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Today’s comics contained something that we all should have expected, but that was nevertheless shocking and, to some, horrifying. Certainly everyone who loves newspaper comics strip is buzzing about it. I’m talking, of course, about today’s Snuffy Smith.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/13/08

Fellas! Of course, we all long to see our inamoratas in the super-classy see-through nighties of the kind found in mail-order catalogs and the Fredrick’s of Hollywood store. They’re hot because you can see your partner’s boobies but she’s still wearing clothes! But isn’t there something that isn’t quite perfect about those garments? Of course there is! They’ve been stitched together from some kind of non-edible artificial fiber, when they could be made out of delicious meat!

Seriously, this is one of the vilest things I’ve ever seen or read.

For Better Or For Worse, 3/13/08

Oh, also, Liz and Anthony are going to get married or whatever. You might think that this foobrosal (in the lovely formulation of faithful reader Gabe) is a bit lackluster; indeed the first three panels seem to merely depict two numb characters recognizing that the machinations of their universe are pushing them inexorably together, and that no free will they exercise could possibly change their preordained fate. But in panel four, said Foobiverse suddenly remembers that Liz is supposed to be happy about this, and you see her eyes glowing with some kind of creepy, supernatural illumination. Then she desperately tries to get Anthony to nuzzle her breasts. It won’t be the first time she fails.

Mary Worth, 3/13/08

Mary Worth’s flashback is finally underway, and we learn that Mary is totally OK with throwing around terms like “broken home” in 2008. We also learn that she was a hungry, hungry little urchin with a terrible haircut. Will this sequence end with young Mary in a back alley somewhere, desperately chewing on the bones of a stray dog that she killed with her bare hands? We can only hope!

Mark Trail, 3/13/08

Speaking of eating dogs, Mark Trail has apparently travelled to the big bad city with an agenda of handing out free puppies to eight-year-olds. I’m guessing that the sort of little kid who would write a passionate entry about pet ownership for a contest is exactly the sort of little kid whose parents won’t let have a dog. I sure can’t see anything going wrong this this plan! Also, since the magazine Mark writes for is named Woods and Wildlife and not Domesticated Animals, I’m hoping the “puppy” will actually be a wolf cub, or maybe a coyote pup.

Luann, 3/13/08

Ha ha! It turns out that when Brad heard his captain say he was bringing Toni to the ball, he meant that he was bringing Tony to the ball! Oh, the Three’s Company-style misunderstanding-derived hilarity!

This could be some sort of vaguely daring attempt to make a totally colorless supporting character in this comic gay; on the other hand, since he’s using the vague term “friend” and the battalion captain is bringing his sister, I suppose Tony really could be just his friend because, hey, they’re modern, sensitive new-age guys, and Tony always wanted to see what a real firefighter’s ball was like (and who wouldn’t)? Or, since Brad couldn’t tell “i” from “y” in speech, Tony Gale could really be Toni Gale anyway. I could get further into this, but I just realized that no matter how much I think about it, it isn’t going to get any more interesting, so I’ll stop.

Family Circus, 3/13/08

For those of you not up on the Shakespearean family drama beneath the surface of the Family Circus (and really, why would you be), Billy is actually based on strip creator Bil Keane’s son Glen, who is in fact an animator at Disney today; Jeffy is based on Jeff Keane, who has taken over the Family Circus from his dad. You could see this is some sort of dig at Glen for being a moron, but really a better way to go about that would have been something like, “Someday when I’m an animator at Disney, I’m going to help make a movie that will lose more than $100 million!”

UPDATE: Going over comments from the last thread, I see that the Spectacular Spider-Brick beat me to the “Foobocalypse now” joke … so a hat tip to the SSB as well!

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Mary Worth, 3/12/08

Why do I forget that Mary Worth only exists to shatter my hopes and dreams? All my fantasies of a bizarre flashback sequence are looking less and less likely by the day; instead, we’re just going to see Mary and Tobey standing around while Mary natters on in frustratingly vague terms. FLASH BACK! FLASH BACK, DAMN YOU!

Tobey is looking even more numb and Stepford-like than usual in the second panel. It’s possible that like us, she’s become so monumentally bored as to be on the brink of passing out.

Pluggers, 3/12/08

Wait a minute, pluggers don’t actually go hunting? Ha ha, they’re total blue-collar posers! Perhaps pluggers just know that having other people kill and butcher animals for you makes it easier to get the maximum amount of meat down your gullet as quickly as humanly possible.

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Hey, March is Women’s History Month — a great time to celebrate the many contributions to the funny pages by woman cartoonists.

Brenda Starr, 3/2/08

Dalia Messick called herself “Dale” to break into a male-dominated field and become the first woman syndicated cartoonist in 1940. With a lead character based on Rita Hayworth, the strip mixes workplace drama, romance, and adventure. Now written by Chicago Tribune columnist Mary Schmich*, Brenda Starr covers ripped-from-the-headlines themes like drugs, blogging, out-of-control heiresses, and an evil guy named Josh who, I’m told, takes lots of vacations. The plots move along pretty quickly, and feature occasional cameo appearances by actual celebrities. Brenda Starr broke a lot of ground for comics by and about women, and is still worth a look.

* Fun fact: remember the urban legend about Kurt Vonnegut’s “wear sunscreen” commencement address? That “address” was actually a column, and later a book, by Schmich.

Mary Worth, 3/9/08

When a woman takes over an established strip like Mary Worth, it can take her a while to make it her own. Since the death of John Saunders in 2003, Karen Moy has been taking small steps away from the strip’s time-honored “Ms. Fixit” model, showing us episodes in which Mary’s advice doesn’t work out, competition for her status as Charterstone’s premier advice-giver, and tantalizing (well, within limits) glimpses of her personal life. Here comes a flashback — maybe somebody once told her to floss regularly, and it turned out to be good advice. But hey, in Mary Worth, that’s not only good dental hygiene, it’s a great leap forward. You go, Karen Moy!

For Better or For Worse, 8/13/07, and 3/9/08 (excerpt)

Of course, “women’s themes” are still well represented by these artists. Here we see the simple domestic rituals of meal preparation passed from one generation to the next — shadowed by the grim realities of eating disorders and obesity.

Hey, Josh is back, and Monday will be chock full of Joshy goodness like Comments of the Week, new comics, and a recap of the Tucson meetup. Meantime, thanks for a great week, and your generosity during the Pledge Drive — see you in the comments!

– Uncle Lumpy