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Mary Worth, 12/12/09

As predicted, Mary Worth has made what should by all rights be a spectacular storyline boring in near-record time, mostly by showing us endless shots of Wilbur typing instead of treating us to mid-70s college flashbacks. Still, there are some moments of visual interest in today’s strip, mostly centering around Wilbur’s crimes against ergonomics. In panel one, he’s somehow managed to get his chest all the way up the keyboard, forcing his elbows behind his back as he types the phrase every young man wants to hear — “I’m probably not your dad, but your mom was an amazing lay back in college.” In panel two, the desk seems to have miraculously dropped by two or three inches, which explains why Wilbur’s fingers are just flailing about in the air two inches above the keyboard.

Ziggy, 12/12/09

Last year around this time, I pointed out how creepy it was for a man with no pants to wait in line to see Santa. Today we learn what’s even creepier: a man with no pants standing off to the side and silently watching kids sit on Santa’s lap. Just the thought of it is apparently making Santa weep in disgust.

Mark Trail, 12/12/09

While I suppose it’s swell that Mark is going to great lengths to save Rusty’s life and all, don’t you think he’s a little too excited about all this breaking and entering and smashing windows and what not? I mean, look at that face in the second panel: drenched with sweat, eyes wide and crazed — Mark hasn’t had this much fun in his life! In fact, it was wholly unnecessary for him to dramatically throw that old barrel though the store’s front window, as Mark is more than capable of kicking any door down. One begins to wonder if the whole “jacking the car up on sand as a playful dog scampers about” scenario was a set-up to allow Mark to go on this vandalistic rampage.

Pluggers, 12/12/09

Pluggers are so scandalized by extremely mild swear words that they bowdlerize classic movie quotes, even in their own minds.

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Mark Trail, 12/9/09

Oh, yeah, there’s an “old store” “a little way back,” surrre, Mark. I’m pretty sure that this is where the rationalizing about abandoning Rusty to be drowned/eaten begins. “He can’t feel his foot, that means gangrene has probably started to set in … a boy with only one leg can’t survive in the wild, it would be cruel to get him out now. And I’m sure drowning after the tide raises the water level up inch by inch over a matter of hours until it’s above your head is a very relaxing way to go — why, you probably don’t even notice it! Now, to hitchhike back to Lost Forest. I’ll tell everyone Rusty was taken in by a family of friendly swamp folk, I’m sure they’ll buy it.”

Phantom, 12/9/09

So, as a surprise to nobody, Mrs. The Phantom was not actually killed by a terrorist bomb, but has instead been secretly thrown into prison in some case of deliberate mistaken identity. Today’s installment is notable mostly because it seems to indicate that V for Vendetta has come up on somebody’s Netflix queue.

Pluggers, 12/9/09

Pluggers know that the love of an adorable moppet is a load of crap when compared to sweet, sweet, life-giving pills.

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Mark Trail, 11/21/09

Bob sure seems to know that the best way to get into Mark’s good graces is to do violence to the faces of the enemies of wildlife. But is he trying a little too hard? I mean, the kicking-two-bad-guys-in-the-face-while-dangling-from-a-tree-limb move … it makes Mark’s right cross seem a little pedestrian, doesn’t it? Maybe that’s why he’s engaging in casual conversation as he gets his fisticuffs on. Of course, orangeshirt and yellowshirt are still standing in panel two, so perhaps Mark is grateful for the opportunity to show that vigilante justice is best dished out by hands, not feet, and specifically by the knuckle part of the hands.

Mary Worth, 11/22/09

Mary’s tiny, pinpoint pupils in panel two, as she slathers platitude upon platitude onto a poor woman who she’s already bent to her will, really demonstrate why Mary does what she does. Meddling for her directly activates the pleasure centers of her brain more powerfully than any narcotic you can name.

Luann, 11/21/09

Ha ha, you can try to de-exoticize yourself all you want, Quill, but Luann will attempt to “share her bounty” with you whether you want her to or not — possibly during Thanksgiving dinner, when her mom is distracted by making sure Brad and Toni are at least six inches apart at all times.

Pluggers, 11/21/09

Pluggers don’t believe in “legal rights” or “due process” or a bunch of namby-pamby crap like that. When pluggers take over, there will be an 11 o’clock curfew, for everyone, with summary execution for those who disobey.