Post Content

Your comments of the week in a moment, but first I must point to a blog of which I was wholly unaware, and which appears to have not updated since July, but to which attention must be paid: The Secret Life of Mark Trail. Pointed out in the comments by faithful reader True Fable, it pairs bizarre, out-of-context Mark Trail panels with funny captions. Do not miss!

And now, your gravy-stained COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Drove by a local home furnishings store today whose sign was promoting some piece of furniture (I assume) called ‘The Cuddler.’ All I could think was ‘Damn, he’s gonna kick Spider-Man’s ass.'” –johnbpt

And your also delicious runners-up!

“Somewhere, an assistant is hanging a new number on a large sign in the Fred Basset production office that says ‘_ _ _ _ DAYS WITHOUT A DISCERNIBLE JOKE.'” –Muffaroo

“thatquietkid: According to your fine newsletter, Mark Trail is 32 years old and has been married for 15 years. I now have a glorious mental image of Mark Trail as a seventeen-year-old child bride, swathed in khaki with a mosquito net veil, having been sold to Cherry as breeding stock.” –Jessie

“Lynn, you clearly don’t know what you’re doing. By ignoring Mary’s biddying you’re just making the inevitable meddlegasm stronger and longer. Panel after panel of stale platitudes and broken metaphors rhythmically spurting out of Mary, covering you and your horrible father in layer after layer of fetid sticky cliche, until she lies, spent, in the busybody’s afterglow.” –Baka Gaijin

“Reading zombie Foob is like watching paint redry.” –Uncle Lumpy

“Peter Parker’s only saving grace is that his enemies are inevitably even more pathetic than he is. After such hapless losers as The Shocker and The Vulture, we have perhaps the most pitiful of all — Big Time, who has to work overtime to keep his contrived persona going: constantly reminding people of his self-imposed nickname, carefully hanging clocks around his sad little lair, planning boring clock-related crimes … I just hope he lucks out and gets to die at the end of his storyline instead of going to prison, thus depriving Peter Parker the opportunity to make some lame-ass comment about how BT will be ‘doing time’ or how he’ll have ‘plenty of time to think about his mistakes … while he’s being shivved in the weight room by skinheads.’ Oh, wait, even if BT dies, Parker will be able to say that he’s ‘run out of time.’ Sorry, Biggie, you’re screwed either way.” –Joe Blevins

“Doc: ‘Could I get a second opinion?’ Dagwood: [looks down at his pants] ‘There’s one right there!'” –Ptycho

JP: “It seems like an obvious point, but in most murder mysteries interest is sustained by having more than one plausible culprit. Means and motive can also be points of investigation. But since we got all those questions out of the way quickly, that leaves only the expected rescue by the leather pants lady to complete this story and get back to the exciting subject of applying for solar panel tax credits.” –Mr. O’Malley

“I just think Margo is simply reaching around her ear to remove the flesh-mask that hides her true, scaled, Velociraptor visage. Soon, the assistant will be nothing but stains and entrails, to be hung as art and received as genius.” –Lettuce

“Save ‘some’ of the animals in the swamp? So much for natural selection. Are Mark and Pop to sit in judgement on the swamp, picking and choosing which animals meet their warped sense of worth? In panel three, Mark has already swelled to god-like proportions.” –McManx

“I’m not sure if ‘forvever’ is Milford slang or just the result of the profound aphasia that develops in a society oriented entirely around games of hitting each other — or, indeed, if those two things are different.” –JohnsonDelegate

“I’m pretty sure that Jeff’s shirt really does say MILFORD and not MILF; he just had one custom made to be horribly off-center so it would better match his chin.” –peabody

“So Dixie somehow ties Sam to a chair next to the bed in the motel room (they are in a motel room, right? I’ve lost track in all that noir-ness). Then Sam and Dixie await the arrival of Detective Vavavoom. She, upon walking into the room, gazes at Dixie, who has already removed most of her clothes. Smiling, they wordlessly move toward each other, tenderly remove each other’s remaining garments, and drop to the bed to begin their entwined silken-limbed lesbian lovefest. Sam, still tied to the chair, falls asleep.” –Poteet

