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Mary Worth, 2/12/10

Ha ha, look at Dawn’s face in panel one: she can barely contain her joy as this wave of class hatred washes over her. Lies and deceit? A father who never lived up to his responsibilities? A son who was rejected by his blood relatives because he came from the wrong side of the tracks? Whatever! Wilbur is HERS HERS HERS HERS again! It’s like Christmas! Thanks, spiteful and terrible old drunk lady! Dawn will never forget you!

Herb and Jamaal, 2/12/10

Wow, Herb and Jamaal has taken on an interesting new idea: making everyday sayings hilariously concrete. Either that, or Eula has finally decided to get rid of her hated son-in-law once and for all, by using a fast-acting muscular paralytic.

B.C., 2/12/10

Johnny Hart’s grandson Mason Mastroianni is less than three years into his gig as B.C. artist and already he’s gone mad with power, imagining himself as a wrathful God who keeps His creations quaking in constant terror.

Pluggers, 2/12/10

This is possibly the most depressing Pluggers every produced. Damn you, pluggers, I don’t care that your bodies are so ill-maintained that the mere thought of vigorous activity, sexual or otherwise, has you reaching for some kind of muscle-soothing unguent; I for one plan to take my clothes of for recreational purposes when I get old.

Of course, it’s possible that pluggers don’t have anything against sex per se, but simply find the combination of sex and nudity morally distasteful. Thus, they only get it on when their worn, greasy pajama pants develop holes in suitable locations.

Mark Trail 2/12/10

“Yeah, my doctor, he said, ‘Senator, you can’t just go around slapping people who irritate you, because one of these days someone’s going to beat the crap out of you and then you’ll probably die, you miserable old prick.'”

SAD AND DEPRESSING JUDGE PARKER UPDATE: Several readers wrote to tell me that it looks like Judge Parker artist Eduardo Barreto is gravely ill from meningitis and is unable to continue his duties on the soap strip. While I and others have poked fun at his, er, voluptuous ladies, I think we all appreciate his work on the strip, which is really unlike anything else on the comics page (with the possible exception of the art from his friend Graham Nolan on RMMD). I sincerely hope that Barreto’s health improves, and I know that it will be very difficult for King Features to find a replacement who will live up to what he’s done over the past few years.

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Spider-Man, 2/11/10

So after inviting himself along on his wife’s Florida trip, Spider-Man has spent most of his time visiting — or at least looking at and making stray comments about — other popular superheroes from Marvel Comics. Some of these characters will be appearing in action-packed films coming soon to a theater near you, while others have already starred in movies you can rent or own on DVD and Blu-Ray! Because Spidey is a super-powered ball of wholly justified self-loathing, what he’s mostly taken away from these encounters is that he really isn’t particularly necessary for the health and safety of New York City. And perhaps this is supposed to be a metaphor for the turmoil behind the scenes in the Spider-Man film series, with the director and all the main stars leaving and the rebooted franchise not reappearing until 2012 at the earliest. “It’s OK, corporate parent! Your Iron Mans and your Fantastic Fours will keep you afloat! I’ll just be … relaxing … in Miami … you won’t need me … ” [uncontrollable sobbing]

Of course, speaking of corporate parents, now that Marvel is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Walt Disney Company, Spidey might have other synergistic duties in his future, since Miami is just a few hours of tree-to-tree web slinging away from Orlando. “Gosh, it’s great that all those other superheroes are defending New York … so that I can enjoy a good time while standing guard here at Magic Kingdom® Park and Disney’s Hollywood Studios™! Look, there’s Mickey and Goofy, also on patrol!”

Pluggers, 2/11/10

Pluggers may not believe in evolution via the survival of the fittest, but they sure will be participating in it.

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Apartment 3-G, 2/5/10

OK, you guys, are you ready for a theory that will blow your mind? Huh? Are you?

Before I launch into said theory let me, for the benefit of relative newcomers, recap the Story of Margo. Margo was raised by her wealthy father Martin and his wife — who, it turns out, was not her mother. Her mother is Gabriella, a lowly maid, who Martin knocked up. When Margo found out this sordid tale as an adult, it wreaked havoc with her family life and ability to feel ordinary human emotions, obviously, and she seems deeply suspicious that her parents are palling around again.

And what about Martin’s wife, the one who, presumably, Margo thought of as her mother for most of her childhood, but who probably viewed Margo with some combination of horror and disgust? Well, we don’t really know much about her, other than her name, which is … Roberta.

What’s a common nickname for Roberta? Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Or, really, more specifically, are you thinking what the folks over at the Lovely Ladies of Apartment 3-G blog are thinking, who had the idea first? Is the cheating husband Bobbie is obsessively chasing Martin? Is that building across the street Gabriella’s? Is this glorious lunatic pill-popping shrink-screwing floozy the woman whose disdain and resentment shaped Margo into the woman she is today? Will this plotline end in a fantabulous one-on-one Bobbie-Margo battle that will result in the two of them resolving their differences and teaming up to destroy anyone in their way? I am giddy!

(And if you aren’t reading the Lovely Ladies of Apartment 3-G, well, why the heck not?)

Pluggers, 2/5/10

Pluggers pretty much go through life in a prescription med haze, so why shouldn’t their pets, too? It sure would keep the damn things from barking constantly and cutting into pluggers’ valuable staring-at-the-wall-and-drooling time! Plus, giving pills to animals is the sort of thing that seems hilarious when you’re high.

Beetle Bailey, 2/5/10

Meanwhile, the poor vendor who owns that cart is lying on some city sidewalk bleeding to death from a bayonet wound to the gut. But, whatever, that Sarge sure likes to eat, amiright?