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Mary Worth, 10/2/17

Hey, everybody! Remember when Wilbur left town for a year to go ask intrusive questions to disaster victims, for money, and Iris took it badly and told him they should “consider [them]selves single” while he was away and then she decided to “try new things” with a guy her son’s age, all the while loudly proclaiming to everyone within earshot that she and Wilbur were “on a break,” and yet she couldn’t stop thinking about Wilbur so she dumped Zak and they had a tearful goodbye and then like five minutes later she spotted Zak with some new age-appropriate woman so she sent Wilbur a large-font “u up?” email? Welllp, looks like Wilbur took her claims that they were on a break to heart and has a hot Colombian lover, possibly someone whose mountainside home was destroyed in a mudslide or something, leaving her financially and emotionally bereft and receptive to his doughy charms! Words cannot describe how much I’m looking forward to the next several weeks of total emotional chaos, which I certainly hope involve Iris and a similarly devastated Dawn consoling each other by going down to the Santa Royale boardwalk and getting increasingly drunk and sexually belligerent.

Marvin, 10/2/17

If you need any more proof about the strangeness of comic-strip timescales, imagine if you were a parent of a baby in a universe where the main joke for literally 35 years was about how much he likes to aggressively shit himself, and then you abruptly decide “Yeah, I can teach him to poop in a toilet in, what, a day? How hard can it be?” Anyway, remember how I said that words cannot describe how much I’m looking forward to this week’s Mary Worth,? Well, with Marvin it’s, like, the opposite of that.

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Mary Worth, 9/25/17

Hi everybody, I’m back! Huge thanks to all who contributed to the fundraiser, and huge thanks to Uncle Lumpy for being a hilarious guest blogger as always! (I’m still giggling at “But his contract done restricted his wanderings to the premium content offerings from the Tribune Content Agency, LLC.”)

I’m glad to be back, though, and not least because I got here just in time for Dawn to hit her emotional nadir. We all know that Dawn’s true purpose in the great tapestry of life in Mary Worth’s universe is to be as demonstrably miserable as possible. Whether she’s mope-masturbating to Game of Thrones, or staring forlornly at one of the Renaissance’s most famous dicks while thinking about her ex-boyfriend, or, as in this case, stumbling disheveled out of her apartment after what I assume is a 24-hour long mismatched-sweatsuit-clad crying jag to grab a fistful of carrot muffins and then retreat to the nest of blankets she’s made for herself in the middle of the bathroom floor, Dawn is at her best when she’s at her most pathetic.

Crankshaft, 9/25/17

Oh, man, looks like Crankshaft is in for a tough decision that he’s going to have weigh against his moral code: what will allow him to be more of a dick to more people, siding with labor or management?

Pluggers, 9/25/17

Pluggers know that the opiate of today’s masses flows through electrical wires and broadband pipes, and they’re doing their part to help keep the spigot at full blast!

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Mary Worth, 9/14/17

“Principles, Dawn! Principles! What are we without them? Just a seething mass of lust, abandoning society’s rules and our own moral compass whenever we see a handsome slab of man-meat who presses our buttons? Like, maybe you go to New York and meet a handsome Broadway legend who’s super into you and you entertain the thought for a while but eventually you go home to your drippy boyfriend who you’re never, ever going to marry. Because of principles, OK? You tell your friend that, Dawn. You tell your friend that.”

Beetle Bailey, 9/14/17

I’m not usually one to judge other people’s recreational substance use, but I don’t think the fact that Sarge is huffing paint first thing in the morning is a great sign about how his life is going.