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Mary Worth, 2/12/13

YES! Mary and John have overcome almost no adversity whatsoever to TRIUMPH in their cake battle against other cake bakers! And they did so by working as a team, by joining together as one, by functioning almost as a single organism, by … oh my God .. panel one … MARY’S ARM IS JOINING INTO JOHN’S ARM OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THEY ARE MELDING INTO A SINGLE BEING. That look Mary’s giving him in panel two, it’s like, “Yes, John, soon I will be you.”

Gil Thorp, 2/12/13

Say, what’s going in Gil Thorp? Oh, you know, Scott is having a great season because of his magical peacock but he doesn’t want to share it with the other guys because it might be the reincarnation of his dead little brother blah blah blah BORING. More interesting to me is today’s revelation that the Mudlarks are beginning to transition to full-body fishnet-stocking uniforms.

Better Half, 2/12/13

Stanley may be too lazy to woo other women, but he can still fuck his food, I guess. It’s just lying right there on the plate in front of him!

Spider-Man, 2/12/13

Yep, this seems like an appropriate reaction to an offer of help from Newspaper Spider-Man!

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Better Half, 2/6/13

For years, I’ve enjoyed the Lockhorns as the most harrowing cautionary tale about marriage available on the comics page, but since I started reading the Better Half earlier this year, I think we have a new title holder. Because, after all, relations between Leroy and Loretta are marked by unrelenting hatred, and we all know that hatred isn’t the opposite of love — it demands too much focus and passion for that. No, the opposite of love is the numb, unfeeling indifference that Harriet and Stanley have for one another! See, they were going to leave each other for other, more attractive people, but then they couldn’t be bothered, because there were good shows on TV.

Mary Worth, 2/6/13

So, you get disqualified if you drop your cake during transfer, but if you drop your cake during transfer because you leapt into the crowd and strangled a heckler to death in a terrifying rage-fugue, I’m pretty sure you get some kind of honorable mention.

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Mary Worth, 2/5/13

I’m sorry, I guess we’re supposed to be on the edge of our seats wondering if Mary and John are going to drop their cake “during transfer” (ugh, now I’ve been forced to learn some cake competition lingo, against my will), like the poor, tragic souls in panel one, but all I can see is the majestic waterfall streaming forth from the figure atop the cake, which, let me remind you, is an uncanny replica of Mary herself. Since we can’t get a good look at the details, it’s unclear whether the Mary-figure is standing atop a spring out of which pink water is pouring out, or melting, or vomiting, or urinating, or what, but whatever the case it should guarantee John a Nobel Prize for Cake by the time this competition is done.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/5/13

Whoops, my fault, it’s not so much “secret illegitimate daughter” as it is “daughter from a previous marriage that ended in such an ugly fashion that she was completely cut out of her father’s life to the extent that his child with his next wife never met or even knew about her.” Funky Winkerbean: ALWAYS more depressing than you initially give it credit for.

Spider-Man, 2/5/13

How boring is the spider-themed super-heroics game these days? So boring that MJ literally falls asleep in the middle of a description of it.