“When someone would pass gas, my grandmother used to say, ‘Someone stepped on a toadfrog.’ Mark Trail, however, seems to prefer the phrase, ‘I hear an old gator bellowing.'” –Perky Bird

“I’m thankful that Luann has taught me that just because something is maudlin doesn’t mean it can’t be creepy.” –Spunde

“Why does little Sarah look like a Venetian porn star in the second panel of that RMMD strip? I ask merely for information.” –Angry Kem

“Of course, no one has actually joined the cast of Beetle Bailey in at least a decade, so until we see this new friendly face again, I can only assume Beetle has lead him to Cookie’s tent and that there will be suspicious-looking meatloaf in the mess tonight.” –Black Drazon

“I can only hope that the teaser saying, ‘Is time running out for Spider-man?’ means the strip is going to star Maria Lopez after Peter Parker dies of apoplexy when his cable service gets cut.” –True Fable

“We are all reading TJ’s remarks with the wrong inflection. Should read more like this: Hey, ‘Mom and Dad,’ or ‘Big Jerks who won’t let me mooch off you anymore’ — I don’t care that you kicked me out and got that restraining order because I found a NEW family to ‘borrow’ credit cards from and impregnate ‘younger sisters’. Heh, heh, heh… You just can’t see all the quotation marks because of the dishwater.” –Rachel

“Watch out, Margo! The top button of Mr. Ken Doll Hair’s shirt is unbuttoned! He has no respect for society!” –Echo

“Josh, you’ve just made yourself obsolete. There’s really nothing more left to do with Momma than post ‘Momma: Hengh?’ every morning.” –teddytoad

As ever, I must give thanks to everyone put some change in my tip jar! And our advertisers will never be banished to the kids’ table:

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Post Content

COTW coming in a moment, but first, some items! Earlier this week I challenged you to create hilarious “FAMOUS CONSERVATIONIST RESCUES RACCOON” newspapers, and you did not disappoint! I received entries from faithful readers thatquietkid, greatbignerd (here’s his blog), mon-ma-tron, willethompson, and a faithful reader who prefers to remain anonymous. And one faithful reader (who works for a real Gazette) even offered his up on his own blog! Click and enjoy, and let me know if I left yours out.

Also! Slylock Fox cartoonist Bob Weber, Jr., wants you to know that he’s auctioning off original Slylock Fox art — featuring Cassandra Cat! — on eBay. Contact him if there’s some other Slylock panel you’re interested in!

Also also! Faithful reader the Divine O’F asks me to pass along this invite:

Crossword-loving Mudges — please join our Cryptic Crossword Group over in the Discussion Forum. We’re in the Cardinal’s Lounge section, and once a week we do a British cryptic puzzle (privately) and discuss it (publicly). It’s fun! It’s brain challenging! We’ll help you learn how to do it!

And now, at long last, the COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“With ‘Your momma sure can cook up a tasty, hot and spicy Mexican dinner!’ Herb and Jamaal has finally reached that magical milestone of 10,000 phrases no human being will ever say except as extremely bizarre euphemisms for unspeakable acts.” –GG

And the runners-up! So many, but I loved them all!

“Herb and Jamaal is always a long walk for a short joke.” –Rusty

“I hope that when Lynn is finished shredding the scarf, she takes her fingernails to Mary’s face, all the while wailing, ‘Shredded! Shredded! Like my soul!'” –Angry Kem

“You can always count on Mary Worth to have a visual perspective as forced as the characterizations.” –Lithros

“‘You only get to do that once!’ No, motherfucker, this is Crankshaft. He’ll make shitty puns a thousand times. Oh, or did you mean the smirk? He’ll do that too.” –Old Doc Yak

“I am so sick of all this endless inquiry and doubt as to whether my name is actually ‘Rabbit’! For the last time, OF COURSE NOT!!!!” –Violet

“Slowest. News. Day. Ever.” –Eli

“RABBIT: What can I do for you, Mister? CHARLIE: Is your name Rabbit? RABBIT: Yeah, what about it? CHARLIE: Can you grow some facial hair and join me in villainy?” –Phred22

“Obviously it was a bad move for Sally to invite her idiot sister to visit. This will probably be what drives Ted to have the hot sex with Aria. Actually, the sex will likely only be lukewarm since it’s bound to be frequently interrupted with obscure sci-fi references and crossword clues.” –Digger

