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Mary Worth, 9/15/23

Ahh, it’s Friday, so that means that this eternal plot has got to be wrapping up and we’ll finally be moving on to someth– oh no. Oh no. Sources inform me that Mary Worth will now be doing a storyline where Saul introduces Eve to the world of “online,” much like the 2011 story where Wilbur showed Mary how to use Twitter, except that 2023 internet is much darker than 2011 internet so we need to set our expectations accordingly. The best case scenario, given Saul’s seemingly out-of-context emphasis on Eve’s physical beauty, is that he has plans to turn her into a social media influencer, posting tasteful content across platforms aimed at statuesque senior women looking for fashion and beauty tips, and also appealing those of all genders and ages who find such women attractive. Worst case scenario? Well, let’s just say that the person who was driven by the Pizzagate conspiracy theory to bring a gun into Comet Ping Pong in 2016 had only gotten home internet a few weeks before, so imagine what going from zero to extremely online could do to Eve’s delicate psyche!

The Lockhorns, 9/15/23

I guess the joke is that Loretta’s mother is calling Leroy fat, but I prefer to interpret this as meaning that she either has finally accepted the couple’s S&M relationship or that she’s encouraging Leroy to hang himself.

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Dick Tracy, 9/12/23

Sprocket Nitrate has managed to extract herself from the crumbling criminal enterprise in which she was entangled and has laid her hands on a fake passport and, you know what, good for her! Now she faces her greatest challenge yet: will she be able to bring herself to put on shoes as she flees the country? Criminal syndicates tend to have fairly relaxed workplace dress codes, but in my experience you really do need to wear shoes to board an international flight.

Mary Worth, 9/12/23

Ha ha, bet you thought that Saul and Eve getting married and paying their respects to Mary last week would signal that this week, finally, we would finally embark on a new adventure. Turns out nope! Turns out we’re stuck here forever. Truly wild that this storyline began with a lurid dogfighting plot and is going to end with an old man trying to figure out how much of his stuff he should donate to the Goodwill.

Pardon My Planet, 9/12/23

What with the combination of the classic winged-angels-standing-on-clouds depiction of heaven, reincarnation, “soul companion,” and the idea that the spirit might remain tied to the body even after death, I’m going to say something I never thought I’d say: there’s way too much going on theologically in today’s Pardon My Planet.

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Six Chix, 9/6/23

One of the sad paradoxes of aging is that pets can be a great source of comfort and happiness for older people, but many rightfully worry about what will happen if their beloved animals outlive them. But what if your soul in the next world could reach out to the living to ensure that your pets were cared for? “FEED. THE. CAT.” your dead voice would echo, coming from everywhere and nowhere, burning in the brains of your family or just anyone who happened to be within a few miles of your home. They plug their ears but can still hear the command thrumming, having crossed unfathomable space and time to arrive on earth. “FEED. HIM. FEED. HIM. FEED HIM.” The cat himself daintily licks his paws, seemingly unaware of the commotion but also extremely confident that he’ll be fed on time.

Mary Worth, 9/6/23

“Whoa there, Drunky McNewlywed, my taupe globules pair best with room temperature tap water, capisce? You can start getting lit when you’re already on your way out the door and I won’t have to deal with your drunken antics. I’ve been burned before!”

Blondie, 9/6/23

Elmo, a good alibi is when you establish that you couldn’t have committed a crime because you were somewhere else at the time. This is just you saying “Oh, I didn’t do that thing I was supposed to do, because I was doing something else.” Honestly, I’d go so far as to say that this not only isn’t a good alibi, but it isn’t an alibi at all.