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Funky Winkerbean, 11/22/11

So, for those of you who haven’t been following Funky Winkerbean’s latest doom-ridden plot: Westview residents voted down the school levy, probably because it’s cruel to give children just enough intellectual tools to understand how bleak and meaningless their lives are; why not leave them the bliss of ignorance, since no other kind of bliss is available? Anyway, as a result, all the sports programs were shut down … but now Funky has a plan to sneakily get the local businesses and townsfolk to tax themselves to pay for the programs, via gambling. Surely this ad hoc town-wide raffle will rather quickly evolve into a massive casino with slots and table games, all presided over by Funky, Westview’s chief capitalist. But don’t worry about him gloating too much over his good fortune! He promises to look as detached and benumbed as he rakes in the ill-gotten cash as he does in panel three, where he coldly snuffs out any hint of enthusiasm that might enter his field of vision.

Marvin, 11/22/11

“Ha ha! No, but seriously, I’m an artist and I don’t have any money to buy food. I like to come down to the mall because I can steal Horsey Sauce packets from the Arby’s in the food court!”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/23/11

Ha ha, if you aren’t made profoundly uncomfortable by the preternaturally intelligent Morgan-child declaring her intention to make a teen boy her love slave, then you probably are a much better person than I am, and yet here we are! Anyway, I’d like to believe that I’d have an easier time viewing this strip innocently if (a) it weren’t clear that June is focused on keeping Niki’s lovin’ for herself and (b) panel five didn’t make Sarah’s collagen injections so obvious.

Marvin, 10/23/11

Ha ha, well known drug/sex addict Lindsay Lohan has shown up in Marvin, in toddler form! This is actually good, for two reasons: first, Lindsay has not to the best of my knowledge crapped in her pants in public lately, so her appearance here can only elevate this strip’s level of humor; and, more importantly, she has in the past sued people who have come up with thinly veiled baby versions of herself, which means that maybe Marvin will be bankrupted by legal fees.

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Marvin, 9/28/11

If there’s one thing Marvin likes, it’s poop jokes. But if there are two things Marvin likes, they’re poop jokes and strips based on a theme where you can do a whole series of them that re-use a lot of the same art. I’m assuming we’ll be treated to several more days of Marvin’s Baby Definitions (ha ha, it’s funny that baby is making up his own definition of words, because he’s sassy, and also because in real life babies’ brains are incapable of abstract verbal thought!), all of which will be accompanied by drawings as nonspecific as this. Yes, that Marvin sure is giving the evil eye to his babysitters, or his parents, or maybe one babysitter and one parent, who the hell knows. Is the person on the left supposed to be a teenager, because they’re wearing baggy pants, because of the rap music? Argh, I’m trying to figure out who a Marvin character is supposed to be, let me stop now before I lose my capacity for joy permanently.

UPDATE: Oh God a “baby sitter” is actually a potty-training device and Marvin’s parents are staring at him while he tries to poop on command in the middle of the living room YUCK YUCK YUCK. Thanks a lot, faithful reader Chareth Cutestory, for pointing out that all Marvin strips are about pooping, even the ones that don’t seem to be about pooping at first.

Ziggy, 9/28/11

Speaking of poop jokes, one of Ziggy’s poops is quoting Star Trek at him! Or maybe a character from Star Trek has beamed into his toilet? Or maybe he’s undergoing some kind of psychotic break. That seems more likely.