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Mary Worth, 4/11/24

Uh, what’s that? We sent Wilbur on a solo karaoke journey where he sang Celine Dion and you felt nothing? Well, what if we, uh [sweating profusely at the thought that the Wilbur Weston narrative gold mine might finally be tapped out], what if we had him run into his ex, and she’s just like, festooned with pets, including the cat he lost a piss fight to and the dog that just wasn’t that into him? What about now, huh? Does that do it for you? Does Wilbur’s tight little smile as he dies inside give you that little hit of dopamine you crave?

Dick Tracy, 4/11/24

Man, Blowtop, if I were you I would’ve kept quiet about the fact that you’ve been robbing banks (since that’s illegal) and freely offered any information you had about Croptop’s release date (since that’s information that a police officer could easily obtain from the prison system anyway). Not my business I realize but that’s just my suggestion!

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Dick Tracy, 4/8/24

In a lot of ways, it has to be a real pain in the ass to be a criminal in the Dick Tracy universe — like, you have to have some kind of gimmick, and if someone in your family has already established a gimmick, you have to try to riff on it, even if the result is incredibly labored. What if this lady doesn’t even like crop-tops? What if she dreams of wearing comfortable, loose-fitting blouses, but instead she has to do business with her belly showing, and then feels obligated to stick to a rigorous diet and workout regimen to keep her abs shapely and wear a navel ring to draw attention to it to boot? On the other hand, in other ways it’s actually pretty easy to be a criminal in the Dick Tracy universe — like, you can just walk into a bar and say “Hey, I’m doing some crimes, anyone else want to do crimes with me?” and a lot of people will cheerfully sign up.

Judge Parker, 4/8/24

Wow, big news, everybody! Randy is sick of this same story happening over and over and over again, so he’s shutting down the Judge Parker newspaper strip. RIP Judge Parker, 1952-2024, you taught me it was OK to be weird, but not in, like, an interesting way.

Mary Worth, 4/8/24

HE’S NOT LADY, HE VERY MUCH IS NOT, PLEASE DO NOT ENCOURAGE AND/OR HAVE SEX WITH HIM

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Beetle Bailey, 4/6/24

I’m sorry, Sarge doesn’t know any “raunchy” songs. He may be a brute who spends his days preparing men for the horrors of war by delivering arbitrary violence upon them, but in many ways he seems quite naive. He definitely doesn’t know what sex is, for instance.

Mary Worth, 4/6/24

Look, man, we all enjoyed Wilbur’s total karaoke emotional meltdown from last April and his public karaoke-off with his ex the previous November, but I feel like this is going to the well one too many times. I’m over it! I’m going to try to get over how positively delighted Mary looks at the thought of Wilbur “pulling in” hapless “ladies” for unsatisfying sex and even less satisfying relationship behavior, but that’s going to take some time.

Gil Thorp, 4/6/24

As someone who relies on the syndicated newspaper strip Gil Thorp to discover what the teens are into, I’m excited to learn that what they’re into is beloved Gen X indie rocker Aimee Mann, and what they want to hear from her is “Red Vines,” the single from her 2000 album Bachelor No. 2. Naturally, being a 49-year-old man who thought of himself as vaguely hip 24 years ago, I find this news satisfying and will be doing no further research on the subject of teen musical tastes in the year 2024.