man, 7/15/09

Meanwhile, Wolverine snuck backstage after Mary Jane’s terrible play to attempt to mack on her, then backed off as soon as Peter Parker showed up in his bad-ass leather jacket. Now, after some showy poor-lonely-me-ing, it appears he’s at least going to get a three-way out of it; his look of self-loathing in the final panel shows that he never really expected this maneuver to work, and now isn’t sure if he can go through with it. Was this how X-Men Origins: Wolverine went? Because I’m beginning to see why it didn’t meet ticket sales expectations.

Blondie, 7/15/09

Oh, Blondie, when you’ve been married to someone for 72 years or whatever, you no longer have to say ludicrous self-esteem-boosting things that neither you nor your partner believe to have a shred of a basis in reality, such as your proposal that Dagwood might have “a shot at being a V.P. some day.” Driving an car shaped like an enormous phallus and shilling for nitrate-lousy grade F meat is pretty much the apex of what dignity he’s capable of achieving, so why not let him run with his dream?

Family Circus, 7/15/09

Out of curiosity, legally speaking, what age is the boundary between “cute li’l tyke running around naked” and “pervert who can be arrested for indecent exposure”? Can we lower it to whatever age Jeffy is supposed to be, retroactively?

Marmaduke, 7/15/09

Oh, look, a “topical” reference to the water landing of US Airways flight 1549, a mere six months after the fact! Of course, no lives were lost in that miraculous incident; I doubt we’ll be able to say the same for the aftermath of Marmaduke’s splashdown into this pool full of delicious children.

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OK, folks, this is something I’ve done every once in a while, but it’s been a while, so I might as well do it again! Have you ever read this site and thought to yourself, “The gentleman who writes this, he is clever and talented! I wonder if he would be willing to generate humorous material for my own enterprise, in exchange for money?” Well, the answer is: probably! Send me email at bio at jfruh dot com and I’m sure we can come to an equitable arrangement! (This note is going out to all readers but especially you kids at the Onion AV Club … yes, I have noticed your flirting with the very nice links; let’s talk, shall we?)

But perhaps you just read that previous paragraph and thought, “Oh, darn it, I have no budget for humorists! Worse still, I have this technical material that needs a good editing, and am eager to find someone to do so on a freelance basis!” Well, here too I am your man. Read my resume to see if we’ll be a good fit! (Hint: We will be.)

With that bit of self-promotion out of the way, I now have an item or two before we get all COTWy. First comes this pic, sent from faithful reader Doug, who notes that “Marmaduke has gone beyond middle America to ensnare hotel residents in York, England”:

I find it particularly funny that this used to be a four-star hotel but has since been demoted. Jeez, a few dozen guests get devoured in their beds and the ratings people really come down hard on you.

Also of potential interest is this collection of cartoon titles rendered as death metal logos, because why not. Thanks to faithful reader Black Dracula for the tip.

And now, your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Wolverine is going to watch a Broadway show instead of getting plastered in Hell’s Kitchen and clawing up some gang members. Note to Spider-Man writers: He’s not actually Hugh Jackman.” –150

And the hilarious runners-up!

“MW: The Rodgers and Hammerstein line makes sense if you note the sarcastic grin on Mary’s face plus the way she’s gesturing to the two slices of white bread.” –Peter Hillock

“Crankshaft’s All-American Burger Marinade: One package of Beano, mixed in a half-pint of the tears of frustration from family members who have to endure you. Add 1/2 cup of vinegar, a vat of bile, a quart of bitters, and a cup of sour milk. Stir well, then dump the whole thing all over everyone’s hopes for just one family holiday that isn’t ruined by your angry, soul-crushing hatefulness.” –Bob Loblaw

“What in the name of all that is holy is that thing clinging to the top of Martin Magee’s head? By no universally accepted definition could it even come close to being called ‘hair’. I suggested a wad of hot buttered yak wool, but perhaps a live weasel or a dead polecat is glued to his bald pate. Maybe his toupee is cut from a bathroom shag carpet, or faux fur, created from the upholstery of an abandoned ’79 Camero low rider. Whatever it is, I’m amazed Margo hasn’t pulled it off his head in a fit of pique and shame. The only ugly Margo tolerates is her own diva fits.” –Islamorada Girl

“Marvin should be used in sex ed classes across the US.” –Carly

“Somewhere exactly between 9 Chickweed Lane and Luann is a set of comic characters with a healthy sex life.” –Mibbitmaker

