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Marvin, 1/17/22

Man, say what you will about Marvins where the joke is about pooping or peeing, but at least I have some grip on what’s happening in those (Marvin is pooping or peeing, and it’s disgusting). This one, I … am a little lost on? Like technically there are a near-infinite number of vacations you could label a “no skiing” vacation, but I guess that’s supposed to be where you go to a ski lodge but don’t ski, and just drink hot cocoa by the fire instead? But also, did Jeff just forget about this long-planned vacation coming up, because I feel like Jenny shouldn’t have such a sunny smile in panel two if he did. It’s weird! It’s not totally insane or anything, but the whole thing’s a little bit off! That’s why I propose an alternate interpretation: Jenny has set aside the coming weekend for her and Jeff to finally kick the cocaine habit, and Jeff’s not super jazzed about it.

Mary Worth, 1/17/22

Oh, hey, so, uh, in other news, Wilbur is alive, everybody! Wilbur … is alive? Somehow? Did we ever establish where this cruise was happening? Because if it was a west coast cruise, it’s not like there are tons of islets within drunken floating distance of the cruise lanes. That’s why I’m hoping that Wilbur has actually reached one of the upper levels of hell for comic characters, which is that you have to be the hilariously disheveled guy on a tiny desert island with two palm trees in a New Yorker cartoon. Or, better, that’s his corpse, and for the rest of the week we get to watch crabs eat it.

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Mary Worth, 1/9/22

Oh, hey, so, uh, Wilbur died, everybody! Wilbur … died? I mean, maybe he didn’t die, I have a hard time believing they’re killing off Wilbur, but, uh, probably in real life, this would result in his death, right? You might recall that back in 2012 Wilbur already stared death in the face from the deck of a cruise ship, and later declared, correctly, that he shouldn’t be alive, so it’s possible that for the entire last decade every last one of us has been living through his Final Destination scenario, which would explain [gestures around vaguely] a LOT. Anyway, I guess his gradual shift from “Charterstone’s lovable loser” to “the least pleasant person you’ve ever met or even heard of” over the past few years was meant to prepare us for this moment, and while it may be premature to write him off just yet, I’m still starting a GoFundMe to pay Sir Elton John to do an updated version of “Candle In The Wind” for our boy.

Marvin, 1/9/22

In other death and dying news, Jenny has left her awful son out alone in the yard to freeze to death and is planning to flee to the tropics and start a new life, a plan her husband is being remarkably dense about.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/9/22

I guess nobody is going to die in Rex Mogan, M.D., but if Rene successfully sues the Morgans into oblivion for actual intellectual property theft, Rex might have to start living like a common poor person and that’d be worse than death, right?

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Marvin, 1/8/22

I know what you’re thinking: How could Jeff possibly be this theatrically disgusted by his dog’s poop, when we know (we know because it’s literally the topic of like 75% of all Marvin strips) that he has to constantly deal with his son’s noxious poop-filled diapers? Shouldn’t he be inured to these odors at this point? The only possibility explanation is that in fact Bitsy has, through horrible gastronomy or forbidden science, worked to create a turd even more disgusting than the ones output by Marvin. Yes, that’s right, everyone: it’s a poop-off. How will Marvin respond? Extremely unpleasantly, one has to imagine.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/8/22

I guess it’s not a surprise that Snuffy lives in a ramshackle compound surrounded by barbed wire? But I have my doubts about how truly effective this fortification is. If I were leading a band of Barlows attempting to breach the perimeter, I would simply attack at the weakest point, the gossip fence.