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Mark Trail, 5/19/17

Oh, hey, what’s up with Mark’s whole kidnap situation? Well, he and the bald kidnapper and the blonde kidnappee arrived at Johnny Lone Elk’s log cabin on the reservation, and Mark has been forced to give some weird story about how these total strangers are his new “camera crew,” and all the Lone Elk clan can do about it is joke about the bald dude. Ha ha! It’s funny because this lady’s entirely correct suspicions are being dismissed! I admit to being impressed by their casual use of the correct term for a fear of baldness, especially since they all have such amazing hair that surely they harbor no such fear themselves.

Mary Worth, 5/19/17

Oh, man, I guess Derek is just going to rescue Katie from her bathroom prison? And maybe this moment of panic and fear will bring them closer together, rather than driving them apart, as sinister, sensuous Entertainer Esmé hoped? This is seriously disappointing to me. Esmé had better have some more homewrecking plans up her conspicuous lack of sleeves!

Blondie, 5/19/17

Pretty sure “what kind of sandwich?” generated my first character-driven laugh from Blondie in more than a decade, kudos all around!

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Rhymes With Orange, 5/14/17

I was originally puzzled by what appears to be the 17th century New England setting for this panel, but apparently the reputed African origins of the “it takes a village” proverb are a bunch of hooey, so colonial Massachusetts is as likely a place as anywhere else for this joke to play out. Anyway, kid, let me remind you that mouthing off to your elders is an extremely good way to get condemned to death for witchcraft.

Mary Worth, 5/14/17

Today’s Mary Worth just recaps the last few daily strips, so in a sense it doesn’t provide anything new, but in a larger, more important sense, it provides something incredible: this strip, which has featured dubiously sourced quotes from Albert Camus and St. Augustine in the past, now offers us an epigram from Mr. T. God bless this perfect day!

Spider-Man, 5/14/17

OK, Mole-Man, you’ve been dragging out a whole series of “final glimpses” of your beloved, for real. Still, I offer you today’s final panel to enjoy, in which our lovestruck villain clings to the back of a limosine with the relative limosine-clinging power of a mole.

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The Lockhorns, 5/13/17

You know how it works: with worms, you catch a little fish. With a fish, you catch a much, much bigger fish. One big enough to swallow you whole, you and your entire boat, and end your hated life with your hated spouse forever. Look at Leroy’s faraway smile, just thinking about how death, blessed death, will finally come for him, deep in a friendly fish’s warm, snug belly.

Mark Trail, 5/13/17

Oh, hey, uh, are these guys still talking? Apparently! The hairlines are continuing to retreat at a rapid pace. Look at the dude in panel one! He’s just got a hair island left in the middle of his head! For a gruff cop, that is an extremely avant-garde hairstyle.

Mary Worth, 5/13/17

OH MY GOD IT REALLY WAS A TRAP

AND NOW KATIE’S BEEN LEFT TO DIE IN A FILTHY ACTUALLY PRETTY CLEAN HAITIAN BATHROOM

LEAVING ENTERTAINER ESMÉ FREE TO SEDUCE DEREK, AND THEN SMOKE CIGARETTES WITH HIM AFTERWARDS

THIS IS AMAZING