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Mary Worth, 4/14/10

Oh ho, compulsive shopping, everybody! That’s what this Mary Worth storyline is about! Compulsive shopping at comically misspelled stores like “Maisie’s” (which is totally not at all related to Macy★s Department Stores, a brand that would never encourage its customers to spend beyond their means, ha ha, please don’t sue us). When all is said and done here, Mary might look back on this shopping expedition with a bit of guilt, but probably won’t because she lacks self-awareness of any kind.

By the way, Bonnie, I recommend that you take Mary up on her offer and formulate your own ideas on how she can help you break out of your terrible shopoholism. Any treatment plan she designs on her own will involve gathering her friends to berate and insult you until you kill yourself out of shame.

Apartment 3-G, 4/14/10

Sad as I am that this plotline will apparently end without a single shot being fired, I do sort of like the casual way Martin has taken advantage of Bobbie’s distraction to disarm her, almost as if this is a scenario that played out dozens of times during their marriage. In fact, it would be extra hilarious if he went upstairs and informed Gabriella that he and his wife had rediscovered the spark in their relationship and that his proposal to her was hereby retracted.

Margo, meanwhile, has presumably dozed off on the floor, just as she did as a kid when Roberta would get all pill-happy and gun-crazy. Doesn’t hanging out with our parents always bring us back to our childhood behaviors?

Mark Trail, 4/14/10

So not only has former blond Adonis Buzz Miller been turned prematurely white-haired, but now Senator Pimphand, who once sported a dignified grey mane that belied his propensity for violence, has now subsequently rediscovered the russet locks of his youth! I think that we may be onto something very big here: Senator Slaps-a-Lot is actually stealing the life-energy of his constituents, like poor Ranger Miller. This vampiristic misdeed will make Senator Other Senator’s little Endangered Species Steakhouse operation look like small potatoes.

Crankshaft, 4/14/10

I have no idea what Jeff’s terrible lopsided facial expression in the final panel is supposed to denote. I’m guessing it’s “Oh my God, I am physically incapable of not making terrible unfunny puns, please, somebody stop me, I hate myself so much,” but it may also be “I am so high on prescription drugs — which were, uh, ‘in the water supply’ — that I cannot feel my face.”

Pluggers, 4/14/10

Deep down, pluggers know that they cannot replace their long-lost intimate life with their spouses with eating, endless eating, but that won’t stop them from trying.

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Mary Worth, 4/10/10

Good lord, who is this person in the first panel supposed to be? Is it Mary, who, unbeknownst to all of us, has long, blonde tresses hidden under her forbidding white hair-helmet? Is it Tobey, who has finally snapped and gotten extensive facial surgery to look more like her meddling mentor? Or have the master and the apprentice merged into some kind of combined organism for terrible reasons we can only guess at?

Luann, 4/10/10

Ha ha, it was all a dream, everybody! I’m not sure whether the dream encompassed the entirety of this “Whitest West Side Story Ever” storyline or just the awkward post-performance party; either way, those who have been irritated by this plot have been rewarded with the most irritating sort of ending that narrative has to offer.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/10/10

So, sadly (by which I mean happily, but I have reached the point when I only can feel joy with the Funky Winkerbean characters are brought to unprecedented depths of misery), it looks like it’s just Montoni’s New York being shuttered, not the whole company as I had originally thought. Anyway, today we learn why New Yorkers were hesitant to embrace Westview-style pizza: the “inventory” apparently left sitting around a shuttered store in unrefrigerated boxes is still fit to at least give away, meaning that it’s almost certainly made entirely of science chemicals. Mmm, preservatives from the heartland! Taste what you’re missing, urban elitists!

Pluggers, 4/10/10

Pluggers are out and proud about their sexuality, but their compulsive eating invariably sends them into a shame spiral.

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Crock, 4/9/10

You have to give a certain amount of credit to a strip that knows its limitations. Crock has repeatedly shown that it is unable to depict supposedly attractive characters as anything other than mangle-faced horrors; thus, to preserve our illusions about Otis’s adorable little girlfriend, it’s best that the strip has chosen to position her so she remains mostly unseen. If only the creators had been wise enough to similarly hide the fact that none of them have a clue what the hell an “iTunes” is.

Shoe, 4/9/10

I know that being one of the birds of Shoe means being cynical and world-weary about everything, but I hope that if I’m ever informed that the spirit of a dead loved one is attempting to communicate with me from beyond the grave, I would respond with something other than a belligerent “So?”

Pluggers, 4/9/10

Pluggers know that “copy editing” is for big city elitists.