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Apartment 3-G, 9/16/15

Hey, remember when Eric and Margo met? That was when she invited herself to a party Lu Ann and Tommie were going to and then waggled her business card in his face. Later, she seduced him by wearing an extremely sexy hat. But now … now he’s worried. Just because she doesn’t know where she is or what’s happening or how money works! I mean, you spent years in Tibet, Eric, a country that very much definitely has telephone service, without bothering to tell anyone you were alive, so don’t get so high and mighty, mister.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/16/15

Awww, it seems like Hugh really is going to be the villain of this story after all. Remember, his last allies, the Chinese, tried to blow him up, so I can’t wait to see what the Indians do to him.

Gil Thorp, 9/16/15

YES YES YES MARTY MOON’S GOING TO BE USED AND HAVE HIS EMOTIONS TOYED WITH AND HIS HEART BROKEN YESSSSSS

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/13/15

Oh, boy, everybody, Milton’s son Hugh is back! I barely touched on him in my summary of the last Avery International storyline a couple weeks ago, but trust me: Hugh is hilarious. He tried to take over the company once, already! He was so annoying that Rex decided to mess up his schemes, not out of feelings of friendship for Heather but out of pure spite! He wandered around a parking garage aimlessly with Rex, then had to sit in the Morgans’ ice-cream befouled car! He doesn’t even like his dad, with good reason! He doesn’t really understand what a nurse is! He insulted June’s wine! He flailed around amusingly when he realized he’d been scammed! He got hilariously drunk and maudlin, and was subsequently hilariously hungover! He pathetically begged June to be nice to him! He was visibly unsettled when his stepmother practically flashed him, but soldiered on with his apology! He almost got blown up! Then … I actually don’t know how it ended up with him? I thought he and Heather sort of made up, but now he’s trying to take the company away from her again? Or maybe this is another Avery son, in which case I’m going to feel pretty dumb for having spent the last half an hour hunting down all those links. Anyway, just to remind you that the person attempting to gain control of the company by marshaling support among the stockholders who ultimately own it is the bad guy in this storyline, and we’re supposed to be rooting for the person who had her mentally incompetent husband appoint her a company director.

Mark Trail, 9/13/15

“People aren’t born being naturally afraid of snakes! They learn to be afraid of them when they find out that many of them can inject you with deadly poison with their long, terrifying fangs. Anyway, you know who isn’t afraid of snakes? Mongooses! That’s because snake venom doesn’t affect them. You should probably be afraid of snakes, though. THEY HAVE MOTHERFUCKING POISON TEETH”

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Gil Thorp, 9/9/15

If there’s one thing Gil Thorp does well, it’s call back to beloved (?) characters from the past, so as soon as it became clear that we were supposed to know who Holly Dobbs is, I Googled “holly dobbs gil thorp” and … guys. Guys. This article from 1993 says that Holly Dobbs is GIL’S EX-GIRLFRIEND, a former Milford English teacher/aspiring actor who he was about to propose to when she got cast in a play in fancy New York City and left Milford behind her … forever. Or, you know, for 38 years, since that story ran in newspapers in 1967. But now she’s back and I sincerely hope that the implications of both this strip and this strip hold, i.e., that she was secretly also dating Marty during her Milford life, and that now, with her acting career dead, she’s returning to teach high school as some sort of awful reality show stunt, meaning the hot Gil-Holly-Marty love triangle action will be broadcast to fans nationwise.

Archie, 9/9/15

It’s kind of weird that this whole strip is just bathed in a urine-colored omnipresent glow, but if you were a colorist confronted with Archie strip where the joke involves Jughead stink-breathing “VICTOR HUGO,” and also, completely out of character, recognizing a Victor Hugo quote, you too might decide that you don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Mary Worth, 9/9/15

“I mean, not literally. That would’ve been great! I could’ve used that card to rent a room at a nice hotel! Instead I have to hide out here with you, ugh.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/9/15

“I’ll see what I can do! About the patriarchy, I mean. I’m a former nanny who married her way into the upper corporate echelons, so I’m trying to bring it down from the inside.”

Crankshaft, 9/9/15

I’m starting to think Ralph Meckler’s probably not going to win this election, guys.