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Blondie, 2/10/16

“And just like members of our family, we have exactly one photo of each of them. We englarge our family by placing one, and only one, order with every pizza place in the area. Then we add our new family member to our Collection, in the basement, behind the soundproof walls! Wait, did I say all that out loud? Uh, forget you ever saw these trophy photos, I mean, family photos, that I was looking at on my computer while I should be working, for no reason.”

Momma, 2/10/16

Momma always complains about Francis’s lack of ambition. Here, he desperately attempts to show her the scope of his vision, that laziness itself can be an art form. He will recline, like he does on Momma’s couch, but now he will let our mightiest river move him swiftly, state after state, until he’s finally swept out to sea and can embrace annihilation as he’s never seen again. “Why not just take the bus to the beach?” asks Momma as she takes a single cupcake out of the oven. Her world has always been, in every way, small.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/27/16

June and Heather have spent the past several days discussing the fact that Heather loves June’s new baby and wants to have a baby but is married to a man vanishing into Alzheimer’s and thus will never have a baby and is very sad about it. But remember, Heather isn’t just a sad Scottish ex-nanny with a senile husband; she’s also a criminal conspirator who has masterminded schemes of corporate skullduggery not once but twice. She is going to feel zero moral qualms about kidnapping that baby the moment June leaves the room, is what I’m saying.

Momma, 1/27/16

This is a joke about … STDs, maybe? “Bad colds” being code for “herpes”? That’s the joke? Or maybe the joke is “Francis thinks it’s OK to say ‘My new girlfriend is always kissing me! Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!’ to his mother, which isn’t a ‘joke’ so much as a ‘nightmare from which we will never wake.'”

Dennis the Menace, 1/27/16

There are few things more unsettlingly menacing than spending hours each night poring over old Calvin and Hobbes strips and then passing off the behavior you’re carefully mimicking as “naturally weird.”

Hi and Lois, 1/27/16

See, you thought the joke of this cartoon was going to be that these little kids unthinkingly reminded the old man that he would be dead soon, but in fact the joke is that they’ve reminded him of the many terrible, terrible things he’s seen and done. It’s nice when a long-standing feature like Hi and Lois can keep you guessing!

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Mary Worth, 12/21/15

One of the low-key weirder details out of many in this Olive storyline in Mary Worth is that Olive’s parents are vaguely implied to be bad and neglectful because they can’t stop getting their fuck on. And now Mary’s aggression on this subject is getting a lot less passive! “You two love birds keep doing what you’re doing, which is enjoying the physical aspects of the sex act without true emotional intimacy! We have things under control here, unlike you, who can’t even control your engorged genitals!”

Momma, 12/21/15

Speaking of shameful lusts, Momma’s recent strips that seem to accidentally be about incest have been so weird and disturbing that today’s installment, in which Francis has literally twisted himself into a sexual frenzy as he stares at a parade of hot ladies out his mother’s front window, is a relief, in that none of those hot ladies is his sister.

Curtis, 12/21/15

At least there’s no overt sexuality in today’s Curtis! No, Greg’s soul isn’t stirred by lust or passion of any sort. It’s not because commercialism is any worse today than it used to be, it’s just because years of adulthood have crushed his spirit and now he can’t feel.