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Dropping even the pretense that kids read them anymore, the comics turn at last to porn.

Popeye, 3/17/12

Sea Hag cooks up a scheme to defeat Popeye using a sex robot. HEH, HEH!

Judge Parker, 3/17/12

The Judge Parker girls ‘n’ guns fetish epic rushes toward its climax, reeking of perfume, sweat, and cordite:

Monique Zatari @hitgal d fahimwife4: OMG 3way @bustybower — u in? Bring yr GUN srsly k?

April Bower @bustybower d sexysanchez: Got a live one here with @hitgal — come packing! Hurry!

Ofc. Melody Jones @sweetsong d dispatch: I hear murmuring — coming from inside the house!    I’m going in!

Gloria Sanchez @sexysanchez d junebug: Hott scene @bustybower — ditch Rex; bring Glock.

Rex Morgan M.D., 3/17/12

Oh Rex, Rex, Rex, you’re doing it all wrong. “Put on the apron” means the apron only. Also, you’re supposed to be holding a spatula not that damn cookie, and those spank lines shouldn’t be coming from her head. I swear you are just hopeless.

June, dear, if you hurry maybe you can catch the action over at April’s? Bring yr GUN srsly k?

June Morgan @junebug d sexysanchez: Beats anything I got here — see you soon, mmmmm…

Rex Morgan @imthebig @nikitoy: Thot @junebug would never leave — got time for a “lesson”? I made cookies!

“Oh, wait … I guess I really mean ‘d nikitoy’, don’t I … OH CRAP NOT AGAIN!”

Apartment 3-G, 3/17/12

Scott negotiates for an afternoon of Naughty Baby roleplay and gets in waaaaay over his head.

I’m sitting in this week while Josh takes a vacation — no fundraiser this time around, but that “Donate” button still works whenever the spirit moves you. You can reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net with any site administration issues.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Marvin, 3/5/12

Today’s Marvin actually raises some interesting philosophical questions! What does Marvin’s mom mean exactly when she says her child is “old enough to know better”? From panel one, it’s clear that he’s reached the point in his cognitive development where he’s capable of constructing rudimentary tools to get what he wants; does she believe that the ability to control one’s environment ought to coincide with an understanding of how such control might conflict with the prevailing ethical system? That might be theoretically elegant, but perhaps she’s encountering a sociobiological counterpoint to that argument, in which our inbuilt desires run wildly ahead of the layer of civilizing rules we’ve created to try to restrain them, and the only recourse is punishment. Getting old does stink, Marvin, as it means learning to say no to the fun things we’ve just learned how to do, to keep total chaos at bay.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/5/12

Rex is trying to short-circuit this whole storyline and skip ahead to the part where he gets to stop caring about everything. “Too bad we don’t know any screenwriters! And really, where would we even find such people? They’re like reclusive monks, toiling away in secret. Best to drop the whole thing. Say, this is some pretty delicious yogurt!”

Gil Thorp, 3/5/12

Since Gil benched one of his star players to make a point about mild tattoo-related shenanigans (that point being “Gil doesn’t like your cultural practices, young people”), the Mudlarks have lost their first chance at a championship in years. I like the third panel because it demonstrates that some kids buy Gil’s inspirational bullshit and some don’t. Blond kid on right: “He’s right! I can feel my character being built by this heartbreaking, unnecessary defeat!” Dark-haired kid on left: “Enh, no, I still would have rather won the game. Think I’ll go get some tattoos that reflect my new grim worldview.”

Six Chix, 3/5/12

So these ladies are supposed to be … lady mobsters? That’s what their outfits are meant to convey to us? And they’ve murdered someone, for tweeting? But that — oh, look at the time, I’ve spent far too long contemplating this Six Chix, now I think I’ll go do anything else.

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Jumble, 2/22/12

Oh, look, beloved Jumble artist Jumble Jeff appears to have put me in prison, again! Fun fact about me: one of my few recurring nightmares is that I’m about to be sent away to prison for some indeterminate crime, and I’m full of dread and terror about it. That’s probably why I developed my jailhouse strategy of becoming a prison librarian, which was dashed a few years ago when I learned that prison librarians are actually employees of the local library system and not prisoners themselves. This cartoon simultaneously raises another possible strategy — becoming a member of a prison drama club — and dashes it, as “creative differences” clearly would lead to a shiv to the gut in short order.

Rex Morgan, 2/22/12

Leave it to Rex Morgan, M.D., to somehow bring organ sales into the plotline in the most simultaneously gross and boring way! Yesterday we learned that Mabel offered part of her liver to her ex-(husband? lover? still haven’t figured this out) if he would move back in with her and stop drinking. I think Rex has this dynamic 100% wrong! She’s not selling her liver-chunk, she’s bribing someone with it! Is it a crime to bribe someone with a chunk of your liver? Is this all our Congress has to do with its time, making it illegal for us to literally slice apart our internal organs and offer them to old drunks in exchange for love and cohabitation and sobriety? I guess democracy really has failed, by God.

Mary Worth, 2/22/12

There’s nothing I like better after a big promotion than putting my hands behind my head, leaning back, thinking evil thoughts, and then somehow rearranging my facial features so I look like a completely different person! (Ha ha, just kidding, I’ve never gotten a “big promotion” in my life.) How do you think Nola “earned” that office, hmm? Was it a sex thing? A cruelty thing? A cruel sex thing? I’m betting on cruel sex thing, myself.

Beetle Bailey, 2/22/12

Believe it or not, this Beetle Bailey strip actually works on a number of levels! If you want to get to its intended destination — ha ha, General Halftrack is extremely old — you could laugh along with Miss Buxley’s evocation of an archaic form of rifle that she implies the General once fired in combat, or you could just notice that he appears to have dozed off in his office chair in the middle of the workday.