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Six Chix, 3/21/14

Comic Sans: Origins

I always knew it went something like this. The grinning, disfigured jester, seducing his unsuspecting queen into forcing her court monks to create a new font, an abomination whose every blasphemous curve traces the foul arc of Baphomet’s own horn. The trembling monk, sighing “Yes, Majesty” as he struggles to ignore far-off laughter and the whiff of sulfur rising from his quill where it scratches the parchment.

B.C., 3/21/14

The original joke, “I don’t need to outrun him, I just need to outrun you” is at least as old as the human race, which, if you read Genesis 1:31 literally, is just six days less than the age of the universe. The implication is that if dinosaurs existed at all, they must have coexisted with humans — though not for long, if that determined-looking velociraptor has anything to say about it.

Marvin, 3/21/14

Wow, Marvin’s callous abuse of his family is even more repulsive viewed through the lens of post-Edwardian British class structures. And you can bet Team Marvin is right now putting the finishing touches on their next miniseries, Slavemaster Marvin: a Tale of the Old South.

Pluggers, 3/21/14

Pluggers are beyond shame, and no longer even try to hide their depravity. Please, if you know the first thirteen Plugger Theories, in the name of everything holy keep them to yourself.

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P.S. Comments of the Week will appear Monday, when Josh gets back.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 3/3/14

Tommy seems to have survived an awkward dinner with Mary and Wilbur and actually come out of the experience with a hint of a smile. Those good feelings end immediately in the next panel, as his mother isn’t even six inches out the door before ditching him to go spend some quality time with Wilbur, who needs to amble around the Charterstone grounds immediately after every meal or else he won’t be able to poop for the next 48 hours. “I’ll see you later, Tommie! Wilbur quit half his job for me, so I guess I’ll let him get to second base. Enjoy hanging out in our condo unit, alone except for your prison-time PTSD and your increasingly fragile sobriety!”

Marvin, 3/3/14

Yes, this is a great plan, Marvin! Just lurk under your bed for the next decade and a half, an increasingly feral presence, nonverbal, and, of course, since this is the cause for the whole drama, covered with your own filth. Sounds like a great life!

Herb and Jamaal, 3/3/14

Herb’s mother-in-law Eula has lived a long, amazing life. Now she yearns for death!

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Marvin, 1/3/14

So when I returned from my Christmastime Journey and caught up on the comics I hadn’t been reading, I didn’t review all the comics. Marvin, for instance. I didn’t catch up on Marvin. Who cared exactly about which poo-stained antics I had missed? I was thus dropped into this midweek running gag without context, and assumed, since there were no other clues, that “Kiddie Coiffe,” a stand of some sort, was meant to be a Starbucks-style operation, with “coiffe” a whimsical misspelling for coffee. And even if I had known that this was coiffe as in coiffure, I would have supposed it was a li’l play hair salon or barber shop? But nope, they’re selling hair. Human hair, dog hair, you name it. Not enough to make a wig out of, mind you, just weird little patches, if the chunk taken out of Bitsy’s pelt is any indication. Haha, baby hair sales! Ha! So, congrats, Marvin: you’ve brought me to a place of profound discomfort that has me actively wishing for a return to poop jokes.

Dennis the Menace, 1/3/14

“Look dad, I know you don’t love me, and I don’t particularly want you to try, but I am going to make you tacitly admit it so that I can get what I want.” Oh man, Dennis’s menacing game is on point for 2014.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/3/14

“Haw haw, just kiddin’, Mama Smif! When I say ‘risky,’ I meant that givin’ birf in Hootin’ Holler is takin’ yer life in yer own hands, what with our hamlet’s poor sanitation and substandard med’cal care!”