“Mary Worth for some reason is resorting to Brooklyn Italian Hand Signals. Her hand is clearly referring to the heft of Delilah’s husband’s testicles: ‘What about THIS? If all else fails, what about THIS?'” –Jimmy

“From lumpy schlub to Duran Duran member in three days. How does your ‘theory’ of evolution explain that, huh?” –Chyron HR

“I like to think of those three speech balloons in the last Mark Trail panel as three unrelated statements from three different people in three separate buildings, a snapshot of the mundane moment right before Squirrelmageddon descended.” –Steve S

“The past few days of MW have sent me to the Internets twice in a desperate effort to find a good descriptor for the dialogue. I haven’t succeeded. What I want is a pungent adjective that means ‘stilted and also insane.'” –Poteet

“Billy has obviously either invented an invisible chair, or he’s doing some sort of complicated glute exercise, either of which is more productive than carrying a newspaper around and gesturing vaguely.” –imjaredlookout

“‘Sorry if we insulted just your intelligence.’ Really? That’s it? Damn. I was hoping more for a Lynn Johnson-esque ‘And so, Ed was taken home to his maker by the M-80 — not immediately, of course, but after months of painful operations, skin grafts, and experimental treatments. Pam and Jeff continued to find unhappiness in every minuscule and trivial aspect of life; Max eventually took up smoking at the age of 63; Mindy realized her dream as a pole-dancing librarian during her sophomore year at Kent State. Thanks so much to my readers — it has been an honor to bring slow, unrelenting death and suffering to your breakfast table for the past years. Beginning next week, I will re-draw the entire strip from start to finish with updated suffering scenarios reflecting the current knowledge base of horrible, horrible diseases.'” –blammers66

“I can think of about 30 daily comics that should always end with the line, ‘Sorry if we just insulted your intelligence.'” –survivor

“With Wolverine’s enhanced senses he should be able to tell Spider-Man is really Peter Parker by his scent. That is, if Wolverine has ever met Peter. Maybe Spiderman is worried that Wolverine will pick up his scent on MJ. ‘Sniff, sniff. Say, that actress smells of TV Guide and anxiety! Maybe she’s married to Spider-Man!'” –The Great Kazoo

“Waitaminute — Nora was married to Tim, and now her new boyfriend is named Tom? Do Shulock and Bolle think that the fact that all the guys look alike isn’t confusing enough on its own?” –AirForbes

“Mrs. Wilson looks awfully sly there. If she just pinned the blame for her fecal incontinence on Dennis, my respect for her now reaches almost as high as my suicidal tendencies due to thinking of this.” –Dragon of Life

“As usual, we can feel sorriest for PJ; carrying a miniature American flag the day after July 4 suggests that he is turning to patriotism as a substitute for the love his bullying, violent family won’t give him. At least he’ll have a weapon with which to defend himself against the ant attacks.” –Jaime Weinman

“Peter Parker is obviously off his nut, asking for double the fee for his photos while J. Jonah Jameson and Robbie have to share a single chair.” –Patrick

“J. Jonah Jameson is totally getting ripped off — by the time those double-priced still photos appear in his old-time newsy-paper, a high-def video of the entire fight will have been running on TMZ for more than a day. (For that matter, Doctor Octopus was probably live-tweeting the whole thing with one of his free arms.)” –BigTed

“Woo, Gil Thorp on Twitter! Hold onto your hats, folks, ’cause the #sexting hash tag just got a whole lot less interesting.” –Rachel K

“I remember when I first read a soap opera strip and asked myself ‘What, are they taking out the interesting parts on purpose?’ And now, today, Judge Parker comes and says once and for all that ‘Yes. Yes we are.'” –Black Drazon

“Cherry is going to a PTA meeting? We all know that Rusty is an autodidact in the School of Dumb Choices and Duck Photography.’ –buckyswife

“I have to say I find it strange that Gil Thorp, the strip that never introduced a character too peripheral to have a first and last name, uniform number, on-field position, and batting average, opts to leave out all the nonessential consonants in the word ‘knock.’ I suppose they just ran out of room, what with Gil’s monstrous paws and all.” –Mollie

“What I deduced from today’s fashion faux pas is that Mary’s powers, like those of the Green Lantern, are driven by her willpower and are ineffective against the colour yellow.” –Jilliterate

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