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Folks, sometimes you look at the day’s comics and … you just can’t think of much to say about them! In fact, sometimes the most you can muster is, like the title says: three sentences about three panels.

Dennis the Menace, 10/14/20

Dennis said a cuss!

The Lockhorns, 10/14/20

Leroy’s mechanic talks about his car like it’s a human body — and because this is The Lockhorns, it’s not in a sexy way, like you might expect.

Pluggers, 10/14/20

“This right here is a plugger chat room,” pluggers say smugly, apparently not realizing that no non-pluggers have used or even thought about “chat rooms” for more than a decade.

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Funky Winkerbean, 10/13/20

Those of us fated by the gods to read Funky Winkerbean daily just have to accept the fact that there was a brief window at the very beginning of the strip’s history when it was actually fun and wacky, and understand that character names like “Funky Winkerbean,” “Bull Bushka” (RIP), and “Les Moore” are relics from that earlier, zanier time, even though now we have to somehow deal with sentences like “Funky Winkerbean is slowly dying of prostate cancer” or “Bull Bushka had CTE and committed suicide by driving off a cliff.” But if you’re going to do grim-ass plots like “Adeela is going to be deported due to a bureaucratic mixup,” for the love of Christ do not introduce a brand new character with an on-the-nose punny name like “Amicus Breef.” Get it, because he’s a lawyer! Ha ha!

Pluggers, 10/13/20

I’m sorry this plugger subscribes to a sad newspaper that can’t even afford wire service stock photos of celebs for its celebrity birthday list, but I also sincerely believe that lots of pluggers everywhere are the last ones left making Borat voice “MY WIFE” jokes.

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Hagar the Horrible and Beetle Bailey, 10/12/20

Hope you had a good weekend, everybody! Hagar and his band of grinning Vikings are going to murder these two in their bed. Sarge, meanwhile, is going to murder Beetle with a tank, though it’s not clear if he’s going to disintegrate his body by firing an artillery shell at him at point blank range or just crush him to death under the tank treads.

Mark Trail, 10/12/20

In happier news, it’s new-look Mark Trail day one, y’all! Wow, just last week Mark was getting a big fat raise just for winning some dumb industry award he didn’t even show up to collect, but now he’s off in the woods handling snakes and desperately trying to come up with some viral TikTok content that the kids can relate to. Sad!

Gil Thorp, 10/12/20

Oh hell yeah it’s another Wing-T storyline!!!! You might remember way back in 2007 when one of the shittiest Milford football teams in living memory sort of threw in the towel halfway threw the season and spent a lot of time practicing the Wing-T, an old-timey trickeration play, in total secrecy, to prepare to unleash it at just the right moment. They did, eventually, and it turned out to be boring and confusing, but whatever, this isn’t your father’s Wing-T they’re practicing now, it’s the Delaware Wing-T, which means, uh, there’s no taxes on it or something? More on this story as it develops.

Pluggers, 10/12/20

Gotta say, I’ve been reading Pluggers for more than 15 years and never once in all that time did it occur to me to think about whether the plugger chicken-lady had scaly orange chicken legs under her pants or if she was just basically a humanoid with a chicken head and covered with feathers. But now? Now that I know the answer? I’m going to think about it every God-damned day for the rest of my life.