Post Content

Dick Tracy, 1/23/24

I think it’s sweet that these two ladies keep a poster of their deceased corpse-guy (he was a corpse-guy before he was deceased, to be clear) mentor/lover(?) around. Still, I don’t know how he’d feel about having extremely generic aphorisms attributed to him in response to extremely specific situations like “I accidentally poisoned the wrong person but I need to continue to earn my living as a stage magician.”

Marvin, 1/23/24

The funny thing here is that we definitely know that Marvin didn’t buy that “I [heart] daddy” mug; probably it was Jenny, in a desperate attempt to convince her husband that their child is worthy of human affection. Anyway, she’s wrong, he isn’t, and Jeff is right to take this free vacation and Jenny should go with him. Honestly they should change their names and never come back!

Blondie, 1/23/24

A pretty good sign, I feel, that I’ve lived my life right is that when a photo goes viral of a guy at a Detroit Lions game eating a comically large sandwich, multiple people send it to me with some variation of “OMG it’s Dagwood!” Anyway, I’m pretty sure Dr. Austin kept saying “oh my” has he brought increasingly advanced instruments to bear on Dagwood’s torso, which all readings indicate isn’t full of guts like a normal human’s but just an endless, insatiable ~v o i d~

Post Content

Mary Worth, 12/17/23

Many years ago, something or some collection of things I said on this site convinced some readers that I was a vegetarian, which anyone who knows me in real life would find very, very funny, given that my diet is mostly predicated on the fact that vegetables are, in my scientific opinion, “yucky.” That said, my wife’s a vegetarian and I generally find cooking with meat kind of a pain anyway, so I do often make use of various meat substitutes, and honestly they’re fine? Like the Morningstar Farms fake fried chicken patties and nuggets aren’t “chicken” per se but are serviceably salty protein delivery mechanisms; and fake beef technology has really improved over the years, with stuff like Beyond and Impossible ground “beef” being … well, distinguishable from the real thing, probably, but also greasy (in a good way) and pretty tasty. They certainly wouldn’t result in even the most hardened carnivore reacting in the kind of disgust Keith is displaying here, unless you’ve talked yourself into hating it in advance.

That said, nothing in those types of burgers could be described as “Soylent,” which is actually the brand name of a vile nutritive slurry invented by a tech guy who hated food and almost certainly had some kind of eating disorder, and which was supposed to substitute for eating altogether. I don’t want to say that this is the first indication that Mary Worth may not have a good handle on what left-wing radicals are actually like, but I will say that Soylent, while technically vegan, had more appeal to people in libertarian tech spaces who wanted to spend all day coding for their startup without pausing to cook or even chew, rather than people who actually strongly identify as vegan. Anyway, Soylent’s heyday seems to have passed, and one of the things it was most famous for was wreaking havoc on your digestive system, so if that really is a Soylent burger, Keith has that to look forward to, I guess.

Marvin, 12/17/23

Obviously the worst part of Marvin is all the piss and shit jokes. But the jokes about the romantic lives of babies? Let’s be real: they’re not great either.

Post Content

Marvin, 12/7/23

Man, if you’re embarrassed about people (and dogs?) seeing the picture of you in the hat why are you … wearing the hat outside where all these other dogs can see you? I feel like this week’s Marvin is really getting into something very heady about the sign and the signified and I am not high enough to follow it.

Shoe, 12/7/23

I appreciate the fact that today’s Shoe goes out of its way to make sure we know these guys are drinking and emotionally opening up to one another right next to the bathroom. Not sure if we’re supposed to think of them as old dudes with bladder control problems or birds with cloacae, but either way they conveniently have only a few steps to cover when nature calls.

Blondie, 12/7/23

Dagwood isn’t upset that Elmo used the newfangled word “influencer”; it’s just that he can’t realistically have been born before about 1969 and is very mad Elmo thinks Bob Hope and Bing Crosby are from “his day”.