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Marvin, 12/17/11

I have to admit that I’ve always been a little intrigued by the fact that dogs have amazing intraspecies size variations, and I’ve always kind of wondered what this means for their sex lives. I don’t really like being forced to confront the notion visually in the comics, though. Given the extent to which Junior’s new love interest towers over him, her studded leather collar and the black hearts floating over her head seem disturbingly significant.

Mark Trail, 12/17/11

Ha ha, Kelly, Honey the bear took you to the Parents McQueens’ underground bear-sex lair! This will make a good story for some magazine, though perhaps not the one Kelly intended to sell it to. She can explain what “gold mining” is a euphemism for.

Phantom, 12/17/11

Meanwhile, the Phantom is sending Ernesto’s wife into an epistemological crisis. “Believe nothing? Not even the evidence of my own senses?”

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Marmaduke, 12/9/11

I don’t think the Marmaduke creative team has ever seen a vegetarian before, or at least they haven’t bothered to come up with some kind of visual shorthand to differentiate vegetarians from one of the run-of-the-mill miscellaneous middle-aged humans flummoxed by Marmaduke. Marmaduke’s mind is boggling anyway, presumably at the concept that any living being can feed without something dying in agony.

Apartment 3-G, 12/9/11

“It’s just that … Paul’s a creepy, controlling weirdo, and he deserves a passive, empty-headed wife who will do whatever he says and not be unsettled by his demands. I thought I could be that wife! But it turns out that sometimes I have opinions.”

Marvin, 12/9/11

Oh, man, cat, you do not want to get into a shitting contest with Marvin. You’re going to regret the day you ever learned to poop in a box, my friend.

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The Lockhorns, 11/28/11

My goodness but this is a delightful Lockhorns! I’m not entirely sure what’s supposed to be happening here, but since Leroy is in his pajamas and looks miserable and ill, while Loretta is already up and about and dressed and carrying something indistinguishably horizontal, I’m going to guess that he’s been staring at that mirror for hours now, trying to decide whether or not to follow through on his drunken boast from last night that he was going to kill himself. “Let me know how it ends!” Loretta says cheerfully, fully aware that if he doesn’t have the courage to end his awful, soul-crushing marriage, he certainly doesn’t have the guts to finish himself off.

Gil Thorp, 11/28/11

Way back in the mists of times, Gil Thorp plots ended in wacky hijinks and weird psychological ploys, but apparently someone decided that this wasn’t realistic enough, so now Gil solves his problems like a real high school football coach would: by ignoring them until it becomes clear that they won’t go away, and then yelling at people. Last year’s great budget cut debacle concluded when Gil showed up at a school board meeting and dragged his enemy’s private life into public scrutiny; now he’s just straight up humiliating the president of the team booster club in front of his buddies. Presumably everyone else will literally fall in behind Gil, now that the true alpha male has been identified.

Archie, 11/28/11

In this Archie rerun from the mid-1990s, Ms. Grundy worries about the teenage pregnancy epidemic (not that we’ve ever seen a pregnant teenager in Archie, but I guess she has a TV set). Well, don’t fret, long-ago Ms. Grundy! Over the next decade and a half, teen birth rates will plummet, eventually hitting their lowest point since the 1940s. Teens continue to not use pins as tokens of affection, though, if you still want something to complain about the kids today.

Marvin, 11/28/11

Obviously — obviously — Marvin’s sudden Internet fame involves time spent on the toilet.