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Heathcliff, 3/2/15

Today’s Heathcliff brings into focus for me one the most irritating aspects of this feature: that the title cat’s personality veers wildly from terrifying murder machine to weirdly forced whimsy with little rhyme or reason. Ha ha, that cat is wearing a Carmen Miranda hat in the dugout! That certainly is a … potential source of amusement? Heathcliff used to play basesball irritatingly, not just cheer it on, so this is really a step down for him to be honest.

Momma, 3/2/15

Whoa, Tina has been blonde for at least the last decade and probably longer, so now we have to ask ourselves: why is she suddenly now raven-haired? My guess is that, based on the overwhelming soul-crushing awfulness of having Momma as her mother-in-law, she’s decided to go full-on goth. The filthy house is not so much a lifestyle choice as a side effect of the overwhelming depression.

Mary Worth, 3/2/14

Oh, wait, what’s that? This wasn’t valedictory wrapping up after all? We’ve got at least another week of Hanna and Amy pretending to be on good terms while passive-aggressively sniping about each other’s choice of spouse and lifestyle? [nods, steeples fingers] PROCEED

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Mary Worth, 2/28/15

Is this … is this the ending? The ending of this storyline? A mother and daughter shake hands while sitting amongst the boxes, having both found men to solve all their problems? A daughter makes vague promises to “help move,” probably involving browbeating the landscapers from her husband’s vast estate, and a mother makes vague promises to “help with the wedding,” which certainly doesn’t mean financial help and probably refers to picking out flowers or bridesmaids dresses or something? Also, the mother is going blind? Let’s not forget that the mother is going blind and that the flowers and bridesmaids dresses will be even more hideous than usual. Little Gordon sits on the floor, entirely lost in his electronic world. This is the delightfully transactional ending this story deserves.

Dennis the Menace, 2/28/15

Hmm, Dennis’s teacher takes him aside after class, as if to gently correct him privately, but makes sure to do it while the other children are still in earshot, so that they can snicker at his ignorance! I’d say the menace has become the menaced, except that Dennis managed to get a Sunday School lesson to linger on nudity and shame, so maybe he’s playing a much deeper game here.

Beetle Bailey, 2/28/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because nobody likes Sarge, and it’s breaking his heart!

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Mary Worth, 2/26/15

Welp, looks like next year’s Worthy Awards will be a mere formality, as today’s final panel, in which a wild-eyed Amy waves her fist in the air to indicate just how jazzed she is to be marrying a rich dude who will allow her to quit her job, will clearly sweep every category. (I certainly hope she’s also making barking noises like the “dog pound” from the Arsenio Hall Show.) Hanna is happy too, because Dave’s riches have bought Amy access to both time to personally care for her child and hired help to care for her child when she wants to use her time for something else! No more babysitting for Hanna! Also, Dave can buy Gordon all the screens he wants so he never has to look any of his family members in the eye ever again!

I really thought that this storyline had another twist in store, but it’s Thursday and Hanna’s self-satisfied thought balloon has me thinking that this is the plot-wrapping-up week, and we’re going to end with both Amy and Hanna having solved their problems by finding and marrying the right dudes. My only regret is that the whole thing didn’t end in a Shakespeare-comedy style double wedding at City Hall, with Gordon playing the “holy fool” character (a modern version who just stares vacantly at a Gameboy the entire time).

Family Circus, 2/26/15

Dolly looks at a set of rigid metal pipes of varying sizes bound together forever and only capable of producing noise in response to the breath of some vastly larger being and sees a “family,” which tells us a disturbing amount about her own take on her home life.