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Slylock Fox, 8/29/06

Ah, what a cute little game in which little kids can hone their powers of observation … and learn that adorable, tiny mice live in a world of constant fear, knowing that at any moment a powerful predator might swoop down out of the darkness and rip their frail bodies apart with its ravenous beak and razor-sharp claws, devouring them so quickly that they’re no doubt still alive as they slide down its gullet. By extension, kids also learn that the world is full of things that are powerful and threatening, and that they have no hopes of surviving in it, and so should just stay inside their safe, suburban homes, never taking risks or exploring, until eventually they graduate from college with no life skills or sense of wonder or adventure. Slylock Fox: Breeding a generation of weaklings since 1987.

Pluggers, 8/29/06

Stupid Plugger! There’s no porn in there!

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Pluggers, 8/28/06

I have nothing particularly hateful to say about today’s Pluggers, which is a good thing, because “Jason Rhea” of “Littleton, CO” is none other than Comics Curmudgeon faithful reader and occasional commentor Racing Js! So, congrats, Jason, on being the first Curmdgeoner Cardinal (but not, we hope the last) to get your home-spun wisdom enacted by freakish beast-persons.

Meanwhile, the comics’ other great reader-entry feature is proving itself to be a tougher nut to crack.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 8/28/06

Could this be the most cold-hearted TDIET yet? Allow me to paraphrase: “When he was healthy and in the prime of his life, Grandpa Croaker enjoyed his body’s youthful strength, and thought nothing of walking from place to place. But now that the ravages of age have broken down his joints and sucked the energy from his soul — howzat? — he’d prefer not to walk if he doesn’t have to.” The name “Croaker” is just piling on, letting us know that his inability to walk to the corner is a herald of his swiftly impending death. Oh yeah!

Gil Thorp, 8/28/06

Last summer, square-headed superteen Von Hanley managed to defeat a stalker with just a bunch of flashlights and his quick wits; this year, he, Marty, and Mandy, presumably after repeated viewing of The Sting, are apparently conspiring together to grift the grifter, and prove that two wrongs really do make a right. Since golf isn’t Von’s forte, and our three wannabe hustlers probably have about 130 IQ points between them, I have to assume that once Mandy arrives, she and Marty are just going to hold Ben Franklin down while Von administers a savage beatdown with his $4 Salvation Army putter.

For Better Or For Worse, 8/28/06

God damn, is Liz going to have all of her problems solved by women leaving their husbands?

By the way, Liz is way, way too excited about the opportunity to teach little suburban children. Yeah, it’s her life dream and blah blah blah, but you can’t tell me that any job short of, oh, I don’t know, the Governor General’s Official Fluffy Kitten Petter And Delicious Chocolate Eater would generate the kind of deranged enthusiasm portrayed here. No, her over-the-top reaction to a mere interview (which magically morphs into a job offer the moment she hangs up the phone), combined with her freakishly dilated pupils, the slovenly nature of her hovel, and her inability to focus on one thing long enough to pour her mac and cheese out of the pot and into a bowl can indicate only one thing about Liz: she’s all methed up. I for one look forward to the heartbreaking lessons about drug abuse that we’re about to learn.

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Pluggers, 8/3/06

Sooo … Grandma’s a Plugger, daughter-in-law isn’t? Oooh, mixed marriage: edgy. Daughter-in-law is wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase, so she’s clearly some sort of ball-breaking feminist lesbian professional woman. I see a kidnapping/multi-state chase in the near future, followed by a circus trial in which the “a working mother is by definition a child abuser” argument serves as the main defense.

Mary Worth, 8/3/06

Of course, they had to clean it up for the funny pages. I have it on pretty good authority that this is what Mary actually said:

“Is this some sort of motherfucking joke? Huh? Does it look like I’m motherfucking laughing to you, motherfucker? Get your punk-ass hands away from me!”

And then it just sort of goes on like that for a while.

Even without the cussing, I think I can say with some confidence that there’s only one other person in the last two years who’s made Mary this mad:

That’s right: Aldo Kelrast is now officially as awesome a Mary Worth character as Rita Begler. After a lull of some months, this strip is back on top of its ridonculous game.

Gil Thorp, 8/3/06

“That’s right, on my legs! My long, smooth, totally unscarred legs! So you see, we’re really a lot alike, except in all the ways that actually matter for this discussion. What I’m trying to say is, I want you to wear this bag over your head at the next meet.”

Dick Tracy, 8/3/06

“Thanks for showing me the outside of your wallet, detective! I’ll do anything you say now.”