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Six Chix, 8/24/19

Never mind joy, that blouse is sparking some serious anger. I’d love to know the backstory here: was the blouse a gift from an ex before a bitter breakup? A reminder of some humiliating public wardrobe malfunction? A hand-me-down from a hated elder sister? Or is she just feeling resentful at being pushed around by some weepy co-dependent rag? Jeez, lady, it hasn’t fit you in fifteen years!

Judge Parker, 8/24/19

First-time offender Alan Parker confessed, before any charges were filed, that he helped Norton here fake his own death. What is that, worst case maybe honest services fraud? But the judge in the case — a former colleague of Parker’s — denied his request for bail and threw him in the penitentiary until his trial. And now Norton plans to unwind all that by lying to the court that he made him do it?

Neddy wrote this, right? It’s a plot twist and we’re just reading her screenplay. Please?

Mark Trail, 8/24/19

Pluggers

Sally Forth, 8/24/19

Jackie wants to buy “Small Wonders,” her friend/boss Tasha’s vanity business. She hasn’t done the research. She hasn’t talked to the necessary people. She is still Sally’s lost little sister.

Jackie is the Fredo Corleone of Sally Forth, making Sally its Michael and Ted its … no no no, that won’t work at all; let me start over …

— Uncle Lumpy

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It’s last day of the Comics Curmudgeon 2019 Summer Fundraiser! Urgent! Ending soon! Don’t delay! Hurry!

Six Chix, 8/23/19

Dear Lady: Cat no ask be pet. You make cat pet! Cat is cat: leave cat be.

Between Friends, 8/23/19

The clerk hasn’t found a job that values her creative writing degree, but she hasn’t lost her gift for concise metaphor, either.

Mary Worth, 8/23/19

“Dear Glum Gina — Yes, I read Mary Worth, too. Don’t get your hopes up.”

Family Circus, 8/23/19

“Someday,” Jeffy says, “someday the strip will be mine, and I’ll show the world how it really was back then, growing up. How he was, sitting in the back seat across from me, counting the cars as we passed and yammering on about every … damn … one. And then again in the restaurant, unspooling those endless hours of drivel in reverse, car by car. Back then I couldn’t do anything more than turn my head to shut him out. But someday the strip will be mine. I’ll show them all, and everyone will know.”

— Uncle Lumpy

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It’s the Comics Curmudgeon 2019 Summer Fundraiser! Thank you, generous reader!

Six Chix, 8/21/19

1. “And ostriches run fast, so I’m hoping to best you in this competition!”
2. “So perhaps I have my head in the sand about my athletic abilities.”
3. “The better to kick the crap out of you, my dear!”
4. “That’s why this punchline laid an egg!”

Dustin, 8/21/19

All week these folks have been getting bummed out by the news. A word of advice, Dustin people — stay away from the comics!

Funky Winkerbean, 8/21/19

“Well, of course you’re the only colorist they have. Until you get replaced by some Bangladeshi outsourcer! Or some discount freelancer on Fiverr! But hey: I hear you’re engaged to be married to Mopey Pete! God, your life sucks! I’m so grateful to be old and near death.”

Hi and Lois, 8/21/19

“Nature, red in tooth and claw” seems a little off-brand for Hi and Lois.

— Uncle Lumpy