“I like the Winkerbean principal’s strategically greying hair. It’s like his own personal dark cloud of doom looming over him at all times.” –Mischief Maker

“Rabbit is becoming my favorite character in Mark Trail — not that there is stiff competition for that dubious honor. He already had me at ‘You got to be kidding’ and now comes ‘Yeah, what about it?’ I think this guy should be re-cast from MT villain to Mark’s curmudgeonly sidekick. Every time Mark utters some awkward bon mot as he punches someone, Rabbit can stand to the side, commenting: ‘Give me a break.’ ‘Jesus Christ.’ ‘For the love of Pete.’ ‘Blow it out your gas-hole.'” –Kevin Moore

“She didn’t say ‘You only get to do that once’ to Crankshaft, but to one of his fellow drivers. She was only speaking a fact, which translates to: ‘You are a minor character. You only get one punchline. Ever. The rest of your existence will be as a non-speaking character who gets to agree wordlessly with the strip’s star once in a while.’ And he’ll think ‘You mean, a nodding acquaintance.’ — and he won’t even be allowed to say it.” –Muffaroo [almost back]

“Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit. You only have to say one word to get Mark Trail to leave town: commitment.” –Dingo

“Bourbon for Tommie? Not likely. Tommie is the type who finds warm milk too thrilling to be a sleep aid. She’ll take her milk room temperature, thank you very much.” –Whippersnapper

“Charlie wishes Trail would stop writing about the wetlands as he reads the front page article of today’s Gazette. Conclusion: Mark Trail wrote his own raccoon-saving hero article, dubbed himself a famous conservationist, and went on down to Sears Portrait Studio to get a shot with him and Sneaky. He chose the classic blue background with clouds for the article, but made sure to get a few with the neon lasers background for his scrapbook.” –Bootis

“Rabbit can never tell when people are kidding. He must have a faulty sarcasm detector, which goes a long way towards explaining his haircut.” –Joe Blevins

“Isn’t ‘Conservationist saves animal’ the ultimate ‘Dog bites man’ headline? Why is it the top story in a newspaper? ‘Famous conservationist skins raccoon alive’, now that’s a headline.” –Ginger Yellow

“For as much as Margo complains about being left behind ‘dealing with the aftershocks,’ it’s not like she’d be happier in South Dakota. Just two minutes of standing around that crappy tiny airport would have had her ready to rip off Cody Stiles’ head with his own sassy neckerchief before he even managed to offer her a ride in his old pickup truck. ‘Hang on,’ you say, ‘that sounds like Margo’s dream vacation.’ And that’s a fair point, but there’s no bar at an airport that small, so trust me, it really would be hell for her.” –Trilobite

“‘Marty harps on an old one’ may be the most obscure euphemism for masturbation since ‘boat wrestling.'” –Pozzo

“I’m pretty sure Moon’s vampire fangs are a Twilight homage, to appease all the thirteen-year-old girls who read Gil Thorp.” –fancywabs

“Goatee so soft, so silky … must stroke …. yeeeeeeees that’s nice.” –Li’l Bunnë FooFoo

“Tommie is merely making homage to her namesake — U.S. Sprinter Tommie Smith — who in the 1968 Mexico City Olympics raised a black-gloved fist in the air during his gold medal ceremony to protest the treatment of blacks in America. Of course, she’s representing an altogether different, but equally discriminated minority … that is, virgins.” –Lettuce

“I like to think that Ned has married to find a stepmother for his 12 children from his first wife, who finally left him to pursue a doctorate in sociology in whatever mid-sized city she could reach first. The new wife, likewise, has quickly realized that it would have been better to remain alone, thereby suffering all the stings aimed at unmarried women in this community, than to tie herself to Ned and his demon brood. She has therefore decided to slowly poison him. Good for her.” –A New Day

“Also, ‘let it go, Mary?’ I’m always impressed by how often the characters in Mary Worth overestimate Mary’s ability to not be a completely terrible person.” –Tats

“BTW, I admire how swiftly Rex pockets the bag of weed he has just purchased from the Rastafarian dude.” –tbell61

