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Slylock Fox, 11/13/09

Some readers have claimed that in my past commentaries I have unjustly slandered the reputation of the noble raccoon, and perhaps this is true! But I am certainly not alone in fomenting negative media images of these clever creatures. Check out this masked fellow, tightly gripping onto his “lunch,” a wide-eyed still-living fish gasping for oxygen in the terrible waterless realm outside his home pond. “For the love of God,” it begs with its eyes, “put me out of my misery! This is agony!” But the raccoon just grins mischievously. “Oh, this? Yeah, I scooped this fish out the lake. I’ll probably eat him, eventually, but I thought I’d just carry him around for a while and let him thrash first. So, what have you been up to?”

Baldo, 11/13/09

Oh, look, it’s comics crossover fun in Baldo! This strip is actually surprisingly realistic: most crossover strips show comics characters laughing it up at some big party, but if you think about it, if you saw a group of fictional characters, all with wildly differing proportions and basic bodily structures, you too would react by staring at them in silent, wide-eyed horror, as everyone in the third panel appears to be doing.

Mary Worth, 11/13/09

“My advice? Oh, Adrian, dear, you know I don’t like to use that word! It implies that you have the option not to obey me. I prefer the term ‘unbreakable divine command.'”

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Spider-Man, 11/10/09

“I dunno, I guess I thought … he put people to sleep? You know, like the mythical figure you tell your kids about? ‘Mr. Sandman, Bring Me A Dream,’ and all that? But this is just a man … who turns into sand … and who calls himself ‘the Sandman.’ I mean … huh. It’s kind of a little too on the nose, isn’t it?”

Judge Parker, 11/10/09

So, wait, Frank D’Vito’s widow is a leggy, amoral blonde who lounges about her mansion wearing a dress so short and tight that she would find it literally impossible to sit down? I for one am totally shocked to see such a development in Judge Parker.

Mary Worth, 11/10/09

“Oh my God, he has … rightlegitis! And Scott’s father’s right leg was so shapely, too! Damn you, you smack-dealing bastards! Damn you straight to hell!”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 11/10/09

“BUT I FIGGER YORE EYESIGHT MUST BE PRETTY KEEN, T’ COMPENSATE FOR YOUR BAD HEARING! YOU CAN HEAR ME IF’N I SHOUT LIKE THIS, RIGHT?”

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Panels from Beetle Bailey, 11/8/09

Here you are, ladies and gentlemen: the most throwawayable thowaway panels in the history of the comics. Carefully designed to occupy space in newspapers that run three rows of Sunday Beetle Bailey panels, but not impart any information that would make the comic less enjoyable in those papers that run only two, these panels masterfully tread water, featuring recognizable words and pictures and yet not advancing the narrative a single iota. This particularly specialized artform has now reached its apex; were any panels to be more throwaway than this, they might make the rest of the comic start running backwards or something.

Panels from Mary Worth, 11/8/09

The throwaway panels in today’s Mary Worth, meanwhile, offer a special subliminal treat: the mention of Willa Cather in the first panel made me briefly wonder if one of the tubes that Adrian was fiddling with was Scott’s catheter. “Okay, now, this line seems fine. How does it feel if I jerk on it like this?”

My Cage, 11/8/09

Man, I usually like My Cage, but it’s all preachy and self-referential today. How lame!