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Slylock Fox, 7/6/15

Are we supposed to assume that our criminal dog, fleeing Slylock and his goons, got into this room one step ahead of the law? How did that work, exactly? He leaps into the unoccupied bed, starts feverishly wrapping bandages around his face, and growls to the actual patient, “You don’t say nothin’, see?” Or maybe it’s much more horrible: maybe he’s subjected the other dog to an involuntary Face/Off-style surgery, the better to escape justice. His victim is in a morphine haze, but the criminal refused painkillers; though he’s in agony, he knew he’d have to be sharp in case the cops showed up. Either way, the real tragedy is that the real patient didn’t receive a fruit basket.

Spider-Man, 7/6/15

This is a good question, because let’s be frank: even when he has his whole life ahead of him, caring about stuff isn’t Peter Parker’s strong suit.

Archie, 7/6/15

The way Veronica stares directly at the viewer in the final panel, inviting us into her world of gossip, is profoundly unsettling. “Do you miss the good old days? Sign up for an account on Gosspr, my new social app for gossip and rumors, and feel free to share what you know or have heard about your closest friends! #jointhecoversation”

Momma, 7/6/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because Francis and Marylou are slowly poisoning their mother!

Pluggers, 7/6/15

Pluggers have found that they hardest part of living is the seemingly endless slog through a meaningless existence that we have to endure until we finally feel the sweet embrace of death.

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Mary Worth, 6/28/15

You know how big a fan I am of weird contextless quotes in Mary Worth, so you can imagine my absolute delight in discovering that today’s inspirational aphorism comes from Marshal Foch, the supreme commander of Allied forces on the Western Front during World War I. I’m not sure why he would’ve said this, but I choose to believe that it was in some recently declassified top-secret document in which he proposed, if Hundred Days Offensive were to end in stalemate like all the others, to reanimate the souls of the Allied war dead, set the phantasms ablaze, and have them charge eerily across No-Man’s-Land at the terrified Germans.

Anyway, obviously I thought it wasn’t ever going to get better than that image, but that was before I arrived at the final panel, in which Adam and Terry don’t even briefly pretend to be unnerved by a violent criminal, instead just cracking wise as they prepare to karate-chop him to death. I sincerely wish this comic could just sort of freeze-frame right at this moment and the credits begin to roll up, like it’s the end of the pilot of a ’70s romantic cop drama.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 6/28/15

Or maybe if he’s too proud or dumb, they’ll just watch him suffocate to death, through the transparent walls of that safe! Today’s Slylock Fox is super grim, guys.

Barney Google and Snuff Smith, 6/28/15

Jughaid just wants to stay home … in the bowels of hell itself.

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 6/21/15

[briefly turns monitor upside down] Oh, the toad did it, did he, the short toad, because the pictures were taken close to the ground and only the toad is close to the ground … oh but wait, you know who else is close to the ground? Why, Max Mouse is, Max who magically “solved” this “crime,” who was able to find the camera so quickly, much to the swooning delight of his little mouse girlfriend. The toad stares ahead in shock, knowing that his innocence will be no defense against Slylock’s pull with the authorities; the bear glowers, seething at Slylock’s ability to use the punishing authority of the state to impress his girlfriend and fulfill his whims.

Dennis the Menace, 6/21/15

Dennis doesn’t appear to be adding any value to this chain of transactions by, say, managing the cheap labor he found, so I’m going to go ahead and deem him a labor arbitrageur and classify him as an economic menace.

Spider-Man, 6/21/15

Stan Lee is one of the co-creators of the Black Widow character, according to Wikipedia, and here he is apparently very interested in having sex with her! This is probably more revealing about the comics creative process than anyone involved really intended.