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Mary Worth, 6/24/11

Mary Worth continues to prove that just because you have no understanding of the ways humans think and feel and act doesn’t mean that you can’t try to heal their emotional pain! Did you experience a moment of life-shattering public humiliation and emotional trauma? Eh, just try remembering it differently, maybe you’ll feel better. Have you become sexually obsessed with someone who doesn’t reciprocate? Probably it’s because you hate your job! Sure, that totally makes sense.

Jumble, 6/24/11

Kudos to Jumble Jeff for taking the time to meticulously depict both of these fictional bears in their native garments (though I’m assuming he also deserves blame for the unspeakable pun that is the puzzle’s answer). For many years I’ve found Smokey Bear’s habit of wearing jeans and a hat but no shirt deeply unsettling. I mean, if he weren’t wearing any clothes at all, that’d be one thing — he’s a bear, it’s natural enough — but wearing pants means that he casually performs his ranger duties topless, which is a little weird. Not until this moment, however, had I considered the full-on obscenity of Yogi Bear, who wears a hat and a collar and a tie and nothing else. Is he some kind of ursine Chippendale?

I’m also a little unsettled by this apparent superstar team-up between straight-arrow Smokey and known criminal Yogi. Do you think Smokey’s co-worker Ranger Smith feels hurt by this? I imagine that Smokey believes that he’ll teach Yogi about agriculture and that will stop the constant pic-a-nic basket theft. He’s going to be pretty disappointed.

Ziggy, 6/24/11

Ha ha, Ziggy doesn’t understand that in fancy finance talk “buying debt” just means “lending money.” Anyway, long story short, some mid-level member of the Chinese Communist Party is going to be the proud owner of Ziggy’s kidneys real soon now.

Pluggers, 6/24/11

Wait, can pluggers swear? I … I don’t think pluggers can swear. Pluggers complain about other people swearing. Young people. With the hip-hop music. And the baggy pants. And yet here’s a cuss, plain as day. I have to go lie down now.

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Gil Thorp, 6/15/11

Do you guys realize that we’re halfway through June and aren’t even close to finding out how the Milford baseball or softball teams are doing, let alone getting ramped up for the Gil Thorp summer insanity that we’ve been denied for the past few years but that’s going to happen this year, I just know it? Instead, the predictable teachers vs. sinister budget-slashing school-board lunatic storyline is rumbling to a predictable conclusion, with protest singer Al-Jo finally discovering that she’s got something to protest. What I find much more interesting is the fact that the strip creators are themselves apparently so bored with the proceedings that they’ve turned to a fractured narrative chronology to liven things up a bit. How did the dude who’s crushing on Al-Jo and whose name I refuse to even try to remember secure that stage and PA system? Let’s have a lightning-fast one-panel flashback to find out! Aaaand then back to the present. This is art, people.

Pluggers, 6/15/11

Pluggers take their mistresses to shitty fast food restaurants, so you can imagine how cheap and depressing their nights out with their wives are.

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Momma, 5/26/11

Momma is routinely awful to her children, and all of them are fairly unpleasant to her in return. It’s not clear which was the cause of the other, or if it’s just a sort of continuous feedback loop situation, but today we seem to have reached the inevitable moment when the Hobbes boys move from passive-aggressive comments to outright elder abuse. Still, it’s interesting to note that Thomas has shed his usual preppy garb for zubaz pants, a Charlie Brown-style t-shirt, and — horrors — a baseball cap, worn backwards. It’s almost as if he was unable to become a true monster like Francis unless he dressed the part.

Spider-Man, 5/26/11

Anyone who wants an introduction to the glory and pageantry that is the Spider-Man newspaper strip would do well to review the last couple weeks’ worth of action, which has consisted entirely of people arguing and then almost falling off of the roof before being saved at the last minute. Since Spidey only has enough web to save half of our bickering vampire couple, the fun might end soon. But wait, wasn’t the whole reason Spider-Man needed rescuing in the first place because his web-slinging was on the fritz? And can’t one of these vampire clowns fly, or at least glide? Is it really that hard to keep track of the continuity in this strip?

Mark Trail, 5/26/11

Yes, you can tell this emporium for expensive merchandise is quite popular with the kids. Just look who’s haunting the store: hip young people like the guy who modeled for The Scream (panel one) and the mayor of the Munchkin City (panel two).

Pluggers, 5/26/11

Whole teams of dedicated medical personnel are working around the clock just to keep pluggers alive. And why?