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So ends the Comics Curmudgeon Summer 2018 Fundraiser. Thank you, generous readers!

Mark Trail, 7/7/18

“Hello, boys and girls, and welcome to World of Animals. I’m your host Terrapene carolina yucatana; call me Carl. Looks like Mark and Rusty will be tied up for a while, so let’s take this time to explore Nature Facts from the wonderful World of Animals!”

Mutts, 7/7/18

“Did you know that a possum will eat a waffle if one is available? I mean, they’re marsupials, but they’re not stupid!“

Pluggers, 7/7/18

“Did you know that, like turtles, many birds have excellent color vision? It’s true! In the 1950’s scientist George Wald isolated the visual pigment iodopsin by surgically removing the eyes from thousands of chicken heads obtained from a Massachusetts slaughterh … what? Oh, sorry.”

“All right then, kids, let’s check in with everybody’s Favorite Furry Fascist, Slylock Fox!”

Slylock Fox, 7/7/18

“Wait a minute, something’s wrong here. Skateboarding is strictly prohibited on public sidewalks, for the protection of slower-moving species! And I don’t see a tax stamp on those sugary drinks! Finally, are those plastic straws? These skaters belong in jail, and I’d say a certain mammal isn’t doing his job!”

Sherman’s Lagoon, 7/7/18

“Now it’s time for our special segment, Animals and Technology. Bandwidth capacity is increasing without limit, so unless something is done quickly the entire Internet will soon fill up completely with cats! Do your part to avert catastrophe, by viewing adorable turtle videos instead. Thank you!”

Red and Rover, 7/7/18

“Well, that’s all we have time for today. Tune in again next time, and thank you for being kind to animals!”

— Turtle Carl, for Uncle Lumpy

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Gil Thorp, 6/22/18

So here’s the difference between Barry Bader and his dad: Barry has an incredibly abrasive and confrontational attitude all the time, but especially when he’s unloading some truly noxious and self-serving opinions like “Everyone’s pretending Boo Radley was so nice just because she’s dead but actually she was kind of sarcastic” and “Everyone is mean to me because I’m short.” But Del has a much slicker and smoother aspect, even in prison, allowing him to seem somewhat more amiable as he drops truth bombs like “I started the accident, but that other guy finished it” and “D’you ever notice that people find the deaths of innocent teenagers with their whole lives ahead of them particularly repellent?” That’s the attitude that made him the Valley’s number one chemical solvents salesman, right up until he killed someone with his car.

Mark Trail, 6/22/18

Ha ha, Howard Carter certainly is an old tomb raider! Specifically, he was born in 1874, making him 144 years old — quite old indeed! — and the tomb he raided was King Tut’s. Probably he was cursed with one of those ironic immortality deals, but he actually seems pretty chipper at the moment, perhaps because he’s lured another set of sacrificial victims to sate the appetites of the universal Dark Pyramid God he serves. If this story doesn’t climax with the reappearance of “Dirty”’s erstwhile pharaonic pal (surely it takes more than a little light stabbing to dispatch an 4,000-year-old Egyptian God-king) I will be very upset at the missed opportunity!

Pluggers, 6/22/18

Ha ha, it’s funny because pluggers resent their wives and don’t want to spend time with them!

Beetle Bailey, 6/22/18

Ha ha, it’s funny because General Halftrack will soon be shitting uncontrollably!

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Dick Tracy, 6/20/18

Oh, right, so it turns out Sawtooth wasn’t at Rocky Horror for fun, but for work, his work being to bite Ygor Glitch to death, in a room that isn’t exactly brightly lit but is very crowded and probably if some dude had his throat suddenly torn open by some other dude’s metal teeth … I dunno, people would notice? Exactly how orgiastic and crazed does the Dick Tracy creative team think Rocky Horror showings are, anyway? Having been to one, I feel confident in saying that a particularly gruesome murder would draw some attention. What does ring true is that the Rocky Horror kids would snidely refer to Dick by the actually funny name of the in-universe comic strip about him, which was a thing that I had forgotten was a thing but is honestly great.

Hagar the Horrible, 6/20/18

Look, Hagar, I get that, after a hundred savage raids in your life, you’re bored with just stabbing people to death. But how many people have you managed to kill or paralyze by hurling them from the top of their own castles, while Eddie and the rest of your men go at it with their swords? Is this really the most efficient way to go about this?

Pluggers, 6/20/18

I’m pretty sure the plugger cat-man doesn’t have a wife? That may be why he looks so startled here. He’s never heard any of this before!