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Archive: Mary Worth

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God has a plan for us, John, that involves me not spending time with you

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Mark Trail, 1/26/16

Oh, hey, I haven’t been keeping you up to date on the non-nature-related soon-to-be-violence-inducing aspects of this bat plot in Mark Trail, but there are a couple of dodgy characters we’ve seen skulking around who are coyotes, not in the sense of Canis latrans, but in the metaphorical sense of criminals who smuggle migrants over the southern U.S. border. Anyway, Carina hasn’t had much to do in this plot yet but I’m happy to see her taking on the role of Person Who Tries And Fails To Deploy Metaphorical Language While Mark And Gabe Natter On About Nature Facts.

Mary Worth, 1/26/16

Sometimes I complain about Mary Worth plots dragging on, but I could literally watch Mary repeatedly shoot down John’s advances for weeks and weeks. “We have to make the most of what we’re given, John, especially when it comes to time spent in my radiance. You’ve been allowed to bathe in that sweet Worthian glow for several weeks of your life, more than billions of other unfortunate souls could ever hope for. Shouldn’t you be spending your time quietly contemplating how fortunate you’ve been?”

Pluggers, 1/26/16

Little bit about me: as I scrolled down the comics page, after I saw this panel but before I got to the caption, I muttered to myself, “Please let Gerald be her husband’s ex-boyfriend, please let Gerald be her husband’s ex-boyfriend.”

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It doesn’t get less menacing than globe-measuring

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Heathcliff, 1/25/16

I’ve lived in Los Angeles for a bit more than a year now, and so far my biggest celebrity sightings have been Sam Rockwell and Paul Dano, which pretty much matches my level, I think? My wife did have an extremely Los Angeles experience once, though, at a restaurant called Cafe Gratitude, which is a crunchy vegan restaurant where all the dishes are named things like “Confident” or “Dynamic” and when your server brings it to you they say “You are … confident.” (or whatever it is you ordered, you get it). Anyway, while dining at this joint Amber overheard the guy at the next table talking, and it turned out he was Kenny Loggins manager and maybe a little braggy about it. Did that guy make enough from licensing his client’s intellectual property to Heathcliff to afford more lunches at that pretentious restaurant? Maybe, maybe not. I frankly don’t think the joke was worth it.

Dennis the Menace, 1/25/16

Ugggh, Dennis, being pedantic about common turns of phrase isn’t so much “menacing” as “extremely tiresome,” and I think less of you for it.

Mary Worth, 1/25/16

Ahahahahha, I will never tire of seeing Mary Worth calmly sexually reject the men inexplicably besotted with her, in the comics! Ironically, of course. I enjoy seeing this happen on an ironic level. Definitely am not aroused by it, not even a little. Please do not capture me and have me studied by a team of expert sexologists.

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Violence trumps sex, once again

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Spider-Man, 1/23/16

NEWSPAPER SPIDER-MAN UPDATE: Spider-Man lost his battle with Namor, just like everyone assumed he would, and Mary Jane, in a last-ditch effort to save his life, agreed to be his undersea wife, which Namor requested way back at the beginning of this storyline and was totally heartbroken about when she said no. Yesterday Namor declined her offer, however, which I think we all assumed was for noble reasons … but noooooOOOOPE, he just wants to straight-up kill the shit out of Spider-Man. Truly he is Earth’s most selfless, and hilarious, ruler.

Mary Worth, 1/23/16

I’ve genuinely given up on trying to figure out where this plot is going to meander off to next. Maybe Olive is going to try to play matchmaker? “Sounds like you have a lot of restraint, Mr. Dill. Speaking of restraints, guess who here enjoys consensual, erotic B&D play?” [winks in Mary’s direction]

Gasoline Alley, 1/23/16

Gasoline Alley has transitioned to a storyline about talking animals fleeing in terror from a raging forest fire, and yet somehow is still about God-damned scrapbooking.