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Dennis the Menace, 1/15/16

Ah, Dennis, never letting any of us forget that every day we’re the oldest we’ve ever been, every day our youth slips further and further behind us, every day is another step in the ceaseless march towards death. A+ menacing, old chum.

Family Circus, 1/15/16

Billy, meanwhile, comes up far short in today’s Towheaded Child Philosophizing In One Panel competition. You run it under water and rub it a little, jackass. Really looking forward to more of your lame-ass comedy stylings tomorrow, when you’ll stand out in the driveway wonder aloud why you park there instead of out on the parkway, it really makes you think.

Mary Worth, 1/15/16

Look, I’ve been doing this for, what, eleven and a half years now, and you know that Mary Worth is my North Star, right? It’s the thing without which this here blog wouldn’t have happened. I know this is an insane comparison, but David Bowie died earlier this week, an event that (and I only realized this the moment I heard about it) I assumed would never come, and it really brought home the fact that all things are ephemeral. We lost Apartment 3-G just a few months ago, so let’s … let’s just enjoy this. Let’s just enjoy a meddling old woman offering to buy a shiny new watch for a girl who has psychic powers in her tummy brain, and the little girl being so excited because, you know, Macy’s! What little girl doesn’t dream of someday owning one of the many fine timepieces Macy’s sells? Let’s just drink it in. We’re not going to have it forever.

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Mary Worth, 1/11/16

A good way to tell the difference between an actual human child and one or more small alien beings using a human-shaped meatsack as a disguise is the way they talk. For instance, do they start a sentence with the phrase “Being a kid” and end it with “window shopping”? Then they probably aren’t actually a kid. Anyway, it’s nice to see that Mary is going to reward Olive (or GleepGlorp 7, whoever) for giving a dollar to a homeless guy with an extravagant spending spree at New York’s finest, dowdiest boutiques.

Spider-Man, 1/11/16

Usually Newspaper Spider-Man is the dumbest guy in any given situation, but let’s give a shout-out to Namor, who has abandoned his plan to win his war against the surface dwellers by destroying New York with a nigh-unstoppable flying submarine, and instead will just be fighting a one-man battle against Spider-Man, which seems like a slightly less viable long-term strategy for conquest. In his favor, literally everyone assumes Spider-Man will lose.

Dick Tracy, 1/11/16

Ok, I know cute on-the-nose names are very much the core of Dick Tracy’s #brand, but “Spicy Condiment” is a bridge too God-damned far, my friends. How does it even relate to her character design? With her gleaming teeth, shouldn’t she be named “Minty Fresh” or something? This bothers me so much.

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Mary Worth, 1/6/15

Oh man, just when I thought that this Mary Worth storyline was petering out into dullness, Mary has decided to take her new protege under her wing and interrogate a homeless man! Has he really retained his faith through all his hardship? Or has he only written that on his sign because he discovered it made people more likely to give him money (that he desperately needs to survive)? And even if he does still retain his faith, what kind of faith are we talking about here? A faith in the Gods of the one the traditional, outmoded religions? Some vague belief in the goodness of humanity, or of the universe? That won’t do. Once Olive summons her otherworldly messenger, this fellow will either have his soul shattered into infinitely tiny shards or will emerge from the experience a disciple of the new faith, Olive and Mary’s faith, the faith the will cleanse the world of the unclean and unworthy.

Curtis, 1/6/15

I’ve been down on this Kwanzaa storyline so far, but kudos to the spirit of the holiday for bringing the word “barfed” to comics pages everywhere. It would be better to show than to tell, of course, but I understand the editorial limits of the medium and applaud the strip for even getting this far. More teens magically transformed into superstars vomiting on presidential candidates in the funny pages, please! More, I say!