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Slylock Fox, 5/16/12

Here is a sad story from Josh’s past: When I was in seventh grade I had a big crush on this girl in my class, but being a terrifically shy nerd I never actually tried talking to her or interacting with her in any way; I just looked at her all moon-eyed for most of the daily duration of our Social Studies class, during which she sat just a row ahead of me and one seat to the right. One day after about five months of this, instead of rushing off as usual she hung back after class, came up to me, and looked at me intently. With my heart pounding, I could barely believe it when she finally said the words I had been waiting for: “I want you to stop staring at me.”

It turns out that, according to the scientifically unimpeachable facts presented in Slylock Fox, staring intently at someone is not considered an appropriate mating habit among primates! In fact, it makes you a creepy weirdo. I can only hope that this cartoon equips the awkward seventh graders of today with information they can use.

Blondie, 5/16/12

Call me dumb, or slow to pick up on insulting canine metaphors, or something, but it took me a minute to parse the “Ha ha, Blondie is talking about Dagwood like he’s a dog” joke here, primarily because I don’t believe that a “great sense of humor” is considered a dog stereotype? I mean, I understand that the rule of comedy threes requires Blondie to wedge something in after “loyal and well-groomed” that isn’t the punchline “terrific hearing” but might still be said to apply to both potential husbands and potential pets. I admit that coming up with one is tricky. Could it be something about ball-licking, maybe?

Anyway, kudos to the artist for realizing that the off-panel ARF! wouldn’t work if it weren’t clear that the Bumstead family pet weren’t the one ARFing. Daisy looks as if she were actually intended to be in the background from the strip’s conception, or at least has been composited in later with a reasonable amount of skill.

Garfield, 5/16/12

Yes, he exists in the service of a (blessedly subtle) poop joke, but I have to admit that I’m really charmed by this fly-prophet, crazed in messianic ecstasy and willing to invite anyone of any species to the promised land.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/16/12

Good Lord, Smifs, you didn’t think these insatiable chew-rodents would really obey your so-called “laws,” did you? In retrospect, mankind wished a more effectively organized community had been on the front line in the first phase of the bloody Human-Beaver Wars.

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 4/22/12

Well, it’s about time that a member of the Slylock Fox rogues gallery started fighting back against the cruel dictatorship of ratiocination that’s always keeping them down; and I’m enough of a speciesist to be glad to see that it’s Slick Smitty, the lone human recurring character in this strip full of anthropomorphic insanity. Still, it’s unsurprising to see that he’s not getting a fair trial here by this all-animal jury, who all appear enraptured by Slylock’s blatantly classist argument. “Remember, a true gentleman would have offered his right hand for a handshake. By crudely thrusting his left hand at me, Slick Smitty proved he was no gentleman. Didn’t he deserve to have his delicate metacarpals crushed by my powerful vulpine paw?”

Mary Worth, 4/22/12

I know it’s a fairly small aspect of this plot, I’m a little worried about Dan Smithers, the man whom Nola lied about in order to get his job. Do you really think he’s going to get his job back? How’s that conversation going to go? “Hey, Prez, I know that you were willing to fire me for embezzlement based only on the say-so of your underling who you were sleeping with, and who stood to benefit by my removal, but I’m willing to let bygones be bygones and establish an incredibly awkward working relationship with you! Oh, FYI, since I left I developed a drinking problem.”

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Slylock Fox, 4/16/12

The most hilarious Slylock Fox mystery solutions are the ones that rely on animal biology. I mean, in practice all Slylock mysteries actually rely on just arresting the only suspiciously named serial criminal who appears in the strip and/or assuming that anyone who’s been accused of a crime is in fact guilty, but the details needed to trump up charges against these people are always important, and so it’s great when those details involve, say, the average heart rate of a typical rat. The typical rat, of course, does not walk on its hind legs, wear clothes or “bad to the bone”-style sunglasses, live in a house, or grow to a freakishly enormous size. Rats also do not usually have the cognitive ability to either deliberately sabotage advanced traffic management systems or derive twisted satisfaction from the automotive carnage that results from such mischief. But sure, Rodney’s heart couldn’t have been measured at 72 beats per minute, right? Say, where’d you learn that little factoid about rats, Slylock? Did you read it in a book or look it up on the Internet? Because those are totally things that foxes do.

Apartment 3-G, 4/16/12

Tommie and Nina had a conversation earlier about how Nina’s mother died when Nina was a little girl and she was raised by her wonderful dad and that’s why she never learned to have lady-emotions. The fact that Margo seems to know a bit about this implies that she and Tommie have been comparing notes on the Gaines’ marital dysfunction back at Apartment 3-G, except obviously Tommie knows not to speak to Margo unless spoken to and why would Margo bother speaking to Tommie, ugh, so boring. Therefore, I have to assume that Margo and Scott are desperately trying to stave off their drunken lust for one another by just toasting things at random. “Here’s to Nina … and Nina’s father! She’s got a dad, right? Still on good terms with him? And hey, how about whoever decided to paint the underside of these yellow cabinets blue? Bold choice! Let’s toast that person!”

Mary Worth, 4/16/12

Mary Worth holds her teacup in a death grip. “So far,” she thinks, “I’ve heard about the unpleasant alcoholic whose life Nola destroyed, and some smelly vagrant, but I haven’t heard anything about my advice at all. Nola can’t possibly be on the true path to righteousness until she submits to my will.” Mary’s so focused on Nola’s failure to acknowledge her meddling primacy that she hasn’t even noticed the woman’s disproportionately large eyes, which probably indicate that “Nola” is a grey alien wearing an ill-fitting wig.