Post Content

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/29/14

Hahahahahaha Mrs. Pierpont might be a nice old philanthropist with a WASP-y name but it turns out that she was an active participant in organized criminal activities! Her “driver” was presumably a violent mob enforcer, and now will be driving around a kindergartner and her teenage babysitter! Oh, this is rich, rich, and should be great for Sarah’s personal and professional development. “What do you think, Sarah … should I give it to them?” she’ll be asking again in a few weeks, only this time it’ll be about whether she should gun down two members of a rival gang in a dark alley.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/29/14

Hahahahahaha they’re actually calling the movie version of this nonsense Lust for Lisa! This was mentioned in the strip immediately after this one, which I didn’t bother mentioning because I figured it was just a terrible one-off joke and we’d never hear about it again, but turns out nope! Turns out hilariously, hilariously nope. Anyway, if they’re still looking for a sexxxy direction to take this in, I suggest this classic Shortpacked strip.

Momma, 6/29/14

Hahahahahaha … no wait, this comic is about how a mother and son are meeting just after the son’s latest casual sexual encounter, much to their mutual disgust, it’s not funny or laughable at all :(

Post Content

Judge Parker, 6/8/14

OH MY GOD

THE MURDEROUS, VILLAINOUS ARMS MERCHANT NAMED “FLACO” WHO’S BEEN MENACING OUR HEROES FOR MONTHS IS GOING TO SPARE THEM BECAUSE HE LOVED JUDGE PARKER SENIOR’S TERRIBLE, UNREADABLE BOOK

THIS IS THE GREATEST POSSIBLE RESOLUTION TO THIS STORYLINE, MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN I COULD’VE POSSIBLY IMAGINED

Seriously, remember back on the cruise where we first encountered these sinister wedding-ruiners, and Alan read a negative review of his book from an awful elitist Ivy League double-professor, and then later he ran into her on the cruise and he publicly humiliated her, because she had an opinion? That character will have been treated by our narrative with significantly less compassion than Flaco, who sells deadly weapons to the highest bidder in conflict zones worldwide and before that worked for the Securitate, the most notoriously brutal Eastern European secret police of the Cold War era, all because Flaco loves Alan’s shitty spy novel. I love everything about this. Maybe Flaco will stop demanding the diamonds back, as long as they’re invested in turning The Chambers Affair into a terrible, unwatchable movie? Dare to dream!

Momma, 6/8/14

Sure, Momma is terrible to her kids, but there’s nobody she’s harder on than herself, and it’s often in her dreams and reveries that she really lets her self-loathing run rampant. Here she is imagining being spurned by her husband, in the afterlife! Or maybe just her corpse is being spurned by his corpse? Either way, pretty depressing!

Post Content

Dennis the Menace, 6/5/14

Dennis stood, transfixed, watching the spider move purposefully across its web. Here, he thought, was the antidote to the modern world of human civilization that he was already recognizing as a sham. The spider doesn’t worry itself about book-learning, like Margaret, or about proper decorum, like his parents, or about peace and quiet, like Mr. Wilson. It just sits on its web, a web it created out of nothing, out of its own body, biding its time, until a prey animal falls into its trap — and then it strikes, and feeds. Everything humanity has done — its cities, its cars, its governments, its data networks that sell us the lie that we connect with one another, when really we sit at home alone, bathed in sickly artificial light — all that paled in comparison to the spider’s simple, beautiful, and alien creation. “Now that’s a web site,” Dennis whispered, in awe. It was extremely menacing.

Momma, 6/5/14

It’s easy for outsiders to see the North Korean practice of referring to Kim Il-sung, dead since 1994, as the “Eternal President of the Republic” as a symptom of that state’s baroque and deranged ideological underpinnings. But in fact, in practice it makes a certain amount of sense, from the point of view of the regime: you allow a revered figurehead, who cannot speak for himself, to become the mouthpiece for their unpopular decisions — decisions that as a result cannot be appealed. Momma knows the score.