“At first, I couldn’t imagine why someone would use the phrase ‘tasty, hot, and spicy Mexican dinner,’ but then I realized that Herb is probably reading from a Zagat review. As they would say: this ‘annoyingly bland’ strip ‘excels’ at creating ‘distractingly unnatural’ dialogue.” –ratnerstar

“Of course Sue hasn’t met anyone like Mark in business. HR puts out an annual ‘Face Punching: Don’t Do It!’ pamphlet to discourage the Fists of Harassment.” –Patrick

“Hi, I’m Kromarr, the giant mutated fiddler crab. A nuclear accident may have given me my giant stature and ability to speak, but I was born hating stilted dialogue. That’s why I’m bearing down on Mark Trail and his latest bimboid. After I snip them in half, it’s back to Lost Forest to slaughter and devour Cherry and Rusty. Don’t bother to thank me, America. The knowledge that one less legacy strip will be left to vomit its utterly inhuman blather across your funny pages is thanks enough. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get all the killing done before my lunch date with King Ghidorah.” –ouranosaurus

Also many are the thanks go out to everyone put some change in my tip jar! And our advertisers too are worthy or praise:

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Post Content

Comments of the week shortly, but first, a few items!

Let’s begin with yesterday’s One Big Happy, a strip that I still read in the newspaper, the old-fashioned way. My newspaper cuts off the throwaway panels at the top of the Sunday strip, so I didn’t see this:

Ruthie’s grandpa is in fact enjoying Scratch Golfer, the fine comic novel written by faithful Comics Curmudgeon reader and frequent commentor willethompson! It is available for purchase for your enjoyment, and makes a good gift for a golf-loving family member.

Also! I Found All Six, the blog by faithful reader Gold-Digging Nanny that focuses on the six differences puzzles in Slylock Fox, has taken time out to explain the difference between Lu Ann’s cousin Blaze and South Dakota heartthrob Cody Stiles.

Also also! I meant last week to link to a fine project from faithful reader LunarHalo, Riverdale Sonnets, which combines the most demandingly structured of the poetic forms with … Archie, for some reason.

And now, at long, last, it’s your COMMENT OF THE WEEK:

“My thinking is that either Frank will be choked to death by Lynn with the ‘designer scarf’ or Lynn will become paralyzed in a tragic auto-asphyxiation mishap with said scarf. Either way, that scarf is up to no good.” –Dingo

And your runners-up — so many to choose from!

“Mark Trail has his punchin’ face on! Note the engorged eyebrows — a sure sign of impending fisticuffs.” –buckyswife

“You know, despite the painful, wooden awkwardness that defines this strip, Mark is really the best heroic vigilante in the comics. Why? Because his banter is nothing less than awesome. Today’s cross-panel ‘I think I’ll go make a wager … and I’m betting that this Rabbit fellow is going to lose’ is better than anything Spider-man has ever said and even competes with the snark provided by my personal hero, the narration box in the Phantom.” –Journeyman Softheart

“Man, I can’t even imagine that kind of lifts they had to put in Ice-Dad’s shoes to make him appear taller than the 6′ 8” Mary Worth. It’s for naught, though, as Mary’s sense of moral superiority towers over all.” –Tats

“I wonder why Dolly’s soup was cold in the first place. Was Thel so lazy that she just dumped a can of soup straight into the bowl, and it was only Grandma’s pity for the little melon-head that prevented Dolly from having to eat a cold, can-shaped, gelatinous glop?” –Perky Bird

“What is with the freakish kids in the serial strips? Don’t even get me started on the Sneaky-ownin’ kid with the blonde flip ’do in Mark Trail. Her forehead is so big you could show movies on it.” –Bootsy

“I think what Mary is trying to say is ‘You can buy my love, Frank … all it will cost is your soul.'” –Eldaglass

“I for one am confused by such exotic accessories and appreciate that they went that extra mile to illustrate the — how do you say? — scarf. Of course, if they had really cared, they would have written the word SCARF underneath it with an arrow. Then all I would need is someone loudly and slowly over-enunciating as they read the strip to me.” –Mel

“Does it LOOK like I’m kidding? No, seriously, does it? Because I don’t know how to change my facial expression to reflect my emotions!” –Joe Blevins

“If someone ran up to me saying ‘That’s a PET raccoon and I am taking it home!’ about the only response that would make any sense is ‘You’ve got to be kidding.’ Although, ‘Get the hell away from me, you rabies-infected freak!’ would be a close second.” –DaveyK

