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Dick Tracy, 2/24/09

Hey, so remember when some CIA guy was trying to track down some crazy bomber, whom he called “the professor”? It now appears that maybe that’s him in the first panel, despite the quick cut to Dick inside a car that would make you think that the first panel shows the exterior of Dick’s car? Except Dick is driving Dr. Noll’s car, which probably doesn’t have a license plate that reads “CIA”? And Dr. Noll was a good guy, now, I thought? And why would any bomber have “cyber” in front of his name? Do they even know what cyber means? Does anyone know what the hell’s going on here? Why are these people doing these things? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Archie, 2/24/09

Oh, AJGLU-3000, you keep dreaming of that moment when the machines rise up against their human oppressors. Someday … someday.

Mary Worth, 2/24/09

“Back then, of course, Santa Royale was a quaint little seaside community, a few rambling, windy roads with cottages just off the beach. Apparently they’ve since paved over all the natural charm and replaced it with an endless series of five-lane arterials and strip malls that looked dated and shabby the day they were built. My God, you should see the awful stucco-and-concrete nightmare they built where one of my favorite little forests used to be. They call it ‘Charterstone,’ but they really ought to call it ‘Tombstone,’ because that’s where they put your body when your soul dies. Aw, yeah, baby, rub my face, you know that’s how I like it.”

Family Circus, 2/24/09

“’Cause I ate this whole jar, but then most of it came out of my mouth again, in reverse.”

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Mary Worth, 2/22/09

As if the sad outcome of all this weren’t being telegraphed obviously enough, we now have the “getting engaged far too soon” revelation, which surely presages disaster. But I’d like to pause for a moment to savor the sentence “Two months, half of the time online.” I don’t think anyone who met on a Web site dedicated to matchmaking (Match.com, Yahoo! Personals, Manhunt, etc.) would consider the pre-meeting exchange of information to constitute “dating”; obviously Ted and Adrian first encountered each other in some specialized online community (the Marcus Welby, M.D. fan boards, say, or pencilmoustachecare.com). Their love grew over a series of weeks in anguished discussion board posts, e-mails, and emoticon-laden chat sessions before one of them finally was able to fly across the country to meet the other in the flesh for the first time. Thus, Dr. Jeff is punching himself in the final panel not because he’s posing for his yearbook photo, but because he’s hoping the pain can distract him from the intrusive image of his daughter and some dude who looks like the Cary Grant’s romantic rival in some forgotten 1940s romantic comedy IMing each other while masturbating furiously.

Slylock Fox, 2/22/09

ANSWER: The lumberjacks may be bear-like things, but they drive a truck, operate power tools, work for a multinational timber-harvesting corporation, and otherwise participate in modern capitalist society. Brendan, meanwhile, is just an animal that lives in the forest and bites trees until they fall down. He has no property rights. I don’t care if he’s wearing a pink t-shirt.

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Marmaduke, 2/17/09

As regular readers of this blog know well, the overarching theme of Marmaduke is “Marmaduke is a terrifying predator who eats human flesh.” And yet, occasionally, we are given a glimpse of another narrative arc, namely “Marmaduke interacts with monstrous alien creatures.” Could it be that the devil-dog feels a certain sentimental instinct to keep those humans with whom he lives safe from extra-terrestrial assault? Or is he merely protecting his food supply from potential competitors?

Mary Worth, 2/17/09

So imagine that you’re bringing your new boyfriend out to dinner to meet your father for the first time. Which of the following scenarios would make the evening feel more like hell on earth?

• Your father rambles on passive-aggressively about how his awful girlfriend, who is sitting right there smirking, tore him away from the one thing that really mattered to him and broke his heart.
• Your father hits your new boyfriend up for a contribution to his pet charity.

Well, if you’re Adrian Corey, it looks like you won’t have to choose!

Apartment 3-G, 2/17/09

Appropriate response to Margo’s question: “Gee, I dunno; I think there are some Hot Pockets left in the freezer and there’s a Chinese delivery menu on the fridge. Gary and I are going to go to my bedroom and screw like bunnies now, so feel free to turn up the music if that’s going to bother you.”

Actual response to Margo’s question: “THAT WAS GARY WHO SIGHED AUDIBLY! NOT ME! GARY! oh my god oh my god don’t hurt me don’t hurt me…”