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Dick Tracy, 10/18/17

Awww, yeah, the Space Coupe is back! And maybe with it some of the batshit energy of the 1970s Dick Tracy — no more of this “fake Abe Lincoln audio recording” crap that was the focus of the recent storyline. I’m not sure if there are multiple Space Coupes or if this is the same one where villains from three years ago suffocated to death. Maybe this blue dude is some space alien who found their corpses and decided to joy ride their spaceship back to its planet of origin for a little light interplanetary conquest. Looks like he’s already discovered one of Earth’s finest products already: delicious tobacco! Like all spacecraft built in the ’70s, the Space Coupe came equipped with a designated Camel Containment Unit, to ensure that the mildness levels in the astronauts’ T-Zones didn’t drop to unhealthy levels.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/18/17

Man, that’s … not was doxxing is? Doxxing is when someone who was previously anonymous or pseudonymous online has their real identity revealed, or when you post personal contact information for someone who doesn’t want it posted. Posting fake news articles about someone is … well, it probably has some other dumb fake Internet word for it, but “doxxing” isn’t it. The future is stupider than anyone could’ve possibly predicted.

Marvin, 10/18/17

Look, we spend a lot of time dwelling on the poop jokes in Marvin, but there’s something else important about the strip to keep in mind, which is that over the past decade or so it’s expanded beyond the core Miller family to add new characters (grandparents, talking pets, grandparents’ talking pets), all of whom, without exception, are embedded in a mutual web of loathing for everyone who’s ever appeared in the strip.

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Gil Thorp, 10/17/17

[unspoken, but shown to be true in the final panel] “…or, I could tell you, but then you’ll realize that it’s just four incredibly banal and nonspecific sentences that carry no real information and would be extremely dull to you and your listeners. I care about you, Marty, I really do. I don’t want your show to be cancelled. I know that giving you this faux-aggressive response is better for you than actually answering your question. I’m doing this for you, and the saddest thing is that I can never tell you and you can never know.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/17/17

Oh, so you think comics art forgery is boring, huh? What about, uh, fake news? Yeah, fake news! Really ripped from the headlines, huh? The real headlines! Plus, cyberbullying! This storyline is totally extremely relevant now!!!

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Mary Worth, 10/15/17

Today’s Mary Worth is mostly a hilarious rehash of a hilarious week for the Sunday crowd, but there is one new bit of information: in the first panel in the third row, Wilbur reveals that he’s so anxious and anhedonic that he needs to be intoxicated just to experience the basic levels of enjoyment that most humans normally feel when listening to music. See, we’ve all been marveling at the improbable pairing of Wilbur and Fabiana, but unlike all of you shallow people, she’s managed to look past his dweebish exterior to really understand and appreciate his thoroughly unappealing personality.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/15/17

Not so fast, kid: the real monster here is the masses’ ignorance of the finer points of 1950s horror comics artistry, a shameful deficit in our education system that allows online forgers to flourish. Really makes you think, doesn’t it?