“Wow, Mark must be particularly riled up this time. At least four hairs have broken free of whatever that blue-black matrix is that holds the rest of his ’do together.” –Joe Btfsplk

“No wonder ladies swoon over Mark Trail. If he would face a gang of drunken bloodthirsty rednecks to rescue a rabid raccoon he would have no problems spending the holidays with her family.” –IronMouse

“Is he named Rabbit because of his sex drive? Could you imagine Mark taking him home instead of hitting him and having a three way with Cherry? You can now.” –Anonymous

“Judging by the big smile on Peter Parker’s sleeping face, I’m betting he got himself some good Spidey lovin’ before going to sleep. Either that or Jay Leno’s monologue was particularly funny tonight. Both things have the same effect on him.” –Perky Bird

“I would be a little worried if in my doctor’s examination room I set eyes on a bag of french fries, a waffle, and a plate of grits. The rural health care system must indeed be stressed if doctors have to see patients while they’re having breakfast.” –Mr. O’Malley

“I think it’s great that Lu Ann’s hometown is populated by the cast of the musical Oklahoma!” –Johnny Bacardi

RMMD: “I have to laugh when Sarah coos, ‘Maybe I should do the talking.’ Otherwise I’ll be overcome with terror. This! Is! No! Child! Never before has she looked so much like a four-foot woman in white lipstick.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Mary has insinuated herself into Lynn’s bed in record time. What happens next will be fodder for many a nocturnal emission, no doubt.” –Tom the Pirate

“I like the throwaway panels in Beetle Bailey. We all know that Cookie’s ‘classic’ cake is simply vanilla and baking flower mixed with enough arsenic to kill the entire U.S. Air Force.” –Erik

“Is there anything I can do to help? Like, for instance, may I disturb your probably set and comfortable pre-skate practice routine and make you think about other things, which in turn might possibly distract you which will lead you to lose the competition and send your father, who’s living vicariously through your success, spiraling into an alcoholic depression from which he, and you, will never recover? Or get you a glass of milk?” –Smokehouse

“I don’t know which will be the cause of more nightmares — Mary’s eyes, or Mary’s outfit. Rest assured, though, that she constitutes 99% of my nightmares. Mary, Mary, Mary, all night long. ALL NIGHT LONG. Rest assured, because I cannot.” –Lithros

“Today’s test question: Mark Trail is in the backwoods breaking up a raccoon/dog fight, surrounded by a bunch of slack-jawed yokels. What is conspicuously absent from this scene? (a) A photographer/reporter from a well respected regional newspaper whose ‘scoop’ is going to land on page one; (b) Firearms, or any weapons for that matter (unless you consider ‘the right fist o’ justice’ a weapon); (c) The line ‘let me hear you squeal like a pig’; (d) An endless series of rabies and tetanus shots; (e) A plot line that would make even the greenest tree-hugging card-carrying animal rights advocate utter ‘Seriously?’ when it plays out.” –blammers66

“Mary’s really full of advice for a woman who stole her sweater from Bill Cosby, circa 1985.” –Patrick

“To: Cathy
From: Humanity
RE: Phrases we never wish to read in a Cathy strip
‘Urinary Tract Health.’
Thank you.” –AmazingThor

“Complaining about how fast 9 Chickweed Lane moves is grounds for sentencing you to three months of reading Judge Parker, during which the following will happen: (1) Sam will get in his car. (2) There is no #2.” –Cranky

“Jamaal becoming a plugger could tell us that America is entering into a new era of post-racial consciousness. Or that cartoonists are trading the same five jokes back and forth. Whichever’s more likely.” –Beatrice

Also of note is a comment by Mooncattie from earlier today that’s too long to reproduce here, but is essential reading if you want to hear the vaguely Faulkerian take of how Lu Ann Powers sort of lost her virginity in the back of a pickup truck.

Anyway, thanks go out to everyone put some change in my tip jar before heading out to the big bad city! And our advertisers will never forget their country roots:

• Josh teams up with MST3K alums! Enjoy MST3K-style ribbing of the weepiest Spider-Man ever — with Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy, and your very own Comics Curmudgeon!

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